Monday, September 27, 2010

the wind has been knocked out of me

Typically, I'm not the easiest person to rile. Little stupid things may irk my nerves or cause an eye roll with relative ease- but truly getting to me always has been a pretty difficult task. The exception to this is when my heart is invested, when most would agree the rules go out the window a lot of the time.

Today was no execption.

Over the last couple years its been a running joke that I'm the perfect remedy to a man that wont grow up. Want him to find religion? Let him date me. Mothers looking to marry their sons off? Let him date me. In need of a grandchild? Again, just let him date me. While I wont be next to him in church/ mosque/ synagogue or your daughter in law or mother of your grandchild- I will definitely be the catalyst for him to do some combination of these things with the very next woman he meets in six months or less. This is my talent apparently. And it was funny as a joke amongst friends, kinda. We'll say mostly, though it stung a little. Overall, I was ok. It just wasn't my turn and no one that fit into this formula was someone that would have been right for me anyway.

Until today.

Not the first man to hurt me- but the first one to actually break my heart. The first one I believed in wholly and without question, even as everyone around me seemed to cringe. I know I knew better, and I know I've loved in some form or another before. But this one... this one I loved on a level that even I didn't wholly understand. I could actually picture old age with him- something I had never experienced before or since. I let go of deal breakers and accepted him for who he was, what came with it and what came during our relationship and is still with me to this day. But it wasn't enough- and he now holds the distinction of the only one that was able to make me lose my breath when the end came.

I'm sure that experience has a lot to do with why my steps are still shaky to this day, but I was really sure that there was nothing else that could come to pass and affect me for more than just a fleeting moment. I can see him out and about and not give it anymore energy than a wave and a nod. I can hear the "did you know...." gossip that's ever present in a small city with no more than a shrug.

But now he's engaged.

And I can't breath again.

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