Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Acute Myeloid Leukemia

I've been trying to process those words for months and I'm still no closer to really understanding what they mean. i get the diagnosis- i have wiki like everyone else- but what do they mean for my life? i couldn't put a face to it and i sure as hell couldn't put HIS face with it. Hes been two people in my mind for so long, i don't even know how to wrap my head around something else. something that means he could be gone before i have a chance to figure out what i want to do with the situation.

today, i saw the first pictures of what this disease, age and other factors of failing health are doing to him. the face the used to wake me up singing, the man i watched dance on stage with enough power to make me believe i could do anything... that's all gone and likely never coming back. i know i focus so much on small moments like these when talking about him when there is so much more to it. any chance of enough reconciliation to really have my daddy back are gone forever. hes always going to be this human. this flawed man that hurt me so much that i had to completely redefine his position in my life- in both my memory of him and my current behavior.

yet the fact i cant fix something- anything - in this strangers life is tearing everything inside of me in two. i cant be there. i cant take care of him or provide care so that he can get the treatment he needs to fight this properly. I'm not healthy enough to even give him the marrow if i could arrange care. i cant fix his living situation or his medication situation or just his clothes or his food past giving him a few dollars, a sorry i cant do more and a hope hes responsible with it. this is his life-  and he has no one. how the hell do you fix that?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

get it together.

hello children! today's blog post may consist of run on sentences, non sensical rants and general jibber jabber. it is what it is.

first of fucking all... you are not my homie. don't you ever refer to me a "jas" in all your monkey life. 

now that we've got that out of the way, let me tell you a little secret: i don't do the other woman shit. i'm selfish, territorial and general not here to swap bodily fluids with another chick. i take great care to make sure this little need to not share is respected and while it has been violated before, it hasn't been by my doing. did i ever once go check the chick? NO! why? its none of her nevermind. HE is my issue. and HE is who will get checked, walked away from, whatever. why? because i'm a fucking grown up. 

add to this, as you've read in other blogs- i don't even have sex!! how the fuck am i fucking your fucking man or in the fucking middle of your fucking relationship with a fucking man i'm not even fucking AND.... come to think of it haven't been fucking since... since.... since... since... fucking 2003? i think that's right. if its not- fuck you, it was before you- i know that much. 

yeah, i'm cursing. i'm mad. i'm not going to be a lady right now. 

while we are on checking your man....why don't you check the foundation you built with said man? because we sure as hell are too old to be breaking into Facebook accounts to read messages. and even if you could concoct a reasonable explanation for hacking into his page- did you miss the fact he glazed right over even acknowledging your EXISTENCE? even when direct asked? you skipped right past us NOT getting together? went right to I'M the home-wrecking hussy that needs to be checked for being "foul"? noted. you're an idiot- but that's noted too. its also noted that you need to work on some trust and respect if this man is going to be your husband, sweetie. you two obviously arent ready if these type of shenanigans are going on.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Im just going to say all the things you're never supposed to admit you think

People honestly think I've been single and abstinent all this time because I'm too picky, too focused on my own agenda, too mean or too inaccessible. Not the case. True, I have worked on some of my faults - some are fixed others aren't. And I have been very careful to not let negative additions in....but I've also been rejected more in these last 3, almost 4 years than I have ever been in my life.

Its never an outright 'No, because...', its always a subtle, no reason, maybe one day bullshit. It's infuriating!  I'm a big girl! Be a grown up and say no. This dangling carrot that will never drop is so fucking demeaning!  Not only am I not what you want, I'm not even worth your honesty- I'm perfectly suited to your mind game though. Thanks. I didn't have enough trouble keeping ME from tearing myself down, I have plenty of leftover esteem to protect myself from internalizing your inability to give a straight answer.

I realize this is my problem, not yours. I'm responsible for my own self image- I own that. But do you know how hard it is to be alone for this long? Not dating, no caking on the phone- not even a hug for almost 4 years? I can count on one hand how many times I've even been approached or caught a sideways glance. I am lonely in ways I can't even put into words. The longer this goes, the less faith I have that there is even a point in waiting for someone that will even want the snivelling, low self esteem rag I've become. How fucked up are they going to be?!

.... and I don't know how to fix it. And I can't hear one more friend say they don't believe I can't find someone- that it's something I'm doing/ not doing. That there are opportunities, I just choose to not see them. That if I would just go here/ do this/ etc problem would be solved. When the truth I the truth and I would respect them more if they would use honesty too- I'm not desirable.  That this may very well be what the rest of my life looks like and I would be happier if I tried to accept being alone. That all the positive thoughts and faking it until you make wont change what every relationship up until now and this time alone has been trying to tell me: I'm not the one. I'm not enough. Im not the keeper. Im alot of great things, but they are fleeting & I'm supposed to be standing alone in the end.

I'm just the idiot that took 31 years to figure this out. And the thought of accepting this is making it hard to breathe.