Saturday, December 28, 2013

if a dream is a wish your heart makes,
then i wish to always dream of your smile.

Monday, December 23, 2013

i'm sorry. i hate you. you don't have to explain, just come back.

one day i'll write all that i really feel, but right now... i cant make sense of air, much less my feelings. but i have to do something. 

i'm so angry at you. you knew someone would find you. you knew that stupid fucking note on the door was not going to keep me out. now all i see is you- no, your hair. your face. that fucking scarf. i hate you for all of that.

i hate the operator who got an attitude when i was just trying to remember the address. i'm sorry, dickwad, that my cell phone is from ny, so it picked up the wrong tower and now you don't give a shit about what i want, you just want to transfer me. 

i hate that cold feeling you left because the window was open and that i knew you were gone when i was cleaning your bedroom, even though i hadn't found you yet. i told you then i couldn't replace you if you ever made this choice, but i was too late. and i never told you when you were living. i hate myself for that. i hate that i heard you tell me to go find you. that was fucked up. 

where the fuck were you all day?! 

i hate that you plan everything and think that trying to try up your loose ends so we don't have to will make this ok. its not freaking ok. i cant breathe. and my neck hurts in the same place as that fucking scarf was wrapped around you. i cant breathe, Maya. i fucking CANT.

and all i see is your damn hair. 

i cant do this again. i know i couldn't understand. i hope you know i tried. i do get what you were feeling, but i cant fix it. i cant make it better. i never told you how much i wished i could or that you were no longer the little sister, you were what i wanted to be. you accomplished what i wanted to, even when you couldn't see past the pain. i look at the things you accumulated- and yes, they are just things- but they are what you equated with being enough. with being successful and you DID THAT. i wish i could have made you see that you were enough. i wish i had tried. i failed. i was supposed to protect from him. from what he gave you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i gave up. i blamed you for giving up. i'm sorry, imp. i'm so sorry. please don't be real. please. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Cornball moment about moving

I don't have the time or the energy to go into a lengthy blog post about what im feeling right now, but I wanted to at least mark what feels like a huge change. Its not that I haven't felt, seen and relished in the changes in my life over the last few years- but this weekend everything really hit me.

I moved out of my apartment this weekend. When I moved in, I was broken. My main motivation for moving was financial. It was cheaper, smaller and would allow a little more security if I was to receive an overseas assignment at work. It was across town, so the chances of running into anyone I knew were low. I needed peace. I needed to cut any random opportunity for past hurts to reappear. I needed to be alone and just live in the depression I had been sinking into over the previous few years. This apartment did that for me. And for the first year- that's exactly what I did.

Im not going to go back to that year with myself or this post,  but I knowing it happened and seeing where I sit now, I feel incredibly lucky. And blessed. And... *sigh* wow. I made it.

Life isn't perfect. I still question myself. But I'm happy and so much healthier mentally, emotionally and physically.  And im thankful for the changes in my life that came as a result of my time in this apartment.  Its been a good ride, 305. Thanks for holding my life through it.

Friday, January 18, 2013

6 months...

That's June 23rd, 2012 on the left. January 4th, 2013 on the right. What a difference 6 months, a surgery, some internal bleeding, a complete change in diet and millions of tiny sweat beads makes. I want to feel accomplished- and I do, I swear I do. But deep down, this side by side just makes me want to cry for so many reasons. Wow, so much has changed. I guess I'm still processing...

my thoughts on gun control

This will be long. Luckily, the right to a public education allowed you an opportunity to learn how to read. Given that we are so interested in our rights, let us utilize that one for just a moment.


 -A well regulated militia-
 (regulate: 1. To control or direct by a rule, principle, method, etc. 2. To adjust to some standard or requirement as for amount, degree, etc. 3. To adjust so as to ensure accuracy of operation. 4. To put in good order. SOUNDBITE DEFINITION: ITS NOT A FREE FOR ALL)

 -being necessary-
 (aka reasonable: The amount of force necessary to protect oneself or one’s property. Reasonable force is a term associated with defending one’s person or property from a violent attack, theft, or other type of unlawful aggression. It may be used as a defense in a criminal trial or to defend oneself in a suit alleging tortious conduct. If one uses excessive force, or more than the force necessary for such protection, he or she may be considered to have forfeited the right to defense. [one more time: If one uses excessive force, he or she may be considered to have forfeited the right to defense.] SOUNDBITE DEFINITION: PROTECTION DOES NOT MEAN RIGHT TO STOCKPILE, USE IN AGGRESSION OR HAVE NEED FOR MILITARY GRADE WEAPONS)

 -to the security of a free state-

 the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. (aka: If you can handle all that comes with the enormous responsibility, you get to have a gun. No one is suggesting that’s an issue. Your chronic disregard for careful,regulated use by ALL is what concerns the rest of us [because we’ve already heard you tell us numerous times how responsible YOU are]) Ok, i’m done. Please feel free to resume what you were saying about your rights and something about tyranny and maybe Stalin turning into Hitler on you as well. You know, whatever…