Sunday, September 16, 2012

weight loss update

i really did plan on being much more detailed in keeping track of how things were going here, but as per my usual- "i'll do it tomorrow" kicked in. time to put some results and actual numbers somewhere other than my tracking notebook.

the numbers (%):
19.5% of my total starting body weight lost
my BMI is down 19.1%

the real numbers: 
57.6 lbs
8.8 BMI
45.25 inches

i really was going to stick to percentages, as i don't think actual numbers are anyones business... but fuck that. i went through a lot for those damn numbers! judge me for how i did it or why i was that big to begin with if you must. i still have plenty of ass left for you to kiss. 

anyway, i'm doing good to staying focused on what my body is capable of doing instead of numbers on a scale. i registered for my first 5k on october 20th. also, i think i was conned into it- but i will be 1 of 4 participants in a marathon relay on september 29 (insert scared shitless face here). my portion is 6.5 miles. i don't know fast it will happen- but as long as i finish, i will be happy with myself. i'm kinda lying there, as not finishing will mean the other 3 don't finish and i couldn't stomach that. plus, my ego wont let me be the slowest finisher out. i'll just have to get over not being anything close to resembling a runner and do what i can. 

my closet has now completely turned over. my underwear was the last hold out, but i finally had my jaeda moment. unfortunately, i started to feel the slip as i was in the middle of teaching my training class about data speeds. my sane side says no one noticed... but anyone who's been in that situation knows it feels like the whole world is looking at your ass on some "why come it looks like you have a saggy diaper on?" shit. *shrug* moving right along, shopping has been fun and a welcome change. i haven't bought clothes for real in years because i didn't like the sizes i had to purchase... i'm still not a huge fan of those numbers, and still end up in the big girl section - but i'm back in the stores i actually like. its seems like plus size stores go out of their way to make women look a hot ass mess. and i saved best piece of news for last: i'm back in my heels again!! hallelujah!!

i think that's everything. i go back to the doctor next week to make sure everything is still in tact and my numbers aren't crazy looking. i have my activity goals for next year all mapped out and i will post those around the first of the year when training for them starts. 

this has been a post. 
PEACE!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Fear

When you've been hurt so many times that you're now scared that its ingrained in you and you'll do it to someone else.

When you start putting all the insecurities you had about yourself onto someone else. 'Am I ____ enough?' becomes 'Are they ____ enough?'. 'What if they find someone better?' becomes 'What if I find someone better?'

When your constant need to question everything leaves you unable to feel comfortable moving forward, but the opportunity of what may come wont let you walk away.

I swear to Christ, I am never going to figure out how to get out of my own head and just see what happens lol