Monday, June 13, 2011

letter to a 2nd chance

Dear Johnathan,

*cues brian mcknight*

I wish we had been older, more mature when 'we' were. I think our relationship was supposed to be a short one, but you'll always be the one that I'd like a second chance with. I'm sorry I never said goodbye to you. Our last fight was stupid and I should have told you instead of screaming independent- but I really was at work.

Thank you for being the smile to which all men in the future will be compared to. I hope you are well.

authors note

You're not tripping, I have been missing for a week and back dated the entries to reflect the days they were supposed to be done on. Sue me- its been a busy week.lol

Sunday, June 12, 2011

letter to someone i judged by first impression

Dear GA,

I thought you were odd, depressive, strangely preoccupied with following organizations that carry an almost cult like status, out of touch with reality and dangerously obsessive over women.

I talked myself out of it for a minute, but you let me know pretty quickly through some interesting outbursts- I was right from the beginning. Thanks, you helped me to learn to always trust my instincts.

Hope your life becomes (or is now) less dark. Enjoy!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The one that broke your heart the hardest

*sigh*

Seriously?

That's really the only word I can write to you. It goes a little something like this:

You're using your sickle cell as a cover? Seriously?

Its because of the Hennessy Black? Seriously?

Oh yeah, I'm sure someone is watching me. So they know I wasn't home and I SAW YOU! Seriously.

It only happened once? Seriously?

She's a crack whore horrible mother of 4 that's giving up the baby to YOU after she delivers? Seriously?

AND you want me to adopt the baby? Seriously?

Months later... You want to come BACK? And she's pregnant AGAIN? But THIS time she trapped you? Seriously times infinity.

Dude.

I'm over it.

Seriously.

Friday, June 10, 2011

letter to someone that pesters you

S/N: pesters is such a funny word to me. Love it lol



Yes, you bother me. Why? I think you are the biggest hypocrite I know. True, I don't know you much these days, but I don't know that I want to. I still think this calling is great for your life spiritually, emotionally and mentally- but the amount of broadcasting doesn't read 'happy', it still reads 'little boy who needs attention'. Especially your need to insert yourself in my life- what is that exactly?

I need you to understand something: I'm HAPPY for you. This was never about anything else. I just don't get why you are looking backwards instead of forwards. You can't preach renewal while you refuse to let go. We aren't friends. We aren't supposed to be anymore. Live your life, sir.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

letter to the person i wish i could be...

Dear self- actualized Me,
I'm coming for you. I still have some things to work on, and a few more things I'm not ready to do/let go/deal with- but I'm closer to you today than I was a year ago.

When I finally do catch you, I promise to never let go again. You're too special for me to keep punishing you for my mistakes.

See you soon dear!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

letter to someone from childhood...

Dear Ps,
Its not possible for me to list all the memories we had in those years. You guys held me during some of the hardest times I've had and had given me the best laughs of my life. I know that sounds so cliche, but you 3 really were my life for that time.

I was so glad to see one of you this weekend, happy for the new baby another is about to have and proud of the third for accomplishing exactly what you set out to do, even if your path changed.

I know Terry Ellis' "Where ever you are" had a completely different meaning to all of us 14 years ago, I still mean it for all of you today. Build me a road dear, and I will come running.... And I always will. Ps4eva

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

letter to someone in another state

Dear Jus-
You were the first friend I made during my short lived stay in the city of angels. I couldn't tell you the professors name for anything, but we were together everyday after that first walk to the bookstore. You learned me Compton and why I can't wear any color but black until I get to your block. I learned you Franks hot sauce and how to write 'A' papers while drunk at a house party.
I still think of those times and smile. I miss laughing with you about nothing. Though we don't talk as often as we should, I'm so glad you're happy and doing well. Talk to you soon babes!

~j

the person you miss most

(Update: This should catch me up through Mondays letter. I realize its now early Tuesday & I should probably keep going and get myself 100% back on track, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't leave something undone =).

I'm really starting to hate myself for undertaking this project. Forcing myself to come up with new people for each letter and ones I'm ok with even addressing certain subjects with- let alone publicly gets harder daily. Guess that's kinda the point though, huh? Lol)


Dear J,
I don't know when you went away. I feel horrible for that. I wish I had kept closer tabs on you- what you were doing, the choices you were making and how you were dealing in the aftermath of those choices.

Now no one can find you. You have been missing for years and all our attempts to bring you home are starting to seem futile. I will never stop looking for you or the woman you grew into.

Your family, friends and I will be here when you are ready to return. We miss you.

letter to someone you have drifted away from

Dear Old Friend,

I hope this letter finds you well. I've always wanted to say that- and I'm sure you would give me that, as you know I'm ridiculous by nature.

Anyway, our 'drift' was a good thing, I think. Necessary at the very least. While we had been regular fixtures in each others lives for quite a while, we both had growing to do and it wasn't going to happen the way things were.

Part of me wishes I had sat you down and not moved until you heard me about a few things- namely your regular refusal to 'hear' anyone on any subject if it didn't involve them wholeheartedly agreeing with you or co-signing whatever anecdote you felt fit the situation. But then I realize that saying anything at that time would have been about me & my frustration and not about being honest with a friend. In the long term, I'm glad I didn't. All the things I wanted to say had been building for a long time and using the start of that drift as an opportunity to say what I didn't want to deal with saying/ dealing with your reaction to before was selfish. You deserved my honesty in the moment. Maybe if I had, it wouldn't be so difficult for you to hear people and my initial issue would have been solved in the process lol. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

I don't know if we will continue to drift or one day will make more lifetime memories, but my hope for you is that you grow more accepting of others falls and stop hiding your own. Friends don't need you to be perfect, they need you to be present- be that spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically. Let people do the same for you.

As for me, my hope is I will not make the same mistake in not staying honest in the moment with those near to be. It was incredibly unfair of me & I apologize. Please know that whatever I did/ did not tell you does not change my feeling that your friendship was/ is valued. This letter is simply what I wish we would have done differently.

I wish you well always.
~j

letter to someone you wish could forgive you

Dear Xavier,

I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. You deserved so much more. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had risked it for you instead of protecting myself.

And today, just as that day- I don't have enough words to express how much regret I carry and how sorry I am to you.

I will carry you always.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

letter to the person that hurt you most (& an update)

I swear I am starting to hate these letters. I know they are necessary because of the feelings they are forcing me to deal with, but its starting to get emotional as hell. Excuse my lateness in posting them, but its taking longer than planned to process and write something that gets the point across without me going next level and writing 3 page posts.
Work with me folks, I'm a bury-er, not a dealer-er lol.



Dear you,

I have to keep this titled "person that caused me the most pain" because what you used to mean to me won't let me hate you. However, if anyone in my life was worthy of the emotion, it would be you. You changed how I look at everything in my life- friends, family, relationships, my dreams, myself.... There is nothing you haven't tainted.

I realize I'm supposed to write a specific letter to you today, but I refuse to spend more time or tears rehashing all the ways you've changed me. I've written many poems trying to get the pain out of my heart and they will be much more effective at telling you today than trying to revive emotions that died a long time ago in order to save the rest of me.

I hope you ... You know what, I don't know what I hope for you. I can only hope for me.

Dear Father
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last
If the poison that flows through your veins will finally kill you
Take the last bit of humanity you have left, leaving nothing but lips blue
Its been years since you left and I still don't know how to react
Some days I pray that God will take you back
Others I know that the Devil is the only one that can appreciate
The wickedness that lives inside of you, the evil, the sins, the hate

This morning I prayed for you and wished the man
I knew happy fathers day
Even in the silence the dawn carries, I still whispered, afraid to out loud say
That I love and miss my daddy more than I let on
But in my very next breath, I have to acknowledge that man is gone
Taken away in a bottle, then into the moonlight on a pipe of glass
As much as I enjoy the moments of memories, they never seem to last
Those have all but been replaced with spite
To go back to the happy songs takes concentration with all my might

But this letter to you was not meant to rehash what can never be changed
Rather a time to recount to you all that remains
The life that grew from the venomous soil in which you planted it ever so callously
Wake up each morning, proud to finally just be free
All of us have blossomed more than you could fathom on your best day
Doing just fine, I'm very happy say.
Glad that you had sense to chose such an amazing woman to raise what you could not
Its solely on the strength of that your rancor didn't cause my very soul to rot

So thank you, father, for leaving soon enough for the antidote to be given
And saving me from a life which would amount to a deadly prison
Your absence, though the most painful of my life
Was a blow made much more palatable by your former wife
And the lessons learned have brought me closer to my maker
Taught me to be strong the face of any trial, tribulation or danger
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last

Thursday, June 2, 2011

letter to a deceased person

Dear Grampa,

My 8 year old self misses you so much. I still remember the smile you had every time we came to visit, the way your house smelled, the way you taped gifts, the woven area rugs, the faux fireplace you let me 'light' over and over - on the low of course, couldn't let the other kids know I had an extra turn lol.

I can only imagine the conflict you felt in the events that lead to your grandchildren. I know in my heart that you didn't feel that for us- but in that we came from a second marriage, to a man you disagreed with, a poor choice of husband to your daughter and a black man. When I think of the year you were born, the age you grew up in and the values you placed in my mother that made it ok for her fall in love despite societies views- even if you didn't plan for it-I love you more. Add to that the fact I never knew about your fears, your misgivings about him or the ways you quietly helped us and your status as hero is solidified for me.

You died before I was old enough to thank you for that. Before you were able to see that we ended up ok and that he never succeeded. I wish so much that you were able to be here to know we are safe. I wish I had been old enough to tell you thank you, to remember all your stories, to hug you again. I don't even remember crying when you died. I didn't understand what it meant. I thought you would be back on our next visit. Eventually I got used to you not being there, but I didn't get it until your Gram got sick, they sold the house and playing with the fireplace wasn't an option anymore. The one place I knew we would always be safe was gone. I have never had that feeling anywhere else. I love you for allowing me to know its possible.

I love you always,
4th, 2nd, 1st.

letter to someone you want to talk to more

Dear Second Husband,
I know we've joked about a million times, but honestly- you are to this day the only one I've trusted enough to make marriage seem like a concrete possibility in my mind. That's not a proposal, but a testament to how much you have meant to me over the years. Besides, that rich first husband for us to live off for the next 25 years is being rather aloof- I'm still working on it though.

Time passes and our day to day lives are no longer intertwined due to the demands of daily life. And when we talk, its not that I'm leaving things out- its just that boring over here. I'm so proud that you are busy living your dreams (even as much as they may have changed from what you thought they would be 10 years ago) instead of still talking about them. I aspire to be right behind you with my own and able to share that with you soon.

While I would love to talk to you more, I'm ok with just letting you know what I feel for you and we'll catch up when we can. To me, you embody resilience, strength, drive and resourcefulness. You have your lights and you darks, but always triumph over the latter. You have been a necessary & appreciated addition to my life at all times and always will be.

I love you quite muchly & have snowshoes for you whenever you need them.

Deepest love,
j

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

letter to a person i would like to meet

Dear person I would like to meet,

Yeah, I'm late in posting this to you. I understand this is the wrong way to start an introduction- but I wanted to make sure I chose the right person. As I thought through the standard folks, the famous faces that I know I could charm into helping a chick out with some bills and such (I may be perceived as mean at times, but I'm pretty good at turning it on when need be lol), no one that came to mind really pulled at me to be chosen. Sure, I would love to ask Oprah for a hook up. Or Michelle Obama for a job. Maybe to get David Banner to impregnate me (shut up, you know I have issues)- it all seemed superficial. None of those introductions would give me any peace, touch me in the deepest part of my emotional center...and then I thought of you.

While I did meet you as an infant and again briefly as a teenager, I would like the opportunity to have an honest conversation with you as a woman. As someone who wants to be a mother & fears you influence in those children's lives. While this may seem to others to be an act of emotional cutting- I think I need it.

I want to know what happened in your life before you had children. I want to know how you came to be a mother of eight?What did you miss in your life that shaped how you interacted with, loved and related to those children? Did you see signs in what they would grow into when they were young? Did you even care once they did grow? Do you now? And finally, why did you let that interfere with your relationship with me?

Understand, I'm not asking this to chastise or judge you, nor do I need these answers to live a blessed life. I'm not inquiring because 'she' told me lies. I'm asking because I was largely told nothing, and what I got from you added up to less than that. I simply would like to know why. While meeting you again may never give me that, I would like the chance to at least ask.

Maybe one day, you'll share. Maybe some questions aren't meant to be answered. Who knows? *shrug*