Saturday, May 12, 2012

Im just going to say all the things you're never supposed to admit you think


People honestly think I've been single and abstinent all this time because I'm too picky, too focused on my own agenda, too mean or too inaccessible. Not the case. True, I have worked on some of my faults - some are fixed others aren't. And I have been very careful to not let negative additions in....but I've also been rejected more in these last 3, almost 4 years than I have ever been in my life.

Its never an outright 'No, because...', its always a subtle, no reason, maybe one day bullshit. It's infuriating!  I'm a big girl! Be a grown up and say no. This dangling carrot that will never drop is so fucking demeaning!  Not only am I not what you want, I'm not even worth your honesty- I'm perfectly suited to your mind game though. Thanks. I didn't have enough trouble keeping ME from tearing myself down, I have plenty of leftover esteem to protect myself from internalizing your inability to give a straight answer.

I realize this is my problem, not yours. I'm responsible for my own self image- I own that. But do you know how hard it is to be alone for this long? Not dating, no caking on the phone- not even a hug for almost 4 years? I can count on one hand how many times I've even been approached or caught a sideways glance. I am lonely in ways I can't even put into words. The longer this goes, the less faith I have that there is even a point in waiting for someone that will even want the snivelling, low self esteem rag I've become. How fucked up are they going to be?!

.... and I don't know how to fix it. And I can't hear one more friend say they don't believe I can't find someone- that it's something I'm doing/ not doing. That there are opportunities, I just choose to not see them. That if I would just go here/ do this/ etc problem would be solved. When the truth I the truth and I would respect them more if they would use honesty too- I'm not desirable.  That this may very well be what the rest of my life looks like and I would be happier if I tried to accept being alone. That all the positive thoughts and faking it until you make wont change what every relationship up until now and this time alone has been trying to tell me: I'm not the one. I'm not enough. Im not the keeper. Im alot of great things, but they are fleeting & I'm supposed to be standing alone in the end.

I'm just the idiot that took 31 years to figure this out. And the thought of accepting this is making it hard to breathe.

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