Saturday, June 4, 2011

letter to the person that hurt you most (& an update)

I swear I am starting to hate these letters. I know they are necessary because of the feelings they are forcing me to deal with, but its starting to get emotional as hell. Excuse my lateness in posting them, but its taking longer than planned to process and write something that gets the point across without me going next level and writing 3 page posts.
Work with me folks, I'm a bury-er, not a dealer-er lol.

Dear you,

I have to keep this titled "person that caused me the most pain" because what you used to mean to me won't let me hate you. However, if anyone in my life was worthy of the emotion, it would be you. You changed how I look at everything in my life- friends, family, relationships, my dreams, myself.... There is nothing you haven't tainted.

I realize I'm supposed to write a specific letter to you today, but I refuse to spend more time or tears rehashing all the ways you've changed me. I've written many poems trying to get the pain out of my heart and they will be much more effective at telling you today than trying to revive emotions that died a long time ago in order to save the rest of me.

I hope you ... You know what, I don't know what I hope for you. I can only hope for me.

Dear Father
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last
If the poison that flows through your veins will finally kill you
Take the last bit of humanity you have left, leaving nothing but lips blue
Its been years since you left and I still don't know how to react
Some days I pray that God will take you back
Others I know that the Devil is the only one that can appreciate
The wickedness that lives inside of you, the evil, the sins, the hate

This morning I prayed for you and wished the man
I knew happy fathers day
Even in the silence the dawn carries, I still whispered, afraid to out loud say
That I love and miss my daddy more than I let on
But in my very next breath, I have to acknowledge that man is gone
Taken away in a bottle, then into the moonlight on a pipe of glass
As much as I enjoy the moments of memories, they never seem to last
Those have all but been replaced with spite
To go back to the happy songs takes concentration with all my might

But this letter to you was not meant to rehash what can never be changed
Rather a time to recount to you all that remains
The life that grew from the venomous soil in which you planted it ever so callously
Wake up each morning, proud to finally just be free
All of us have blossomed more than you could fathom on your best day
Doing just fine, I'm very happy say.
Glad that you had sense to chose such an amazing woman to raise what you could not
Its solely on the strength of that your rancor didn't cause my very soul to rot

So thank you, father, for leaving soon enough for the antidote to be given
And saving me from a life which would amount to a deadly prison
Your absence, though the most painful of my life
Was a blow made much more palatable by your former wife
And the lessons learned have brought me closer to my maker
Taught me to be strong the face of any trial, tribulation or danger
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last

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