Sunday, November 20, 2011

"I have cancer."

I've spent the last few days wrapping my head around hearing those words from...well.... I don't quite know what to call him and therein lies my trouble in processing them.

As of today, I'm calm. I've delivered that news to the people that need it, even though he was too selfish or scared to do so and I've had time to get over the initial shock. What I'm going to do with that information, I'm not sure. But to know I have a chance to make my own decision about it instead of just getting word of his death is comforting.

I'm sure I'll write more as this situation progresses- Both about my inner struggle with what my role should be marches on and what I perceive his health status to be. But right now I just want to have a chance to sit with it quietly. Maybe if I shut up for once, I'll actually be able to hear God tell me how to let him go this time.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

First update of November

Its the 6th of November , so I have 56 days to get all this stuff wrapped up. A little past half way, and I'm feeling good about it. Still a few stumbling blocks like sticking to the no takeout ban- namely the McDonald's breakfast hurdle I keep tripping over.But i'm working on it. I cooked meals for the week today, so it should be a million times easier to make good choices. Oatmeal, jaz. Oat-freakin-meal.

I hit my goal of 4x a week in the gym this week. Had a small mental victory after changing my routine- my first abdominal charley horse since double sessions in high school. Not a stitch from running, an all out sieze from ab work. I don't really care if its because I was working just that hard or I'm just that out of shape in the core area- I got one. Yes, you've all told me im weird before, I got it lol. Im also starting to lose the 'pain' muscle reaction and seeing it replaced with the 'fatigue' reaction. Glad I'm moving in the right direction there, but I hope I move on quickly, its so hard to motivate myself to work through until it passes.

Now onto the bad number movement. My weight still fluctuates within the same 5-7lbs. I need to stop weighing myself, but its compulsive. I am seeing my calves coming back to life and my goal jeans go up now (still don't close lol) so I guess I'm good, but I hate that shit.

On all other fronts: no changes or already completed.