Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Back to the gym

As promised, I went. Ususally its hard to GET it was a struggle to stay there. I hope this desktop continue (the hard to stay part I mean).
Weights the same. Completion time the same. Given the last 3 weeks of ridiculously rich eating and minimal focus on exercise....Meh..alrighty then.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Everyone has a keep on dreamin!

Jesus you love me,dont you?

And I love you too!

I'm telling you folks....I don't know if any of you noticed that there has been a hint of depression and despair in my posts over the last few years (sarcasm)....but right before I made these short term goals for myself I sat down and had a little conversation with God. Basically I wanted Him to know that I know He knows I'm close to the edge, but jumping was looking much better than holding on. I needed to be reminded why I'm holding on - not that everything will be perfect, but that I would be ok.

These goals, while necessary and positive forward movement, were really my last ditch effort at giving everything I have to a make my life a LIFE and not just a series of breaths. If I couldn't do it, I was chucking the deuces up to the rest of the flock. I felt like such a failure because I just had to humble myself to ask for more help than I knew I could return favor on, I didn't feel like I would or could ever finish school and I felt so...forgotten. It all felt so impossible to climb out of. Well, I'm still climbing (and stumbling) but let me give you the update on why October 2011 is my official answer from the Big Homie that I was not forgotten.

[I'm literally in tears as I write this, thinking back on how different a feeling I have from then to now. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.]

Ok, on with the update..
So far October (end of september) brought me to Diana Ross, the Isley Brothers, to Mexico with my siblings (that I needed so so much) and my blessed financial aid refund (lol).

So today, as I was driving back to work after paying the last 2 debts in my goals to reach before January, I was contemplating picking another debt to pay off, blowing $ on concert tickets (either Will Downing or Smokey Robinson) or padding my savings. Don't you know the radio station asked for the 10th caller and instead of changing the channel - I called and won! 2 tickets to see Will Downing. Coincidence, sure. Luck of the draw, fine. But I know doing what I was supposed to be doing and following through with my promises put me in that place at that time and that was His reminder to stop giving up on myself & Him. It may be stupid to everyone else, but I've been having a great month for 3 weeks- It didn't occur to me that He pulled me back from the edge until a few hours ago. I get it. I thank You.

So, lets wrap this up:
-3 debts- paid in full
-school- midterms are this week. I'm pulling low a's in both classes.
-smoking- still smoke free. Still mad about the puff in mexcio.
-my diet has been much better (I started the bgg2wl plans last week), but I'm slacking on 5k progress. I have an appointment with a treadmill in the morning lol.

New goal added: 2 stupid debts off my credit report.

Lets goooooooooooooo

Monday, October 17, 2011

reading is fundamental

The BBC says that most people only read about 6 books on this list.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES.
• Bold those books you've read in their entirety.
• Italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read only an excerpt.

My results: 7, so i guess i'm ahead of the game. i'm posting this as more of a "get your butt back to reading literature, not filth you heathen!" reminder than an actual assessment. the ones in bold are things i could have an actual conversation on. there are about 5 more i know i was supposed to read and probably did enough to get through a paper on, but i couldn't tell you up from down on any of them.

Time for another goal: 2 a year until i graduate. 3 a year during my masters. 4 a year until i finish. so, before 11/1/12- pride and prejudice & lord of the rings. GO!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare-- masters in English

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy 2x

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (MY FAV!)

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt (skimmed mostly the 2nd half)

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Two weeks in one

Sorry i missed last week. I'll give you the scoop on the vacation a little later..but first, the business...

Great big huge fail on the weight loss...all inclusive resorts will do that to you. I ate, drank and was merry enough for two (ok three) people. By Thursday of this week i could see the difference in how clothes fit and just how round i looked in general. Add ti that the on site gym left much to ve desired. I don't need much, but a working cardio machine of any kind would have been nice. I did do alot of walking and swimming, but most of it had a drink in my hand before, during or after.
On a positive note, i am looking at my shopping list right now to be right back on track.
I also slipped and had a cigarette. Well, a puff. It was disgusting. Sadly, that will take me out of the running to hit 3 months of smoke free by Jan 1. What a waste. But hey, i made it all week with no patches (after the second one ended up floating in the pool, i gave up) and i sure as hell can make the rest of my time until 1/1 smoke free.
Finances have no updates...and what else? I think thats it.  Next week should have some wins instead of losses to report.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Wins, losses and tests...

I know im a day late, but it wouldn't be me if i did anything on time.
In ultimate win news... My mom & i went to see Diana Ross!! For 67 (any age really) this chick is still getting it in! The show lasted a little over an hour and she had 6 outfit changes. The signature hair was in full effect and in case you were unaware as to where tracee got that ass from... Diana really does have a donk- AT 67! Im so used to seeing women with stuff falling or spreading, i wasn't prepared to get booty envy from a woman old enough to be my mama (grandma if you're talking hood generation gaps lol). Anyway, she was amazing and it was so nice to share that with my mom. The ease of our relationship these days is such a blessing.

Moving onto Saturdays win- Ron. Freakin. Isley. Sure there were other acts, but my $30 was living for the love of..sorry, i get carried away sometimes lol- it was spent to see the brothers get it in and hear Ron hit that high note at 'always' of the always come back to you in 'Voyage to Atlantis'. That song is so beyond perfection there hasn't been a word created yet. (note: there is a piece i wrote to go with that song a ways back on this blog, I'll look for it and link) The rest of their set was wonderful as well. We didn't stay for maze ft frankie Beverly as I've seen them a bunch of times and the old folk funk was getting a little outrageous by then. By old folk funk i don't mean smell, but that curled lip with the ugly face that broadcasts they will be tearing up their significant others private areas as soon as they hit the parking lot( maybe sooner). Folks came out clean in their best church suits, pimp canes and 'i still got' hoochie wear. I saw enough unbridled over the hill tittyballs to know there was going be some relighting of carnal flames coming that i didn't want to be privy to lol.

Oh yeah- bobby womack came on first and while i thought i had never seen him before, i was reminded he was the one stripping on stage at the last old folk gathering. I think i put it out my mind to protect my psyche. Anyway, he was there. Seems to be recovering slowly from that heart attack- that's all im going to say on that.

In terms of tests- both events posed a challenge for me as i have for the most part avoided going anywhere or to any event i would see folks i haven't seen in years or need to look nice for as I've felt like such an ugly duckling (maybe humpty dumpty ia a better assessment) over the last few years. Well, i didn't feel like a model, but i dam sure was killing them both nights. I didn't take any pics at the legendz tour, but i felt great. I've built back up enough strength in my legs to handle the extra weight without wobbling and my strut is back. Im going to be a problem soon- can't freakin wait lol.

This last week was an ultimate fail in terms of the gym- i only made it once.Im going to go ahead and blame that on the ear infection im nursing, but its frustrating nonetheless. This week up coming should be light, but more productive and next week I'll have all the time in the world to get my sweat on as I'll be sipping fruity concoctions in the Mexican Riveria. If i can't manage 60 mins a day when my time is all my own, i need to just be fat forever because that is nothing but sheer laziness.

Now tests... I was thinking on what those were as i drove home last night and i guess it would be the lecture my doctor gave me when i went in for my ear infection- my blood pressure is too high and the fact i keep deciding i dont feel like filling the prescription she's given me 3 times is unacceptable. This time she got serious and starting listing off all the vital organs im stressing by being hard headed -heart, yeah i know. Kidneys-they hate me anyway. Eyes- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Ima be blind?! Before you write me off as a silly one for not knowing that- of course you know these things- but sometimes it takes blunt honesty for you to hear these things. I don't want to live in a dark world (or a non driving one) let me get my life right.

And if i had any doubts that my body is rebelling against all the damage I've been doing- this morning it decided to remind me that i better stay the course by completely giving out on me. While sitting in class, i had another sharp drop on blood sugar- causing me to damn near collapse and then throw up- mostly in a lab sink, but partly on myself- scaring the shit out of the entire room. Score.
I havent had an attack like that in about 4 years, but I've had them over the course of my whole life. I hadn't thought about them in forever and i guess took for granted they were gone, but i guess my body needed to drive home the message that this time is for real- im out of opportunities to make a change before something life changing happens and the changes are no longer because i want to live longer but because i won't live longer if i don't.

Dear body,
I heard you. We're going to work this out.

Ps-still smoke free.