Thursday, January 6, 2011

when what you want, what you need & what you know clash

I want something.

At this point I don't know why exactly. The fact that I am conflicted at all gives me pause- maybe that's logic, maybe that's because the feelings are still there.

I'm not someone that's good in operating in 'maybes'. I detest when people give them to me and when that's the only answer I can give myself-thats the point where I drive myself crazy.

Maybe its about 'winning' something.
Maybe its about an immediate need & it will pass.
Maybe its about feelings that never went away because they weren't supposed to.
Maybe its about feelings that never went away because I chose to not deal with them fully- but damn it, I thought I did that!
Maybe its about looking stupid.
Maybe its about being more comfortable with the risk I know than taking a chance on a risk I don't.
Maybe its about not caring what I look like as long as I look happy.
Maybe I'm a fool for even opening the door.
Maybe I just want to trust my heart for once in my life, instead of constantly questioning motives I can't control.
Maybe I should rely on the good sense God gave a fly and run screaming.
Maybe its simply too soon to ask these questions.
Maybe if I do it, I open myself up to something that has the capability of destroying what little faith I have left in others and myself.
Maybe I should just shut up.

That's a lot of fucking maybes.
Have I told you I hate maybes?

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