Saturday, June 12, 2010

You are a whore. Do the math.

As I sit here on an amazingly wild and crazy Friday night with my watermelon fizz and Sex and the City DVDs, I realize that the lovely women of one of my favorite shows are certified whores. Or at least they would be in real life. But on TV- they are normal.

Now we all know Samantha was the whore of the group. Over the shows six season run, she bedded 94 men. Well, actually 93 in five seasons considering that season six was for Smith Jerrod. That’s 18.6 a year or a new penis and a half every month. Considering I have known more than a handful of women who go to the club one to two times a week and meet someone new on at least half of their excursions and sleep with maybe half of those men, Samantha is on par with you everyday run of the mill club rat. Over the course of just this woman’s twenties, she will have bedded 186 men. Well, no wonder people think everyone cheats. While the club rat isn’t most men’s ideal exclusive partner, there seems to be no shortage of men that will sleep with them- in more instances than most would admit that does not include a condom and in some cases they even give out a few gifts, groceries or utilities payments. How turned off by the club rat can men be?

Then we have the “good” girl, Charlotte. She is the marrying type, the one who obsesses over the dating rules and following the Miss Manners mode of sexual operation. We will give her four seasons as she was married for two of them. She slept with 18 men (the same as Carrie, who also spent at least two seasons involved- probably more). That’s four and a half a year (or a new penis less than every three months). With that average, she would have slept with 54 men in just her twenties. And this is a good one?

The single, shining beacon of hope? Miranda, whose lowly 17 partners would seem to make her the good one. There is one problem, she was with Steve for the better part of three of those seasons, so her average is five per year or a new one every two plus months. Add to this, Miranda’s sex number is the only one we actually know -42. Being that the average age in America to lose ones virginity is 16-17 and she is 34 when we learn this information, Miranda successfully bounced on 2.4 new penises a year. So I guess those three seasons were just really busy for her and she did her whoring in her thirties instead of her early twenties/college years like the rest of us. But what do I know?

I think I have confused myself with all this, so I’m willing to bet you are as well. Let’s go ahead and add the final wrinkle anyway- that Sex and the City only covers four months of a year in any given season. As we learned from Miranda, numbers can be skewed, however in Samantha’s case I think we can stick to the formula. This leaves her with a 55.8 man a year average. Well hot damn, misshapen pussy walls for everyone!

I do realize this is just a TV show and of course things are turned up more than a few notches for dramatic effect. Real life must be much, much slower- right? Apparently, the government thinks so as research shows a woman’s average number of sexual partners is four. (don’t worry guys, you get seven.) Excuse me? FOUR? My most extra virginal, pure as the driven snow friend is holding at four right now. She is under thirty and just broke up with number four. That’s it, she’s done? For life? El Fin? I have friend couples in the late twenty/ early thirties who have been married over ten years each- every single of them is past four- sadly some of them in just the time since they had been married.

Do I just have whore friends, myself included? Or can we venture to guess the government just might be *gasp* wrong? So I ask you, how many is too many? No, I am I not asking how many you have had- nor will I answer- just how many you think is too many for everyone else, considering the math.

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