Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Relationships would have been much easier if we had common sense at twenty…

~You are supposed to be single- you’re twenty. Learn how to deal with and love it. Ninety nine percent of the men you date are supposed to be a one or two date thing. If every date turns into sex, a friends with benefits situation, or a relationship you are doing something wrong. Be selective; take the time to make sure you accomplish your goals so you are the catch, not the option. You have to learn you before you can learn anyone else.

~It’s so much easier to catch a man with ho shit. Like, infinitely easier. Too bad easy is the only word that describe everything about that situation- including you. Not much needs to be said about this, except if you want a long term interaction- have a long term introduction.

~You can’t save a bum or change a workaholic.
(Same goes for unstable, crazy, thugs, spineless, et al) What more can I really say about this? He won’t wake up one day and suddenly realize the need for balance. Nothing you say or do will bring him to a middle ground. That’s purely his decision and if it’s not working for you, then waiting for that breakthrough is only succeeding in making you older.

~If there is a problem- it is always you, not them.
It may be a result of their actions or lack there of, but ultimately the problem is yours to deal with. However you choose to solve it- you can only take responsibility for yourself. Your choice in partner. Your choice in accepting certain behavior. Your choice in attitude, outlook, and coping mechanisms. Be accountable for both the positive and the negative in life- this includes yourself.

~You can be wrong. It’s allowed.
What isn’t is not accepting it, making the necessary apologies and actually attempting to change the behavior. None of us are perfect and refusing to change for the better is hurting you more than him in the end. He’ll find someone that doesn’t do that and you will do it to the next one. This also applies to the wrong choice in partner. If it’s not for you- leave.

~You are a woman. You aren’t supposed to do what men do.
Well you can, but how does it benefit you to be mannish? It can be fun, cute or useful for a little while. It is stupid that men can get away with things we can’t, but we have our own set of special powers as well. When is the last time your boyfriend batted his eyes and poked out his breasts to get out of a ticket? Looked at you to open his door? Also on the plus side, you will never have balls. Take the advantages of being a woman and enjoy them.

~He’s a man. Let him be.
Nagging, chastising, screaming and ridicule accomplish nothing. You don’t have to be the mute Stepford Wife, but you do need to learn how to shut up and let him figure it out sometimes. Mastering the art of subtle suggestion is much more effective tool here. The only warning- make sure he is capable of being a man before you give him that type of role in your life. He needs to be able to steer the ship to deserve your submission. (P.S. Submission is not a bad thing- blind obedience is. We all have our roles; they are equally important and require the control of both parties.)

~Faking an orgasm is a huge waste of time. This practice really serves no benefit to anyone involved. He’s going to think that horrible use of his two front teeth is cool, that jack rabbit sex is what’s hot or those three minutes of flaccid pumps are an Olympic performance and more than likely get his feelings (or his forehead) seriously injured when someone down the line blurts out what you couldn't bring yourself to say. You will take just that much longer to learn what it actually takes to have a real orgasm- and lets face it, at twenty (shoot, for some it’s thirty or forty) most of us didn’t know what a bonafide orgasm was anyway. Adding insult to (possible) injury, there is nothing worse for either party for him to pull the “I had you screaming though.” card in a fight only for you to pick that time to tell him he’s horrible in bed. He won’t believe you at that point anyway.

~Like it or not, eventually marriage is necessary.
It may not be suitable for everyone, but if you want someone there when you are eighty, playing house isn’t the way to go about it. While it is true that marriage has lost some of its sacredness and it no longer means a guarantee, it still carries a much deeper commitment to actually working problems out and thinking about the union before giving into desires that serve only one of the two than a one year apartment lease.

~Blowjobs. Yes! You have to do that. And honestly, I hope you enjoy doing it. If you don’t, look at it as reparations for him dealing with your PMS. We all make sacrifices and while I hope you don’t make a martyr of yourself with this one, if that’s what it takes to get you to feign excitement then so be it. Bonus: Get you some head too!n'

1 comment: