Thursday, January 23, 2014

feeling forgotten

pity party warning. i'm hurt. this is strictly about being hurt and wanting to not hurt anymore.

what do you do when everyone close to you scatters when you go through something?

everyones response is "i know you need your space." No. when i need space, i actively tell people that.

when my father died, i told the people who used that line that i did't want space. i wanted those close to me to BE HERE. i dont need to talk about it necessarily (i know that no one knows what to say),  but when i do- i can let you know that too. just BE HERE. the response was ok, cool.

now, i cant even sleep through the night without someone here. but most everyone who is close enough to me to know that and has enough proximity to physically get to me? i haven't actually seen in the month since my sisters death. wow. how much space do you think i need?

people who i have broken bread with,sat in their house & invited them into mine, celebrated with and knew my sister... haven't even called, texted, hell even sent a damn carrier pigeon to acknowledge her death.

what kind of horrible friend have i been to people?

then i turn around and friends that have been further out that you could technically call associates, have totally stepped up. without prompt, without know what happened or what my current emotional and physical stressers are- seeking me out so i wont be alone. not asking a single question- just simply sitting with me so i'm not alone. calling to check in, just "to make sure". waiting to ask how i am until i'm not standing in front of a room full of people. the appreciation and love i feel because of them is overwhelming.

i guess that means i'm not all bad..... right?

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