Monday, September 27, 2010

the wind has been knocked out of me

Typically, I'm not the easiest person to rile. Little stupid things may irk my nerves or cause an eye roll with relative ease- but truly getting to me always has been a pretty difficult task. The exception to this is when my heart is invested, when most would agree the rules go out the window a lot of the time.

Today was no execption.

Over the last couple years its been a running joke that I'm the perfect remedy to a man that wont grow up. Want him to find religion? Let him date me. Mothers looking to marry their sons off? Let him date me. In need of a grandchild? Again, just let him date me. While I wont be next to him in church/ mosque/ synagogue or your daughter in law or mother of your grandchild- I will definitely be the catalyst for him to do some combination of these things with the very next woman he meets in six months or less. This is my talent apparently. And it was funny as a joke amongst friends, kinda. We'll say mostly, though it stung a little. Overall, I was ok. It just wasn't my turn and no one that fit into this formula was someone that would have been right for me anyway.

Until today.

Not the first man to hurt me- but the first one to actually break my heart. The first one I believed in wholly and without question, even as everyone around me seemed to cringe. I know I knew better, and I know I've loved in some form or another before. But this one... this one I loved on a level that even I didn't wholly understand. I could actually picture old age with him- something I had never experienced before or since. I let go of deal breakers and accepted him for who he was, what came with it and what came during our relationship and is still with me to this day. But it wasn't enough- and he now holds the distinction of the only one that was able to make me lose my breath when the end came.

I'm sure that experience has a lot to do with why my steps are still shaky to this day, but I was really sure that there was nothing else that could come to pass and affect me for more than just a fleeting moment. I can see him out and about and not give it anymore energy than a wave and a nod. I can hear the "did you know...." gossip that's ever present in a small city with no more than a shrug.

But now he's engaged.

And I can't breath again.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

never expect something you don't have the courage to ask for

i've never been the type to talk myself into a revelation or suddenly find clarity in obsessing over an issue. those types of activities tend to leave me more pissed off than when i started. usually, if i want to work something out i have to set it down, walk away and one day in the not so distant future, my mind will wander to a conclusion. why am i surprised every time this happens, i don't know. but the process works, so i guess i'll keep flowing with it lol.

today is one of those days. zoning out playing bejeweled blitz for no other reason that i don't feel like doing the dishes i was too lazy to wash last night, my mind started to wander to feelings i've been holding in for a few weeks- but that i've felt for a while regarding some friends of mine. the short version is that i felt like our friendships were becoming a little one sided. i didn't always hit every mark as a friend, but i tried. i always had to make the effort to go see them, to call, to IM, etc. except in circumstances where something was needed, then i was on speed dial. for their birthdays/ celebrations/ get togethers i was there 99% of the time, dish to pass, bottle or card in hand. but for mine, if i did see them, it was a hassle. i was cutting into their time to do something else.

and for some reason, i kept my mouth shut about feeling slighted for years. maybe it was that it was common knowledge that i spent some of that time battling depression and didn't answer the phone or come out much at all that left them with the "let her come to us when she's ready" outlook. maybe it was that there was a few years i didn't want to celebrate my birthday, they thought that was a permanent thing. maybe life just got in the way and kids, family, jobs, etc happen. maybe it was that i really wasn't that valued as a friend.

its not my place to say what the reason was, nor does it much matter. today i realized the number one reason why i felt that way had nothing to do with them or what they were/ weren't doing. they didn't do what i expected them to do because i never had the courage to say that was what i expected. i'm the first to say "don't worry about it" or brush off that something IS a big deal to me if i can see its not something that can, will or has want to be done. i give because i want to, because i enjoy doing what i can for my friends. how can i hold someone else responsible what i choose to do? i have the option of saying no, but lack the fortitude to deal with disappointing someone i care about. after all, its important to them- right?

reading this one would think that i am in the habit of keeping succubus types around for my health lol. not the case at all. these people are counted among those who i care about most in life and we have shared and done for one another quite a bit over the years. but just as with anyone you love, no random person is capable of making you feel worse than those that are closest to you. it wouldn't much matter if this was a total stranger or even an acquaintance- those types of situations are easy to walk away from. amazing how we easy it is to let a stranger know what we expect and correct at the simplest sign of deviation... but a friend becomes that gray area filled with "maybe they'll get it


no, maybe i was wrong to never tell them.