Thursday, June 2, 2011

letter to a deceased person

Dear Grampa,

My 8 year old self misses you so much. I still remember the smile you had every time we came to visit, the way your house smelled, the way you taped gifts, the woven area rugs, the faux fireplace you let me 'light' over and over - on the low of course, couldn't let the other kids know I had an extra turn lol.

I can only imagine the conflict you felt in the events that lead to your grandchildren. I know in my heart that you didn't feel that for us- but in that we came from a second marriage, to a man you disagreed with, a poor choice of husband to your daughter and a black man. When I think of the year you were born, the age you grew up in and the values you placed in my mother that made it ok for her fall in love despite societies views- even if you didn't plan for it-I love you more. Add to that the fact I never knew about your fears, your misgivings about him or the ways you quietly helped us and your status as hero is solidified for me.

You died before I was old enough to thank you for that. Before you were able to see that we ended up ok and that he never succeeded. I wish so much that you were able to be here to know we are safe. I wish I had been old enough to tell you thank you, to remember all your stories, to hug you again. I don't even remember crying when you died. I didn't understand what it meant. I thought you would be back on our next visit. Eventually I got used to you not being there, but I didn't get it until your Gram got sick, they sold the house and playing with the fireplace wasn't an option anymore. The one place I knew we would always be safe was gone. I have never had that feeling anywhere else. I love you for allowing me to know its possible.

I love you always,
4th, 2nd, 1st.

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