Sunday, September 16, 2012

weight loss update

i really did plan on being much more detailed in keeping track of how things were going here, but as per my usual- "i'll do it tomorrow" kicked in. time to put some results and actual numbers somewhere other than my tracking notebook.

the numbers (%):
19.5% of my total starting body weight lost
my BMI is down 19.1%

the real numbers: 
57.6 lbs
8.8 BMI
45.25 inches

i really was going to stick to percentages, as i don't think actual numbers are anyones business... but fuck that. i went through a lot for those damn numbers! judge me for how i did it or why i was that big to begin with if you must. i still have plenty of ass left for you to kiss. 

anyway, i'm doing good to staying focused on what my body is capable of doing instead of numbers on a scale. i registered for my first 5k on october 20th. also, i think i was conned into it- but i will be 1 of 4 participants in a marathon relay on september 29 (insert scared shitless face here). my portion is 6.5 miles. i don't know fast it will happen- but as long as i finish, i will be happy with myself. i'm kinda lying there, as not finishing will mean the other 3 don't finish and i couldn't stomach that. plus, my ego wont let me be the slowest finisher out. i'll just have to get over not being anything close to resembling a runner and do what i can. 

my closet has now completely turned over. my underwear was the last hold out, but i finally had my jaeda moment. unfortunately, i started to feel the slip as i was in the middle of teaching my training class about data speeds. my sane side says no one noticed... but anyone who's been in that situation knows it feels like the whole world is looking at your ass on some "why come it looks like you have a saggy diaper on?" shit. *shrug* moving right along, shopping has been fun and a welcome change. i haven't bought clothes for real in years because i didn't like the sizes i had to purchase... i'm still not a huge fan of those numbers, and still end up in the big girl section - but i'm back in the stores i actually like. its seems like plus size stores go out of their way to make women look a hot ass mess. and i saved best piece of news for last: i'm back in my heels again!! hallelujah!!

i think that's everything. i go back to the doctor next week to make sure everything is still in tact and my numbers aren't crazy looking. i have my activity goals for next year all mapped out and i will post those around the first of the year when training for them starts. 

this has been a post. 

Monday, September 3, 2012


When you've been hurt so many times that you're now scared that its ingrained in you and you'll do it to someone else.

When you start putting all the insecurities you had about yourself onto someone else. 'Am I ____ enough?' becomes 'Are they ____ enough?'. 'What if they find someone better?' becomes 'What if I find someone better?'

When your constant need to question everything leaves you unable to feel comfortable moving forward, but the opportunity of what may come wont let you walk away.

I swear to Christ, I am never going to figure out how to get out of my own head and just see what happens lol

Monday, July 23, 2012

welcome to LA

i've been listening to "the recipe" on repeat on/off for hours. its just so smooth, i cant help it. i really do miss LA so much. i was trying to explain to my friend how i have yet to expirence something as peaceful and [/insert made up shit] mind-righting as sitting on the edge of the pacific ocean on redondo watching the sunset. or the look of the moon on the water from a bluff at pt fermin. or how the world disappears when you get an opportunity to miss all the traffic and just ride out on pch. theres something about how the wind blows and the sun touches your skin. i know it has its own special brand of bullshit, but i love south bay like you dont even know.

i've never had this level of peace on the gulf or atlantic coasts. i'm sure there are other places this feeling can be achieved and i'm more than willing to take anyone up on the offer to let me test the mediterranean on their dime. i also know being there with the limited responsibility of a teenager is flavoring my feelings quite a bit, but i've  never in life felt more calm anywhere as i have in the places i described above. 

LA i had some bad times with you, my love. but thank you for showing me that i am capable of complete and total serenity. this crazy mind of mine needed to know it was possible. 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

its been two weeks and 2 days since i've gone to work

now, i’m no fan of my job. i only do it because i’m good at it, it allows me to pretty much do whatever i want in terms of schedule, personal business, school, etc and i’ve been there forever. i really need to stop procrastinating and finish this simple fucking bachelors degree so i can get out of there to be perfectly honest. this month off to recover was such a blessing because i was feeling so claustrophobic and i was DYING to have a break.
that being said… 
i dont care how much i need to heal, i needed a break, whatever…. i’m so bored right now i could cry. i spent the first weekend having fun and prepping stuff for surgery. that week of surgery i had some complications and had to stay five days instead of two. i came home and recouped for two more days and the last few i went on some day trips to the movies, the zoo, etc because i’ve been feeling fine (though i tire easily) ITS NOT ENOUGH!! i’m bored as shit. my friends work. they have kids. they are unaware i’m even out of work (i chose to be very limited in sharing this until i process it all the way). soooo…. theres nothing to freaking do! i like being alone for the most part- but this is getting too much for even me. even the internet is boring me… i’m going crazy!! 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Acute Myeloid Leukemia

I've been trying to process those words for months and I'm still no closer to really understanding what they mean. i get the diagnosis- i have wiki like everyone else- but what do they mean for my life? i couldn't put a face to it and i sure as hell couldn't put HIS face with it. Hes been two people in my mind for so long, i don't even know how to wrap my head around something else. something that means he could be gone before i have a chance to figure out what i want to do with the situation.

today, i saw the first pictures of what this disease, age and other factors of failing health are doing to him. the face the used to wake me up singing, the man i watched dance on stage with enough power to make me believe i could do anything... that's all gone and likely never coming back. i know i focus so much on small moments like these when talking about him when there is so much more to it. any chance of enough reconciliation to really have my daddy back are gone forever. hes always going to be this human. this flawed man that hurt me so much that i had to completely redefine his position in my life- in both my memory of him and my current behavior.

yet the fact i cant fix something- anything - in this strangers life is tearing everything inside of me in two. i cant be there. i cant take care of him or provide care so that he can get the treatment he needs to fight this properly. I'm not healthy enough to even give him the marrow if i could arrange care. i cant fix his living situation or his medication situation or just his clothes or his food past giving him a few dollars, a sorry i cant do more and a hope hes responsible with it. this is his life-  and he has no one. how the hell do you fix that?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

get it together.

hello children! today's blog post may consist of run on sentences, non sensical rants and general jibber jabber. it is what it is.

first of fucking all... you are not my homie. don't you ever refer to me a "jas" in all your monkey life. 

now that we've got that out of the way, let me tell you a little secret: i don't do the other woman shit. i'm selfish, territorial and general not here to swap bodily fluids with another chick. i take great care to make sure this little need to not share is respected and while it has been violated before, it hasn't been by my doing. did i ever once go check the chick? NO! why? its none of her nevermind. HE is my issue. and HE is who will get checked, walked away from, whatever. why? because i'm a fucking grown up. 

add to this, as you've read in other blogs- i don't even have sex!! how the fuck am i fucking your fucking man or in the fucking middle of your fucking relationship with a fucking man i'm not even fucking AND.... come to think of it haven't been fucking since... since.... since... since... fucking 2003? i think that's right. if its not- fuck you, it was before you- i know that much. 

yeah, i'm cursing. i'm mad. i'm not going to be a lady right now. 

while we are on checking your man....why don't you check the foundation you built with said man? because we sure as hell are too old to be breaking into Facebook accounts to read messages. and even if you could concoct a reasonable explanation for hacking into his page- did you miss the fact he glazed right over even acknowledging your EXISTENCE? even when direct asked? you skipped right past us NOT getting together? went right to I'M the home-wrecking hussy that needs to be checked for being "foul"? noted. you're an idiot- but that's noted too. its also noted that you need to work on some trust and respect if this man is going to be your husband, sweetie. you two obviously arent ready if these type of shenanigans are going on.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Im just going to say all the things you're never supposed to admit you think

People honestly think I've been single and abstinent all this time because I'm too picky, too focused on my own agenda, too mean or too inaccessible. Not the case. True, I have worked on some of my faults - some are fixed others aren't. And I have been very careful to not let negative additions in....but I've also been rejected more in these last 3, almost 4 years than I have ever been in my life.

Its never an outright 'No, because...', its always a subtle, no reason, maybe one day bullshit. It's infuriating!  I'm a big girl! Be a grown up and say no. This dangling carrot that will never drop is so fucking demeaning!  Not only am I not what you want, I'm not even worth your honesty- I'm perfectly suited to your mind game though. Thanks. I didn't have enough trouble keeping ME from tearing myself down, I have plenty of leftover esteem to protect myself from internalizing your inability to give a straight answer.

I realize this is my problem, not yours. I'm responsible for my own self image- I own that. But do you know how hard it is to be alone for this long? Not dating, no caking on the phone- not even a hug for almost 4 years? I can count on one hand how many times I've even been approached or caught a sideways glance. I am lonely in ways I can't even put into words. The longer this goes, the less faith I have that there is even a point in waiting for someone that will even want the snivelling, low self esteem rag I've become. How fucked up are they going to be?!

.... and I don't know how to fix it. And I can't hear one more friend say they don't believe I can't find someone- that it's something I'm doing/ not doing. That there are opportunities, I just choose to not see them. That if I would just go here/ do this/ etc problem would be solved. When the truth I the truth and I would respect them more if they would use honesty too- I'm not desirable.  That this may very well be what the rest of my life looks like and I would be happier if I tried to accept being alone. That all the positive thoughts and faking it until you make wont change what every relationship up until now and this time alone has been trying to tell me: I'm not the one. I'm not enough. Im not the keeper. Im alot of great things, but they are fleeting & I'm supposed to be standing alone in the end.

I'm just the idiot that took 31 years to figure this out. And the thought of accepting this is making it hard to breathe.

Monday, March 26, 2012

letter to my 12 year old self

Dear 12 year old self,

hi baby! i know there is so much that you are dealing with right now and i want to remind you that you are loved, regardless of what is going on right now and will happen in the next few years. hold on to those that you know love you in the months to come. forgive those that you know love you, but will hurt you soon- its so much harder to do years down the road.

there's a few specifics i have to make sure you know:
-don't cut your hair. into bangs, all around- nothing (barring trims). it wont end well.
-magic isn't dying anytime soon, so you can stop crying. but take the lesson from it & make your life easier- "love" isn't an excuse for forgoing the condom
-that small/medium/large thing? its bullshit. you'll know it, but it will be hard to accept.
-6 weeks may seem like a long time to be hidden from the world, but this will be the time that your relationship with your siblings will become the strongest. enjoy it, they will always be there, but wont always be right there. i know you think its stupid and don't feel like you're in danger, but that time probably saved your life.
-practice. always. even when you don't want to- in sports, in school, in writing, in anything that gets hard. i know a lot comes easy and its more comfortable to skate on just that, but if you want to excel it will take work. put it in.
-your looks will bring you attention- you don't have to take all of it. don't forget your body isn't an effective collateral to keep it and being destructive towards it isn't an effective punishment.
-your mothers mistakes don't undercut her love for you. be clear in your objections, solicit help and keep your reactions as calm possible. it will end.
-college isn't an option for later. when you get there, do everything.
-when you get on your own, you can do anything you like. that doesn't give you license to do so.

you'll make it, baby.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Wading through the insanity .....

Problem 1: you have a girlfriend. You live with said girlfriend, although she's aware you don't love her. Actually, you can't love her-  because you love me. She knows all this and is holding onto hope that you let me go. But she's totally ok with us talking/ meeting in the meantime. But for now, she's really really sick and going in/ out a comatose state in the hosptial and for you to leave her would be cruel. I should be understanding of this and wait with you until the time is right.


Problem 2: you are a newly converted fundamentalist Muslim. That in and of itself isn't a problem- the problem is I'm Catholic. I would need to convert- or at the very least,agree to not participate in any way with ANY Christianity related activities, teachings or schools of thought. And, we're going to need to have an Islamic wedding service so we can have sex without violating Allah, but the legal ceremony is optional- we might not be ready for all that yet.


Problem 3: you can't be alone with me, because we're not married and it violates your deen- even in public. You would have to repent everytime and that's just asking too much of Allah. I get it. I mean he must be pretty busy forgiving you for sharing a bed every night with your girlfriend while openly coveting another woman, so asking for forgiveness for having coffee could be the tipping point.


Problem 4: all of this was DISCOVERED, not volunteered. But you were honest once it came up, so that should count for something.


Problem 5: when told - very clearly - HELL NO, that signaled to you that negotiations should begin. We should start over,be friends, get to know each other without the relationship pressure and my refusal to do so, makes me an asshole. But not to worry, if I would just see it from your point of view, you would allow me to not be an asshole anymore. That should be my goal.

Again. Sure.

Thank you Samsung for installing a reject list on my phone.

My telegram to Jesus

Dear Jesus [stop]
I'm trying very hard to remain faithful [stop]
I've been single for years now getting myself together and waiting for someone you promised me. [stop]
I'm not trying to rush you or anything [stop]
But if I still have a ways to go, I would really appreciate some nerve calming pharmaceuticals [stop]
I'm really close to the edge, Lord.[stop]
Love, Jasmine [stop]