Monday, July 4, 2011

ps: the challenge

The short version: I failed.

I have no plans on redeeming that. It was helpful in a few ways, repetative & monotomous in more. Should I have weighed that out before I started? Yeah. But what I did do was cathartic, so we'll just leave it at that. I hope you enjoyed what was given.

whats worse: the truth or the lie?

Over the last few months, I've found myself getting more and more frustrated with people close to me. In my head, I know I'm just putting my own frustrations over things I've failed to do on them. In my heart, I'm angry because I feel lied to. I can understand this sounds ludicrous, psycho and incredibly extra- but this blog is meant to get out my thoughts and feelings, so off I go.

See, I've been angry at my ex for a long time. Until recently, I didn't think I would ever let go of the inadequacies, the hurt and the betrayal I felt at the final end of our relationship. But a brief revisit to our physical relationship & a lengthy bout of e-stalking later (don't ask) I realize that while there might have been lies about his actions- he never lied to me about me or the future he wanted with us. He lied about what he was capable of -both the good & the bad- and still is. But in the end, that wasn't what hurt me the most. What hurt the most was the truth I wasn't able to handle, as much as I told myself I could. Accepting those truths and letting go of the lies they got mixed up in was what helped me let it go.

That long winded back story brings me to my current state of flux- my relationship with those that do actually love me & what feels like a betrayal on their part. They tell me I'm beautiful. They think I'm wonderful. They worry I'm selling myself short. While they may believe that and wish I could see it- what they will never tell me is the one thing I desperately need to hear- I'm killing myself. I've let all the chips fall and never bothered to clean up the mess. I just let it get worse. All the while, these same people never checked me on my bull shit. I know they did it out of kindness. I know they love me. I know they know me well enough to see I don't respond well to being checked. I just wish one of them would have put that aside and repeated what the man I referred to as 'satan' was strong enough to tell me- I'm a mess.

Would I have villianized them like I did him? God I hope not, because I love them all so much more than I ever did him & I would hate to think my own stubbornness would punish them for my own faults.
Was it really their job to check me when I wouldn't check myself? Absolutely not. But if your friends won't tell you the truth, who will? Its like that girl you see in the club- hair akimbo, outfit a mess, drunk out of her mind. You ask- why did her friends let her play herself like that? Its not really her friends fault, but clearly she needed a voice of reason. Right now, I'm that mess with no reason.
Am I wrong for feeling betrayed about the negative they didn't say instead of feeling lucky for the positives they did? Most definitely. Again-this isn't about being right, its about getting feelings out of my head.

I say all this to say what? My ex is a saint for being honest? My friends don't love me because I feel like they lied to be kind instead of be honest and hurting me more? I guess part of the answer to that is yes. More of it is no- I'm still looking for anyone/thing to blame but myself.

Ultimately, this is on me to solve....but when you can't solve a problem, when the resolution you need is the last thing you can imagine where can you go for help if honestly only lies in those you can't trust? How do you make it when you're too broken to fix it yourself? What's the answer when you're your own worst critic, enemy and judge?

I don't know. And I'm still not strong enough to fix it. I still don't know how to get there. I'm still out of control & getting worse. I still don't know where help is or how to accept it.

Guess that means I'm doomed right? Shit, I don't know how to accept that either.