Monday, December 23, 2013

i'm sorry. i hate you. you don't have to explain, just come back.

one day i'll write all that i really feel, but right now... i cant make sense of air, much less my feelings. but i have to do something. 

i'm so angry at you. you knew someone would find you. you knew that stupid fucking note on the door was not going to keep me out. now all i see is you- no, your hair. your face. that fucking scarf. i hate you for all of that.

i hate the operator who got an attitude when i was just trying to remember the address. i'm sorry, dickwad, that my cell phone is from ny, so it picked up the wrong tower and now you don't give a shit about what i want, you just want to transfer me. 

i hate that cold feeling you left because the window was open and that i knew you were gone when i was cleaning your bedroom, even though i hadn't found you yet. i told you then i couldn't replace you if you ever made this choice, but i was too late. and i never told you when you were living. i hate myself for that. i hate that i heard you tell me to go find you. that was fucked up. 

where the fuck were you all day?! 

i hate that you plan everything and think that trying to try up your loose ends so we don't have to will make this ok. its not freaking ok. i cant breathe. and my neck hurts in the same place as that fucking scarf was wrapped around you. i cant breathe, Maya. i fucking CANT.

and all i see is your damn hair. 

i cant do this again. i know i couldn't understand. i hope you know i tried. i do get what you were feeling, but i cant fix it. i cant make it better. i never told you how much i wished i could or that you were no longer the little sister, you were what i wanted to be. you accomplished what i wanted to, even when you couldn't see past the pain. i look at the things you accumulated- and yes, they are just things- but they are what you equated with being enough. with being successful and you DID THAT. i wish i could have made you see that you were enough. i wish i had tried. i failed. i was supposed to protect from him. from what he gave you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i gave up. i blamed you for giving up. i'm sorry, imp. i'm so sorry. please don't be real. please. 

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