Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Acute Myeloid Leukemia

I've been trying to process those words for months and I'm still no closer to really understanding what they mean. i get the diagnosis- i have wiki like everyone else- but what do they mean for my life? i couldn't put a face to it and i sure as hell couldn't put HIS face with it. Hes been two people in my mind for so long, i don't even know how to wrap my head around something else. something that means he could be gone before i have a chance to figure out what i want to do with the situation.

today, i saw the first pictures of what this disease, age and other factors of failing health are doing to him. the face the used to wake me up singing, the man i watched dance on stage with enough power to make me believe i could do anything... that's all gone and likely never coming back. i know i focus so much on small moments like these when talking about him when there is so much more to it. any chance of enough reconciliation to really have my daddy back are gone forever. hes always going to be this human. this flawed man that hurt me so much that i had to completely redefine his position in my life- in both my memory of him and my current behavior.

yet the fact i cant fix something- anything - in this strangers life is tearing everything inside of me in two. i cant be there. i cant take care of him or provide care so that he can get the treatment he needs to fight this properly. I'm not healthy enough to even give him the marrow if i could arrange care. i cant fix his living situation or his medication situation or just his clothes or his food past giving him a few dollars, a sorry i cant do more and a hope hes responsible with it. this is his life-  and he has no one. how the hell do you fix that?

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