Monday, December 19, 2011

I bought a new car!

So you finally settled on a dealership and bought a new car from Greg William Buster's Auto Emporium.  Congrats!! Sure, its not exactly what you wanted- a few less miles per gallon and it doesn't have one of those pretty control panel screens that knows everything. And there was a slight hiccup in the finance department - something about the numbers not being exactly right, but its new (to you), the dealership was nice to you and you're happy.

Time passes and you start to wonder if maybe it's time for an alignment, maybe an oil change. You call the dealer to schedule some maintenance and they tell you everything is just fine- no need to look under the hood. This strikes you as a little odd, but hey- they're the professionals, just listen to what they say.

It's been a few years and you've never had to do any maintenance on the car- not even so much as a blown brake light and its great! Who knew there was such a thing as a totally maintenance free car and why did you ever doubt the dealer? Sure, now the check engine light is on and you can't get it inspected, but the dealer said they would take care of it for you and sure enough, you picked up the car and the light was off. They were even nice enough to tuck the wire they pulled out of socket under your dashboard so it didn't look unsightly. How nice of them!!

Then one day, your driving down the road and out of no where, this idiot sideswipes you-all oh no! You're front end is smoking and you don't know if you'll be able to get out. Just at that moment, the car backs up and hits your car AGAIN! This time he hits you from the back- what are the chances?! You finally pull yourself from the wreckage and get the drivers information. Oscar Bill Lawton, you scribble down. His insurance is going to pay for this!! You're taking everything!

The next day, the dealer calls with a breakdown on the damage- its bad, but the car they gave you was strong, and they would fix it right away. All they needed from you was to tell the insurance company to get all they could from Samuel Hunter. Wait, Samuel Hunter? But Oscar Bill Lawton hit you. No no, they insist, Samuel Hunter must pay the bill. Ok they've been right all this time, so you go after Samuel Hunter.

More time passes and you worry that your patched up car isn't going to last as long as you thought. The dealer reminds you how helpful they were after the accident and to give them some more time before you look elsewhere. They are still trying to collect the insurance money from Samuel Hunter and they've been so loyal to you. Sure its cost you a lot of out of pocket expense because you went against your gut on who to go after and the subsequent repairs, but they're right, they've been with you through all of this. How dare you question them?

More years, more you have duct tape holding up your muffler, a cracked windshield, none of your lights work and your car smokes when you turn corners. You are finally fed up with the dealership and decide to make a change. This time you are going to be sure. You interview service managers and look up customer reviews. You even poll your neighbors to see if they think you should change too. Everyone agrees- you should change. Its for the best. So you head on over to Bares O'Brien Motors to get everything checked out. Sure enough, its a mess- but they say if you give them some time, they can work to make it right. You breathe a sigh of relief.

Over the next few months, you notice the new dealer is still costing you a load of cash. Every few days its something else. The wiring is messed up, the transmission is slipping, the belts are worn thin...its never ending with these guys! Why can't he be more like the last dealer and just make it work without all these extras?! He's killing your car repair budget and its starting to cut into your vacation fund. You try to explain to him that for years and years these expenses were not necessary and you think you're being taken you a ride. They explain that there was a much bigger mess under the hood than anyone could have anticipated and though they don't like spending their time fixing it instead of selling you a new car, they will work with what they were given- you just have to give them time. As a gesture of good will, they tracked down Oscar Benjamin Lawton and he made good on the insurance money- they were going to use that to get some of these repairs in order.

You just roll your eyes and mumble under your breath about how much they are costing you. The last dealer was so much better, too bad you didn't just listen and stay with them. This new one seems hell bent on driving you right into the poorhouse with fixing everything- they are ruining your maintenance free car experience! The nerve! You start sitting outside of the office, demanding your money back. You even get your neighbors who spoke so highly of this place to do the same. How dare they try to rip you off?! Don't they know your money is what keeps them in business?!

They sit down with you and try to outline where your car problems started and how they plan to fix them. They even set up a payment plan so that you could have a working car and not go bankrupt. You looked at the plan, then back to them and said 'But does this plan guarantee that my apple tree will never cross pollinate with my cousins orange tree in Florida?'. The dealership is confused..what does that have to do with your car? And how is it even possible that your apple tree and an orange tree in Florida will cross pollinate? You laugh at their confusion. They really must be stupid! Far too stupid to fix your car and they are definitely not the dealership for you. Stupid Irish! Not that that's why you think they are too dumb to fix your car, just saying.... its a Irish dealership. It's just an observation. I mean, some of your coworkers are Irish and they are very sweet people! Its just.... it's not important- you just need to find a new dealership again. This ones just not working out.....

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Well, I'm like 3? 4? ...we'll just say hella behind on update. My great apologies to those that do read this and to myself for not taking the time to follow through on what I made a priority.

First things first- my eating has been atrocious and aside from my belly dance class (that I skipped this week) I haven't done any working out. I haven't weighed myself but Im reasonably sure I've gained weight. I keep falling back into the traps of burying stressful situations under a pile of take out and junk. I really need new coping mechanisms.

Speaking on coping mechanisms, I did have 2 cigarettes after the whole cancer news with my father. I think its safe to say at this point they aren't effective to me anymore. I choked both down back to back trying to make them work for my stress again, but they just wouldn't cooperate. They just added to my frustration. All I could hear while I was smoking was his labored breathing alternating with pulling from his oxygen mask. That's not what I want for my life, I don't care how good they taste. I don't know if the random cravings will ever go away, but ignoring them is getting easier.

My credit repair goals are going along as planned- better even- as I've been able to keep it cute in the money department for the last few months and this should continue over the next few months. Not out of the woods per se, as now I have a new school related debt, but I'm in a position to get that handled quickly, as opposed to not knowing how I'm going to make it work at all.

So the quest toward a better me continues....

You're not the same person...

A longtime friend said this to me recently. At first it really pissed me off- how the hell are you going to tell me I'm But you know what? She's right. And I have zero place to even be mad she would say that.

The last few years have been a roller coaster of emotions for me- both in dealing with past hurts and stumbling upon new ways to upend my life. It also has been a time of finally setting limits and personal boundaries in what I will accept for my life, ways to change it for the better and HEAL. Yes, it took a huge toll on me, added strain to friendships and rendered my love life nonexistent- but would I prefer to be in the same place I was before all this just to avoid the pain? Absolutely not!

I feel horrible that some of my friendships are different now. But in the grand scheme of life- not all of them were meant to stand the test of time. We had fun. I love you & hope you will always love me, but I was never happy in that place, I was just a better actor than I'm willing to be today. It saddens me that you were there to see how lost I was and still want me to be back in that, but I understand change is hard- especially when its on someone else's terms.

I'm by no means done with the changes I want for myself (and honestly I hope I never stop striving for more) but I hope once I get on a solid path we find a way to see each other through trustful eyes again and you will have growth of your own to share with me!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

"I have cancer."

I've spent the last few days wrapping my head around hearing those words from...well.... I don't quite know what to call him and therein lies my trouble in processing them.

As of today, I'm calm. I've delivered that news to the people that need it, even though he was too selfish or scared to do so and I've had time to get over the initial shock. What I'm going to do with that information, I'm not sure. But to know I have a chance to make my own decision about it instead of just getting word of his death is comforting.

I'm sure I'll write more as this situation progresses- Both about my inner struggle with what my role should be marches on and what I perceive his health status to be. But right now I just want to have a chance to sit with it quietly. Maybe if I shut up for once, I'll actually be able to hear God tell me how to let him go this time.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

First update of November

Its the 6th of November , so I have 56 days to get all this stuff wrapped up. A little past half way, and I'm feeling good about it. Still a few stumbling blocks like sticking to the no takeout ban- namely the McDonald's breakfast hurdle I keep tripping over.But i'm working on it. I cooked meals for the week today, so it should be a million times easier to make good choices. Oatmeal, jaz. Oat-freakin-meal.

I hit my goal of 4x a week in the gym this week. Had a small mental victory after changing my routine- my first abdominal charley horse since double sessions in high school. Not a stitch from running, an all out sieze from ab work. I don't really care if its because I was working just that hard or I'm just that out of shape in the core area- I got one. Yes, you've all told me im weird before, I got it lol. Im also starting to lose the 'pain' muscle reaction and seeing it replaced with the 'fatigue' reaction. Glad I'm moving in the right direction there, but I hope I move on quickly, its so hard to motivate myself to work through until it passes.

Now onto the bad number movement. My weight still fluctuates within the same 5-7lbs. I need to stop weighing myself, but its compulsive. I am seeing my calves coming back to life and my goal jeans go up now (still don't close lol) so I guess I'm good, but I hate that shit.

On all other fronts: no changes or already completed.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Back to the gym

As promised, I went. Ususally its hard to GET it was a struggle to stay there. I hope this desktop continue (the hard to stay part I mean).
Weights the same. Completion time the same. Given the last 3 weeks of ridiculously rich eating and minimal focus on exercise....Meh..alrighty then.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Everyone has a keep on dreamin!

Jesus you love me,dont you?

And I love you too!

I'm telling you folks....I don't know if any of you noticed that there has been a hint of depression and despair in my posts over the last few years (sarcasm)....but right before I made these short term goals for myself I sat down and had a little conversation with God. Basically I wanted Him to know that I know He knows I'm close to the edge, but jumping was looking much better than holding on. I needed to be reminded why I'm holding on - not that everything will be perfect, but that I would be ok.

These goals, while necessary and positive forward movement, were really my last ditch effort at giving everything I have to a make my life a LIFE and not just a series of breaths. If I couldn't do it, I was chucking the deuces up to the rest of the flock. I felt like such a failure because I just had to humble myself to ask for more help than I knew I could return favor on, I didn't feel like I would or could ever finish school and I felt so...forgotten. It all felt so impossible to climb out of. Well, I'm still climbing (and stumbling) but let me give you the update on why October 2011 is my official answer from the Big Homie that I was not forgotten.

[I'm literally in tears as I write this, thinking back on how different a feeling I have from then to now. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.]

Ok, on with the update..
So far October (end of september) brought me to Diana Ross, the Isley Brothers, to Mexico with my siblings (that I needed so so much) and my blessed financial aid refund (lol).

So today, as I was driving back to work after paying the last 2 debts in my goals to reach before January, I was contemplating picking another debt to pay off, blowing $ on concert tickets (either Will Downing or Smokey Robinson) or padding my savings. Don't you know the radio station asked for the 10th caller and instead of changing the channel - I called and won! 2 tickets to see Will Downing. Coincidence, sure. Luck of the draw, fine. But I know doing what I was supposed to be doing and following through with my promises put me in that place at that time and that was His reminder to stop giving up on myself & Him. It may be stupid to everyone else, but I've been having a great month for 3 weeks- It didn't occur to me that He pulled me back from the edge until a few hours ago. I get it. I thank You.

So, lets wrap this up:
-3 debts- paid in full
-school- midterms are this week. I'm pulling low a's in both classes.
-smoking- still smoke free. Still mad about the puff in mexcio.
-my diet has been much better (I started the bgg2wl plans last week), but I'm slacking on 5k progress. I have an appointment with a treadmill in the morning lol.

New goal added: 2 stupid debts off my credit report.

Lets goooooooooooooo

Monday, October 17, 2011

reading is fundamental

The BBC says that most people only read about 6 books on this list.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES.
• Bold those books you've read in their entirety.
• Italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read only an excerpt.

My results: 7, so i guess i'm ahead of the game. i'm posting this as more of a "get your butt back to reading literature, not filth you heathen!" reminder than an actual assessment. the ones in bold are things i could have an actual conversation on. there are about 5 more i know i was supposed to read and probably did enough to get through a paper on, but i couldn't tell you up from down on any of them.

Time for another goal: 2 a year until i graduate. 3 a year during my masters. 4 a year until i finish. so, before 11/1/12- pride and prejudice & lord of the rings. GO!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare-- masters in English

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy 2x

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (MY FAV!)

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt (skimmed mostly the 2nd half)

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Two weeks in one

Sorry i missed last week. I'll give you the scoop on the vacation a little later..but first, the business...

Great big huge fail on the weight loss...all inclusive resorts will do that to you. I ate, drank and was merry enough for two (ok three) people. By Thursday of this week i could see the difference in how clothes fit and just how round i looked in general. Add ti that the on site gym left much to ve desired. I don't need much, but a working cardio machine of any kind would have been nice. I did do alot of walking and swimming, but most of it had a drink in my hand before, during or after.
On a positive note, i am looking at my shopping list right now to be right back on track.
I also slipped and had a cigarette. Well, a puff. It was disgusting. Sadly, that will take me out of the running to hit 3 months of smoke free by Jan 1. What a waste. But hey, i made it all week with no patches (after the second one ended up floating in the pool, i gave up) and i sure as hell can make the rest of my time until 1/1 smoke free.
Finances have no updates...and what else? I think thats it.  Next week should have some wins instead of losses to report.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Wins, losses and tests...

I know im a day late, but it wouldn't be me if i did anything on time.
In ultimate win news... My mom & i went to see Diana Ross!! For 67 (any age really) this chick is still getting it in! The show lasted a little over an hour and she had 6 outfit changes. The signature hair was in full effect and in case you were unaware as to where tracee got that ass from... Diana really does have a donk- AT 67! Im so used to seeing women with stuff falling or spreading, i wasn't prepared to get booty envy from a woman old enough to be my mama (grandma if you're talking hood generation gaps lol). Anyway, she was amazing and it was so nice to share that with my mom. The ease of our relationship these days is such a blessing.

Moving onto Saturdays win- Ron. Freakin. Isley. Sure there were other acts, but my $30 was living for the love of..sorry, i get carried away sometimes lol- it was spent to see the brothers get it in and hear Ron hit that high note at 'always' of the always come back to you in 'Voyage to Atlantis'. That song is so beyond perfection there hasn't been a word created yet. (note: there is a piece i wrote to go with that song a ways back on this blog, I'll look for it and link) The rest of their set was wonderful as well. We didn't stay for maze ft frankie Beverly as I've seen them a bunch of times and the old folk funk was getting a little outrageous by then. By old folk funk i don't mean smell, but that curled lip with the ugly face that broadcasts they will be tearing up their significant others private areas as soon as they hit the parking lot( maybe sooner). Folks came out clean in their best church suits, pimp canes and 'i still got' hoochie wear. I saw enough unbridled over the hill tittyballs to know there was going be some relighting of carnal flames coming that i didn't want to be privy to lol.

Oh yeah- bobby womack came on first and while i thought i had never seen him before, i was reminded he was the one stripping on stage at the last old folk gathering. I think i put it out my mind to protect my psyche. Anyway, he was there. Seems to be recovering slowly from that heart attack- that's all im going to say on that.

In terms of tests- both events posed a challenge for me as i have for the most part avoided going anywhere or to any event i would see folks i haven't seen in years or need to look nice for as I've felt like such an ugly duckling (maybe humpty dumpty ia a better assessment) over the last few years. Well, i didn't feel like a model, but i dam sure was killing them both nights. I didn't take any pics at the legendz tour, but i felt great. I've built back up enough strength in my legs to handle the extra weight without wobbling and my strut is back. Im going to be a problem soon- can't freakin wait lol.

This last week was an ultimate fail in terms of the gym- i only made it once.Im going to go ahead and blame that on the ear infection im nursing, but its frustrating nonetheless. This week up coming should be light, but more productive and next week I'll have all the time in the world to get my sweat on as I'll be sipping fruity concoctions in the Mexican Riveria. If i can't manage 60 mins a day when my time is all my own, i need to just be fat forever because that is nothing but sheer laziness.

Now tests... I was thinking on what those were as i drove home last night and i guess it would be the lecture my doctor gave me when i went in for my ear infection- my blood pressure is too high and the fact i keep deciding i dont feel like filling the prescription she's given me 3 times is unacceptable. This time she got serious and starting listing off all the vital organs im stressing by being hard headed -heart, yeah i know. Kidneys-they hate me anyway. Eyes- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! Ima be blind?! Before you write me off as a silly one for not knowing that- of course you know these things- but sometimes it takes blunt honesty for you to hear these things. I don't want to live in a dark world (or a non driving one) let me get my life right.

And if i had any doubts that my body is rebelling against all the damage I've been doing- this morning it decided to remind me that i better stay the course by completely giving out on me. While sitting in class, i had another sharp drop on blood sugar- causing me to damn near collapse and then throw up- mostly in a lab sink, but partly on myself- scaring the shit out of the entire room. Score.
I havent had an attack like that in about 4 years, but I've had them over the course of my whole life. I hadn't thought about them in forever and i guess took for granted they were gone, but i guess my body needed to drive home the message that this time is for real- im out of opportunities to make a change before something life changing happens and the changes are no longer because i want to live longer but because i won't live longer if i don't.

Dear body,
I heard you. We're going to work this out.

Ps-still smoke free.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Seriously God?

Im dying. No, for real.. My head is about to explode, sending pieces of matter all about my not nearly clean enough to be discovered in apartment.
I can't talk because my throat is swollen and it gives me a headache to try. Im breaking out in sweats, nose is running and overall Im miserable....  But i have no temperature, so there is nothing i can do about it.
I gulped down about a half a bottle of nyquil last night at 9 and went into a vix coma until morning. On  the wakeup i had that "oh i feel so much better!" moment -the one that tricks you into thinking everything cool-until you move and midget resume bashing you in the face with 2x4s again.
God, do you realize Im going to see Diana freaking Ross this evening?!? That i have a dress ready to go that i didn't cry upon trying on?!! Do you remember that the isleys are coming THIS weekend!?! I haven't been really truly ill in a few  years and i get sick now!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011


Happy Sunday folks! Just a quick update as i sit in my car outside of the gym (yes,i already went in lol). I fell short of my 4x a week goal last week, but starting this week out strong- took 2 minutes and some change off my 5k time. My legs are angry as a mug and my knee felt like it was going to crack in half around 15 minutes in. Realizing how much stress and unnecessary damage I've put my body through over the years is a hard pill to swallow. THIS USED TO BE EASY!!!! But i will not let that stop me from fixing it. I slowed down for 3 minutes and let my body work through it. And whaddyano.. I didnt die lol.
I hopped on the scale after-i know that the worst time to weigh yourself, but i forgot on the way in, so it is what it is.. 2lbs down. That number seems so trying to reroute my thinking, remind myself that it creeped on when i wasn't looking, it will come off the same way-but thats easier said than done.
I ordered some meal plans from this site I've been reading for about a year about clean eating and dedicating oneself to making a change for life. (go read it: I love the site and the author is a real inspiration. Now its just a matter of making myself my own inspiration. One foot in front of the goes i.

As far as my other goals, im not even looking at the goal jeans until im a good month into this.
I have 2/3 debts i wanted done before the end of this semester out of the way and im on the way to finishing off the second.
And i still havent had a cigarette. I bought the second box of patches last week. My biggest challenge has been buying the second box instead of a loosie (or an entire pack). So hurdle one out of the way. I have the electric cigarette & use on the drive home from work (you knee my job and right now i need that lol) but the rest of the time i'm fine. I even went to a bbq last weekend with most of the attendees being smokers and though i chomped through a few pieces of gum to take the edge off, made it through with a smile.

That's it i guess..folk on the move!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Why wait?

Before i get into todays thought, let me just say- i should have upgraded my phone a long time ago! A blogger app? No more messing with trying yo post from a phone browser? No more not posting because the thought of pulling out my laptop after a long day is just too much? No more forgetting that great post idea? Im so in!! post-why wait?
I can't even describe how much people and their new years resolutions get on my nerves-myself included. (although i do make a point to keep them to myself lol) Overnight you're going to transform into a skinny waif type with a ghetto booty? And quit smoking? And get your credit right? And get right with God? And give up crack? AND not go crazy? Thats a rough freakin day! And when does a resolution expire? Where's the follow up? When is it safe to say you failed? The next year? Nah, thats too broad to stick too and we all know it.

This year im not doing it. We have three and a half months left until 2012. I don't even know what my resolutions were last year exactly (i could guess the basics, but you see where im going with that). This year, new years is my deadline for a few small goals. Nothing that is going to require an entire life over haul.. But enough that if i keep up the 3month deadline format for a few rotations i should be on an entirely different path. Im good with that.

In the interest of keeping me we go. My goals. Specifically. With no room for 'i kinda did that.' excuses.

°be smoke free (still). I started 9/8(again) and you all know im good for stopping/restarting every time the weather changes, so this time its a 3 month requirement to reach the goal. Guess i better not pull any of that 'just a loosie' madness.

°fit into the dark wash low rise jeans 3rd from the back of my closet. Yes, i have 3 different 'goal' jeans. This is the one im closest to making it into. Im going grocery shopping tomorrow to make my start on that goal.

°37 min 5k. In high school i could go it in my sleep under 30.That's 7 extra minutes and pushing myself to make it if i can hit that goal by January. So I've got to shave 5 minutes off a month from now on.

°get 3 current debts off my to do list. The first one is in my purse to be sent right now. I have 2 more for bills I'll be accumulating this semester. All will be gone before this year is out. Secondary to those i would like to get my credit score up 50 points. I have it set up so this is very doable if i use my current accounts wisely.

°a degree. Don't care its not the one im ultimately going for.. But its SOMETHING. I will have it!

I know I've already had a chance to get started, but i would like you to do this with me. Take the next few weeks and lay the ground work. October 1 is d-day... Folks on the move!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011



Tonight was interesting. I needed a release, I needed that smile that only comes from the time you get from laughing with friends. So instead of spending another saturday chained to work until midnight- I went to get what I needed.

One problem- it ended in screaming.

Those that know me know my reaction to bullshit is silence. You can't argue with emotion. Let it happen- sort it out later. But there is a limit- and when I reached mine, I held on and let someone cross it. Maybe it was respect for those around us. Maybe it was that I was waiting to see if I was the only one dumbfounded. Maybe I'm just old... But whatever I reason, I sat there and attempted peacemaker while someone verbally spit in my face for the sake of not letting something stupid escalate anymore.

Funny thing, the bullshit wasn't even with someone I consider close. We see each other socially, we're cool, we laugh- but not someone I'm calling to talk, ya know? So I'm not even emotionally invested enough to give a damn about an argument. Yeah, I'm 38 hot about you yelling like a banshee and justifying it with 'you know I'm loud, you should deal with it'... and I would have loved to quieted that down for you- but tomorrow- fuck it. I've got bigger things to occupy my mind.

What's really eating me is that through the whole thing- Not one person in the room would look me in my eye.

Its small, its stupid. But there are people that read this blog that know what that (and the lack of it) means to ME.

Amazing how worthless remaining calm can be.

Monday, July 4, 2011

ps: the challenge

The short version: I failed.

I have no plans on redeeming that. It was helpful in a few ways, repetative & monotomous in more. Should I have weighed that out before I started? Yeah. But what I did do was cathartic, so we'll just leave it at that. I hope you enjoyed what was given.

whats worse: the truth or the lie?

Over the last few months, I've found myself getting more and more frustrated with people close to me. In my head, I know I'm just putting my own frustrations over things I've failed to do on them. In my heart, I'm angry because I feel lied to. I can understand this sounds ludicrous, psycho and incredibly extra- but this blog is meant to get out my thoughts and feelings, so off I go.

See, I've been angry at my ex for a long time. Until recently, I didn't think I would ever let go of the inadequacies, the hurt and the betrayal I felt at the final end of our relationship. But a brief revisit to our physical relationship & a lengthy bout of e-stalking later (don't ask) I realize that while there might have been lies about his actions- he never lied to me about me or the future he wanted with us. He lied about what he was capable of -both the good & the bad- and still is. But in the end, that wasn't what hurt me the most. What hurt the most was the truth I wasn't able to handle, as much as I told myself I could. Accepting those truths and letting go of the lies they got mixed up in was what helped me let it go.

That long winded back story brings me to my current state of flux- my relationship with those that do actually love me & what feels like a betrayal on their part. They tell me I'm beautiful. They think I'm wonderful. They worry I'm selling myself short. While they may believe that and wish I could see it- what they will never tell me is the one thing I desperately need to hear- I'm killing myself. I've let all the chips fall and never bothered to clean up the mess. I just let it get worse. All the while, these same people never checked me on my bull shit. I know they did it out of kindness. I know they love me. I know they know me well enough to see I don't respond well to being checked. I just wish one of them would have put that aside and repeated what the man I referred to as 'satan' was strong enough to tell me- I'm a mess.

Would I have villianized them like I did him? God I hope not, because I love them all so much more than I ever did him & I would hate to think my own stubbornness would punish them for my own faults.
Was it really their job to check me when I wouldn't check myself? Absolutely not. But if your friends won't tell you the truth, who will? Its like that girl you see in the club- hair akimbo, outfit a mess, drunk out of her mind. You ask- why did her friends let her play herself like that? Its not really her friends fault, but clearly she needed a voice of reason. Right now, I'm that mess with no reason.
Am I wrong for feeling betrayed about the negative they didn't say instead of feeling lucky for the positives they did? Most definitely. Again-this isn't about being right, its about getting feelings out of my head.

I say all this to say what? My ex is a saint for being honest? My friends don't love me because I feel like they lied to be kind instead of be honest and hurting me more? I guess part of the answer to that is yes. More of it is no- I'm still looking for anyone/thing to blame but myself.

Ultimately, this is on me to solve....but when you can't solve a problem, when the resolution you need is the last thing you can imagine where can you go for help if honestly only lies in those you can't trust? How do you make it when you're too broken to fix it yourself? What's the answer when you're your own worst critic, enemy and judge?

I don't know. And I'm still not strong enough to fix it. I still don't know how to get there. I'm still out of control & getting worse. I still don't know where help is or how to accept it.

Guess that means I'm doomed right? Shit, I don't know how to accept that either.

Monday, June 13, 2011

letter to a 2nd chance

Dear Johnathan,

*cues brian mcknight*

I wish we had been older, more mature when 'we' were. I think our relationship was supposed to be a short one, but you'll always be the one that I'd like a second chance with. I'm sorry I never said goodbye to you. Our last fight was stupid and I should have told you instead of screaming independent- but I really was at work.

Thank you for being the smile to which all men in the future will be compared to. I hope you are well.

authors note

You're not tripping, I have been missing for a week and back dated the entries to reflect the days they were supposed to be done on. Sue me- its been a busy

Sunday, June 12, 2011

letter to someone i judged by first impression

Dear GA,

I thought you were odd, depressive, strangely preoccupied with following organizations that carry an almost cult like status, out of touch with reality and dangerously obsessive over women.

I talked myself out of it for a minute, but you let me know pretty quickly through some interesting outbursts- I was right from the beginning. Thanks, you helped me to learn to always trust my instincts.

Hope your life becomes (or is now) less dark. Enjoy!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The one that broke your heart the hardest



That's really the only word I can write to you. It goes a little something like this:

You're using your sickle cell as a cover? Seriously?

Its because of the Hennessy Black? Seriously?

Oh yeah, I'm sure someone is watching me. So they know I wasn't home and I SAW YOU! Seriously.

It only happened once? Seriously?

She's a crack whore horrible mother of 4 that's giving up the baby to YOU after she delivers? Seriously?

AND you want me to adopt the baby? Seriously?

Months later... You want to come BACK? And she's pregnant AGAIN? But THIS time she trapped you? Seriously times infinity.


I'm over it.


Friday, June 10, 2011

letter to someone that pesters you

S/N: pesters is such a funny word to me. Love it lol

Yes, you bother me. Why? I think you are the biggest hypocrite I know. True, I don't know you much these days, but I don't know that I want to. I still think this calling is great for your life spiritually, emotionally and mentally- but the amount of broadcasting doesn't read 'happy', it still reads 'little boy who needs attention'. Especially your need to insert yourself in my life- what is that exactly?

I need you to understand something: I'm HAPPY for you. This was never about anything else. I just don't get why you are looking backwards instead of forwards. You can't preach renewal while you refuse to let go. We aren't friends. We aren't supposed to be anymore. Live your life, sir.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

letter to the person i wish i could be...

Dear self- actualized Me,
I'm coming for you. I still have some things to work on, and a few more things I'm not ready to do/let go/deal with- but I'm closer to you today than I was a year ago.

When I finally do catch you, I promise to never let go again. You're too special for me to keep punishing you for my mistakes.

See you soon dear!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

letter to someone from childhood...

Dear Ps,
Its not possible for me to list all the memories we had in those years. You guys held me during some of the hardest times I've had and had given me the best laughs of my life. I know that sounds so cliche, but you 3 really were my life for that time.

I was so glad to see one of you this weekend, happy for the new baby another is about to have and proud of the third for accomplishing exactly what you set out to do, even if your path changed.

I know Terry Ellis' "Where ever you are" had a completely different meaning to all of us 14 years ago, I still mean it for all of you today. Build me a road dear, and I will come running.... And I always will. Ps4eva

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

letter to someone in another state

Dear Jus-
You were the first friend I made during my short lived stay in the city of angels. I couldn't tell you the professors name for anything, but we were together everyday after that first walk to the bookstore. You learned me Compton and why I can't wear any color but black until I get to your block. I learned you Franks hot sauce and how to write 'A' papers while drunk at a house party.
I still think of those times and smile. I miss laughing with you about nothing. Though we don't talk as often as we should, I'm so glad you're happy and doing well. Talk to you soon babes!


the person you miss most

(Update: This should catch me up through Mondays letter. I realize its now early Tuesday & I should probably keep going and get myself 100% back on track, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't leave something undone =).

I'm really starting to hate myself for undertaking this project. Forcing myself to come up with new people for each letter and ones I'm ok with even addressing certain subjects with- let alone publicly gets harder daily. Guess that's kinda the point though, huh? Lol)

Dear J,
I don't know when you went away. I feel horrible for that. I wish I had kept closer tabs on you- what you were doing, the choices you were making and how you were dealing in the aftermath of those choices.

Now no one can find you. You have been missing for years and all our attempts to bring you home are starting to seem futile. I will never stop looking for you or the woman you grew into.

Your family, friends and I will be here when you are ready to return. We miss you.

letter to someone you have drifted away from

Dear Old Friend,

I hope this letter finds you well. I've always wanted to say that- and I'm sure you would give me that, as you know I'm ridiculous by nature.

Anyway, our 'drift' was a good thing, I think. Necessary at the very least. While we had been regular fixtures in each others lives for quite a while, we both had growing to do and it wasn't going to happen the way things were.

Part of me wishes I had sat you down and not moved until you heard me about a few things- namely your regular refusal to 'hear' anyone on any subject if it didn't involve them wholeheartedly agreeing with you or co-signing whatever anecdote you felt fit the situation. But then I realize that saying anything at that time would have been about me & my frustration and not about being honest with a friend. In the long term, I'm glad I didn't. All the things I wanted to say had been building for a long time and using the start of that drift as an opportunity to say what I didn't want to deal with saying/ dealing with your reaction to before was selfish. You deserved my honesty in the moment. Maybe if I had, it wouldn't be so difficult for you to hear people and my initial issue would have been solved in the process lol. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

I don't know if we will continue to drift or one day will make more lifetime memories, but my hope for you is that you grow more accepting of others falls and stop hiding your own. Friends don't need you to be perfect, they need you to be present- be that spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically. Let people do the same for you.

As for me, my hope is I will not make the same mistake in not staying honest in the moment with those near to be. It was incredibly unfair of me & I apologize. Please know that whatever I did/ did not tell you does not change my feeling that your friendship was/ is valued. This letter is simply what I wish we would have done differently.

I wish you well always.

letter to someone you wish could forgive you

Dear Xavier,

I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. You deserved so much more. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had risked it for you instead of protecting myself.

And today, just as that day- I don't have enough words to express how much regret I carry and how sorry I am to you.

I will carry you always.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

letter to the person that hurt you most (& an update)

I swear I am starting to hate these letters. I know they are necessary because of the feelings they are forcing me to deal with, but its starting to get emotional as hell. Excuse my lateness in posting them, but its taking longer than planned to process and write something that gets the point across without me going next level and writing 3 page posts.
Work with me folks, I'm a bury-er, not a dealer-er lol.

Dear you,

I have to keep this titled "person that caused me the most pain" because what you used to mean to me won't let me hate you. However, if anyone in my life was worthy of the emotion, it would be you. You changed how I look at everything in my life- friends, family, relationships, my dreams, myself.... There is nothing you haven't tainted.

I realize I'm supposed to write a specific letter to you today, but I refuse to spend more time or tears rehashing all the ways you've changed me. I've written many poems trying to get the pain out of my heart and they will be much more effective at telling you today than trying to revive emotions that died a long time ago in order to save the rest of me.

I hope you ... You know what, I don't know what I hope for you. I can only hope for me.

Dear Father
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last
If the poison that flows through your veins will finally kill you
Take the last bit of humanity you have left, leaving nothing but lips blue
Its been years since you left and I still don't know how to react
Some days I pray that God will take you back
Others I know that the Devil is the only one that can appreciate
The wickedness that lives inside of you, the evil, the sins, the hate

This morning I prayed for you and wished the man
I knew happy fathers day
Even in the silence the dawn carries, I still whispered, afraid to out loud say
That I love and miss my daddy more than I let on
But in my very next breath, I have to acknowledge that man is gone
Taken away in a bottle, then into the moonlight on a pipe of glass
As much as I enjoy the moments of memories, they never seem to last
Those have all but been replaced with spite
To go back to the happy songs takes concentration with all my might

But this letter to you was not meant to rehash what can never be changed
Rather a time to recount to you all that remains
The life that grew from the venomous soil in which you planted it ever so callously
Wake up each morning, proud to finally just be free
All of us have blossomed more than you could fathom on your best day
Doing just fine, I'm very happy say.
Glad that you had sense to chose such an amazing woman to raise what you could not
Its solely on the strength of that your rancor didn't cause my very soul to rot

So thank you, father, for leaving soon enough for the antidote to be given
And saving me from a life which would amount to a deadly prison
Your absence, though the most painful of my life
Was a blow made much more palatable by your former wife
And the lessons learned have brought me closer to my maker
Taught me to be strong the face of any trial, tribulation or danger
Yet another year has past
And yet again, I wonder if this is to be your last

Thursday, June 2, 2011

letter to a deceased person

Dear Grampa,

My 8 year old self misses you so much. I still remember the smile you had every time we came to visit, the way your house smelled, the way you taped gifts, the woven area rugs, the faux fireplace you let me 'light' over and over - on the low of course, couldn't let the other kids know I had an extra turn lol.

I can only imagine the conflict you felt in the events that lead to your grandchildren. I know in my heart that you didn't feel that for us- but in that we came from a second marriage, to a man you disagreed with, a poor choice of husband to your daughter and a black man. When I think of the year you were born, the age you grew up in and the values you placed in my mother that made it ok for her fall in love despite societies views- even if you didn't plan for it-I love you more. Add to that the fact I never knew about your fears, your misgivings about him or the ways you quietly helped us and your status as hero is solidified for me.

You died before I was old enough to thank you for that. Before you were able to see that we ended up ok and that he never succeeded. I wish so much that you were able to be here to know we are safe. I wish I had been old enough to tell you thank you, to remember all your stories, to hug you again. I don't even remember crying when you died. I didn't understand what it meant. I thought you would be back on our next visit. Eventually I got used to you not being there, but I didn't get it until your Gram got sick, they sold the house and playing with the fireplace wasn't an option anymore. The one place I knew we would always be safe was gone. I have never had that feeling anywhere else. I love you for allowing me to know its possible.

I love you always,
4th, 2nd, 1st.

letter to someone you want to talk to more

Dear Second Husband,
I know we've joked about a million times, but honestly- you are to this day the only one I've trusted enough to make marriage seem like a concrete possibility in my mind. That's not a proposal, but a testament to how much you have meant to me over the years. Besides, that rich first husband for us to live off for the next 25 years is being rather aloof- I'm still working on it though.

Time passes and our day to day lives are no longer intertwined due to the demands of daily life. And when we talk, its not that I'm leaving things out- its just that boring over here. I'm so proud that you are busy living your dreams (even as much as they may have changed from what you thought they would be 10 years ago) instead of still talking about them. I aspire to be right behind you with my own and able to share that with you soon.

While I would love to talk to you more, I'm ok with just letting you know what I feel for you and we'll catch up when we can. To me, you embody resilience, strength, drive and resourcefulness. You have your lights and you darks, but always triumph over the latter. You have been a necessary & appreciated addition to my life at all times and always will be.

I love you quite muchly & have snowshoes for you whenever you need them.

Deepest love,

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

letter to a person i would like to meet

Dear person I would like to meet,

Yeah, I'm late in posting this to you. I understand this is the wrong way to start an introduction- but I wanted to make sure I chose the right person. As I thought through the standard folks, the famous faces that I know I could charm into helping a chick out with some bills and such (I may be perceived as mean at times, but I'm pretty good at turning it on when need be lol), no one that came to mind really pulled at me to be chosen. Sure, I would love to ask Oprah for a hook up. Or Michelle Obama for a job. Maybe to get David Banner to impregnate me (shut up, you know I have issues)- it all seemed superficial. None of those introductions would give me any peace, touch me in the deepest part of my emotional center...and then I thought of you.

While I did meet you as an infant and again briefly as a teenager, I would like the opportunity to have an honest conversation with you as a woman. As someone who wants to be a mother & fears you influence in those children's lives. While this may seem to others to be an act of emotional cutting- I think I need it.

I want to know what happened in your life before you had children. I want to know how you came to be a mother of eight?What did you miss in your life that shaped how you interacted with, loved and related to those children? Did you see signs in what they would grow into when they were young? Did you even care once they did grow? Do you now? And finally, why did you let that interfere with your relationship with me?

Understand, I'm not asking this to chastise or judge you, nor do I need these answers to live a blessed life. I'm not inquiring because 'she' told me lies. I'm asking because I was largely told nothing, and what I got from you added up to less than that. I simply would like to know why. While meeting you again may never give me that, I would like the chance to at least ask.

Maybe one day, you'll share. Maybe some questions aren't meant to be answered. Who knows? *shrug*

Monday, May 30, 2011

letter to my internet friends

Dear Favorite Internet Friend,
Yet again, I can't really write this to one person. There are six fools in my email everyday & to value one random jokester over another would be unfair. Now that I think about it, 3 of them are real life folk now, but as our regular communication is online, they win anyway.

While people will look at me sideways for taking my breaks at 30 min intervals to read email on my phone, it is a worthy use of time when it comes to these folks. They have ruined all that is pure, reverent and sacred about every topic under the sun. In our e-world, Prince is the reigning king of life, pandas are a sign on sexual deviance, pirates are real & some Canadian woman named Kim is our hero at least once a week.

While there have been quite a few line up changes over the years and I came in at the end of the usual suspects heyday, the current setup keeps me in danger of losing my job from laughing so hard pretty much on a daily basis- not to mention all the shoes links they have ruined my bank account with. I wouldn't be able to take my job with out them.

So thank you, blog homies, for making WAR EAGLE, *unsubscribe*, Maybe? & this is work related a part of my daily vernacular. I look forward to many more productive hours wasted with you all.

Love from southern Canada,
P, J, Ja(z)s, holder of clean curtains, etc...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

letter to my ex

Dear Ex,
I sat for a long time this morning thinking about what I wanted to say to you in this letter. Would I focus on the times where you made me feel like the most beautiful, amazing and lucky woman on earth? Or should I go off and rage about all the evil ways we ended and all the lies I found out about after the fact?

In the end, while I appreciate the good times we had, writing this letter about them seemed false. But putting energy into rehashing all the things that ended 'us' feels like a waste of energy. Sure, there are times that my mind will wander back and I still have anger towards the situation, to the signs I would have seen had I had a bit more maturity and been a better judge of character. But I've told you all that. There's nothing new or any grand epiphanies that writing this letter would bring.

So I will simply say 'Its over." Whatever love or pain I experienced- I learned from it. As I look at your life now, sadly you haven't. Its still everyone else's fault. I hope one day that you will & it makes you a stronger man for your kids, yourself and whomever you decide to have a new relationship with. I'm tired of feeling broken behind it. And somewhere along the way- I did heal. I just didn't realize it until I had to write this to you today.

God speed & God bless,

Saturday, May 28, 2011

letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,
As we both stood in the seemingly endless void that is a checkout lane at our local Wal-Mart, surrounded by women with too few clothes, government subsidized shoppers with multiple carts full of junk and old ladies with mountains of coupons & checkbooks in hand- I could tell you were tired. You wore a Perkins name tag, your pony tail was slightly off center and your sneakers showed signs of wear and spills from the shift I gather you just finished. I'm going to guess that the happy birthday Dora gift bag in your cart means your day is far from over and a child's birthday is in your very near future.

It was the sight of your daughter that prompted me to write you this letter. An adorable child of about five or six, her curly hair was expertly sectioned in multiple ponytails, each tied with bright bows selected to match an ironed, correctly sized dress that was cute enough to surely send my mother into hysterics as to why I don't have kids yet. Her white sandals were actually white and also were a proper fit. She spent our time in line asking you questions about how far away her birthday was and if she could have a counting party. While I have never heard of a counting party, her excitement about being able to do it & her want to share it with her friends made me smile.

After your reassurance that she could have a party with number books, she felt confident enough to poke around at the 5 million trinkets & candies that lined the aisles. When something was just far enough out of her reach due to my cart being in the way, she looked up at me and asked politely "Excuse me, ma'am. Can I go here?". I moved the cart out of her way, in shock I just heard excuse me & ma'am in the same sentence from anyone, much less an unprompted child.

She made her selection of a kit-kat bar and turned to you- "Mommy, can I have candy?". While you did tell her no and remind her she was having cake later, she was just as happy to hear you would let her have one of the peaches you were buying when you got in the car. Within a few minutes the two of you were done checking out and on your way to your party.

I just wanted to let you know how impressed I was with you obvious dedication to being a parent to an amazing child. Despite your weariness, you were warm and generous with your her. She was cared for physically even when it meant skimping on your routine. She was going to have a wonderful day, even if it meant you had an exhausting one. Her manners were impeccable and her lack of even a hint of tantrum was appreciated. Your love for her and care for her well being now and later in life is applauded.

So, stranger, thank you for being the kind of parent I wish all parents were. For you I know it must seem like the status quo, but amongst a sea of unruly, unkempt peers- your child shined bright. Happy (belated) Mothers Day! You deserve to be celebrated!

A fellow Wal-Mart shopper

Friday, May 27, 2011

letter to my dreams

Dear dreams,
I'm a little upset with myself, as I had plans on writing a beautifully crafted masterpiece detailing both my love of how vivid you are and that my hate at how many times I've had deja vu because of you. However, I'm currently writing this from my phone while working another 8- midnight shift, so my focus has shifted to a much darker place. So instead of this being an ode to the intricate thoughts of my subconscious, it shall be statement on my current life circumstances.

So... My dreams.

I'm so sorry that you have been crushed against the harsh realities of this job. I sold my soul to the devil instead of following you and finishing college like regular people. I let the draw of easy money at a young age cloud my judgment and let me forget that nothing lasts forever. Now I am stuck in chicken head central, making pennies compared to what I've become accustomed to, trying to finish school before I jump out the sealed first floor window of my office to a slow death via the sure to follow staph infection I will get from my skinned knee..

Dreams, I love you, but you seem so far away. I'm hanging in there. I know nothing worth having happens overnight & that I'm in this position because I didn't act responsibly with the blessings I was given. I do appreciate the vast shoe collection this job allowed me to amass and that I was able to have enough to the side to last this long. Just don't forsake me, dreams. I'm coming for you. Just hold on a little longer. I promise to not fall victim to the raggedy weaves, missing teeth and slanted, leaning heels of my current predicament. When I finally do get to you, I will hold on for dear life and use you to make even greater dreams. And when I get there and you look at me and say "Now where do we go?", I will smile back and say "All the way to the top, if you aint scared. You just have to trust me baby!"

Love always,

Thursday, May 26, 2011

letter to your sibling (or closest relative)

O & Imp,
As I find it pretty close to impossible to write this to just one of you- congrats, you both win.

First and foremost, thank you both for providing me with each and every single permanent scar on my body. Be it from being used as a guinea pig for stunts, running from black bears or chasing eachother around the house with steak knives, intent of severing a major artery- you two taught me to be quick on my feet and ready to defend myself at all times. Having you (and minimal electronic entertainment) allowed me to develop a very active imagination and dream bigger than the world would allow (we won't tell mom it also allowed for quite a few near ER visits).

Having you through all the things we hated and loved about ossian, st marys, the mustangs & chestnut was honestly the only thing made it ok and funny- even when it wasn't supposed to be.

O- thank you for being the greatest example of a truly good man for your sisters & your sons despite having to figure it out on your own. And thank you for starting the wild animal bucket list. I will finish it if it kills me.
Imp- thank you for growing into an amazing woman with impeccable planning skill despite my horrible example lol. One day I WILL get the hang of extreme couponing & have my own closet full of toilet paper.

I wish we had a closer relationship now, but I love how things pick up and go right back to normal the moment we start talking. I was a little worried I would lose that with you, O, & never get to that point with you, Imp. And I know I bitch about having to be the ONLY one to ever travel...but I get it. It still pisses me off & you better start doing it when I have the same reasons, but I get it lol.

I love you both.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

letter to your parents


there is not a word large enough to describe how much i love you and need you in my life. as the years pass, i realize more and more every day how much of an impact you have had on every aspect of my life. i love art because of you. i dream in color because of you. my dearest friends are in books because of you. i have seen how important living life is because of you. i understand freedom because of you.

you are not just my mother, you are my oldest friend. you gave me the only two people that understand me even when they don't understand my actions in orion and maya. you have supported us in every way we ever needed and in ways that we never knew exisited.

i pray that one day my children will know my love as completely as i know yours.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

letter to my crush

dear crush,
i'm sorry i really don't know who you are at the moment. given that a man with the traits i value is not on the immediate horizon and there doesn't seem to be one with the traits i don't value but a skrong back peeking out either- i guess we will focus this letter to my more abstract crush of the moment.

kelly. freakin. rowland.

do you remember that episode of cheers where woody writes & composes a song for his fiance? (kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly, k-e-l-l-yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy) well that song is all that ran through my head as i saw this vision of amazingness on the billboard awards white carpet. you all know i don't "do" chicks in real life, but i find nothing wrong with appreciating with God puts beautiful on the earth, and that's exactly what she is. skin- flawless, smile- confident, curves- bought or not, very nice, and wearing the HELL out of a herve leger bandage dress. she is giving me ALL my life in this picture. she is giving exactly what i aspire to be able to give more often- self assurance.

kudos, miss rowland. you most certainly are giving me some motivation.

Monday, May 23, 2011

letter to your best friend

dear best friend,

i sat wondering who i would be able to write this to, as i cant really count anyone as my true "best friend". i trust different people for different reasons and i don't value anyone that i call a true friend over another. maybe that's a factor of my lack of trust, but i think its more about utilizing strengths and accepting flaws in the people i love and myself. so, this letter will be to quite a few people. i hope those that it applies to are able to see themselves reflected in it.
you are the only person that knows the things of which i am most ashamed and you have never judged me for it. even when i'm very sure i crossed a line due to my selfish nature and probably made you uncomfortable, if not hurt- you still want the best for me. i wish our relationship was closer day to day like it used to be, but lives are what they are and i am proud of the direction yours has taken- as a parent, a business person and human being.
i thank you for always being the voice of reason and positive reinforcement. i know i must drive you nuts with my random self diagnosis of crazy as well as my ability to be preoccupied with figuring everyone else out but myself. i will cross with you in 2012, i promise for real this time.
and finally, you understand my love of research and how it can be beneficial for everyone. i love you for that. you recognize when i cant and don't chastise or push, then turn around and recognize when i can and push until i realize it too.
you are invaluable to be and i don't know how i could live in this mind without you. thank you for all that you bring to my life.

30 day letter writing challenge

this was sent to me as something to do via tumblr, but since i still haven't bothered to learn how to use mine and this blog just sits here- it'll work.
the point is to write one letter a day for 30 days, each to someone different. while i will include the basics of the "who" i have no plans on naming names (or at least it doesn't seem like it would be a good idea based on some of the assignments. i've posted the schedule below if you plan on doing this with me.

30 Day Letter Challenge.

* Day 1 — Your Best Friend
* Day 2 — Your Crush
* Day 3 — Your parents
* Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
* Day 5 — Your dreams
* Day 6 — A stranger
* Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
* Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
* Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
* Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
* Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
* Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
* Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
* Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
* Day 15 — The person you miss the most
* Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
* Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
* Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
* Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
* Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
* Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
* Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
* Day 23 — The last person you kissed
* Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
* Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
* Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
* Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
* Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
* Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
* Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

silly girl, you are just being sensitive

i do talk alot of mess, but honestly it takes alot to really piss me off. or at least piss me off enough for me to care 10 minutes later. insulting my intelligence because you don't want to admit that you might of crossed a line (or just stop crossing it) is by far the easiest way to really piss me off..

so a long time friend tells me he had a dream about me.

*sigh* really?

i'm not 12, i'm aware that if a man tells a woman they had a dream about them without immediately telling you that you were doing a specific, non-sexual action, it is more than likely an attempt to see how far they can take it. call me oversensitive.. fine. i can only go by what i've experienced.
anyway, i quickly changed that subject and kept on with my day. but this friend wanted to go back to it- now i'm a chicken for not wanting to know.

*sigh* really?

ok, whats it about? "oh, i have to tell you via another communication because its private". ok. private aka inappropriate and we can end the convo because i dont want to know something like that from a friend. friend i've never had any sort of sexual relationship, tension or even overture with or from. a friend who is married. even more, a friend i see almost daily and just dont want that discomfort with. this response makes me sensitive. he was "just playing" and theres no need for me to take offense.

*sigh* really?

alright, one mo gin... my bad, whats the dream about? can you check your fb private messages?

hell no. fuck that, i'll be sensitive for no reason and you'll be an asshole for no reason. cool?

lets move on now..

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

would it have changed anything?

I just finished watching 'Frankie and Alice' with Halle Berry. While I don't think its getting nominated for any awards anytime soon, it was pretty good and got me to thinking- how would my life be different if mental health was a priority, even an after thought, to members of my family- how would my life be different? Or would it have even mattered?

Being that this is me we're talking about, that thought lead to a multitude of other conversations from the last few days and of times past. Oprahs long lost sister & the dirty little secrets of her family. The family secrets of a person I follow on twitter. Conversations with my mother directly following my fathers departure from my life. And most notably, a conversation with my father a few years before said departure.

I have no idea how old I was exactly, but my guess is around 10. He was in college and I was reading/ summerizing his assignment out loud to him- ALice Walkers 'The Color Purple'. At the time, I took his insistance I read to him as a praise (damn, I'm THAT good of a storyteller!) and a curse (damn- AGAIN? I've got nintendo to play!). But he was still my world, regardless of fault, and I hadn't yet picked up on his refusal to admit to what I gather to be a learning disorder or just basic literacy. Moving on, we were at the part where Mister was tearing apart the kitchen and he stopped me. 'Do you think he's crazy? Or is he just smarter than everyone around him?'. A curious question, as I said (to myself): 'He's not crazy, he's just an asshole." Of course, the child in me, just shrugged and said 'I don't know." He gave me the same blank stare that I have also become known for, waiting for me to speak up and form an optinion, then stopped, exhaled and told me 'Truth is whatever you want it to be. You can convince anyone in this world or anything you want if you just stick to the story." I felt my very first eyebrow raise right at that moment- 'That's lying." He continued, 'No, its being smarter than the person you are talking to. No one can tell you that you're crazy, no one can tell you that you need medication to be less like you. No one can make you feel stupid or wrong. No one can lock you up. You have to be smart enough to stick to your story until everyone else believes it.'
"That's still lying."
"Not if it becomes the truth to them."

The silence couldn't have been more than a few seconds, but to me it felt like forever. That's when I first realized he was the worst kind of crazy- the kind you trust. I'm sure it didn't click all into place then, but I knew he was off. That's when I learned what the look for when a manic episode was coming. That's when I first started to seperate 'Warren' from my daddy. That's when I stopped believing in the truth of people and started to watch for what they wanted me to think was the truth.

A few years later, the time would come when I would have to seperate the idea of 'daddy' from this man entirely, but that's a different story for a different day. Today, that moment made me wonder about everything that came after that. What if he hadn't been so busy trying to outsmart court orders and find ways around medications? Would I have ever learned the depth of evil that lies in some people? Would I be as wary of people in general? Would I have spent so long playing detective with men, trying to get to the real truth- just to say I did get past what they wanted me to think? Or would I be the same? Leary just because its my personality, researching topics at random just because I like finding out more? Who knows....

For now, the only answer I have is that I'm glad that I took from that a need to dig deeper with all people, places and things, rather than a need to swirl stories to prove my superiority.

But I do still wonder, what if more people embraced that they needed mental help?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

when what you want, what you need & what you know clash

I want something.

At this point I don't know why exactly. The fact that I am conflicted at all gives me pause- maybe that's logic, maybe that's because the feelings are still there.

I'm not someone that's good in operating in 'maybes'. I detest when people give them to me and when that's the only answer I can give myself-thats the point where I drive myself crazy.

Maybe its about 'winning' something.
Maybe its about an immediate need & it will pass.
Maybe its about feelings that never went away because they weren't supposed to.
Maybe its about feelings that never went away because I chose to not deal with them fully- but damn it, I thought I did that!
Maybe its about looking stupid.
Maybe its about being more comfortable with the risk I know than taking a chance on a risk I don't.
Maybe its about not caring what I look like as long as I look happy.
Maybe I'm a fool for even opening the door.
Maybe I just want to trust my heart for once in my life, instead of constantly questioning motives I can't control.
Maybe I should rely on the good sense God gave a fly and run screaming.
Maybe its simply too soon to ask these questions.
Maybe if I do it, I open myself up to something that has the capability of destroying what little faith I have left in others and myself.
Maybe I should just shut up.

That's a lot of fucking maybes.
Have I told you I hate maybes?