Saturday, June 12, 2010

You are a whore. Do the math.

As I sit here on an amazingly wild and crazy Friday night with my watermelon fizz and Sex and the City DVDs, I realize that the lovely women of one of my favorite shows are certified whores. Or at least they would be in real life. But on TV- they are normal.

Now we all know Samantha was the whore of the group. Over the shows six season run, she bedded 94 men. Well, actually 93 in five seasons considering that season six was for Smith Jerrod. That’s 18.6 a year or a new penis and a half every month. Considering I have known more than a handful of women who go to the club one to two times a week and meet someone new on at least half of their excursions and sleep with maybe half of those men, Samantha is on par with you everyday run of the mill club rat. Over the course of just this woman’s twenties, she will have bedded 186 men. Well, no wonder people think everyone cheats. While the club rat isn’t most men’s ideal exclusive partner, there seems to be no shortage of men that will sleep with them- in more instances than most would admit that does not include a condom and in some cases they even give out a few gifts, groceries or utilities payments. How turned off by the club rat can men be?

Then we have the “good” girl, Charlotte. She is the marrying type, the one who obsesses over the dating rules and following the Miss Manners mode of sexual operation. We will give her four seasons as she was married for two of them. She slept with 18 men (the same as Carrie, who also spent at least two seasons involved- probably more). That’s four and a half a year (or a new penis less than every three months). With that average, she would have slept with 54 men in just her twenties. And this is a good one?

The single, shining beacon of hope? Miranda, whose lowly 17 partners would seem to make her the good one. There is one problem, she was with Steve for the better part of three of those seasons, so her average is five per year or a new one every two plus months. Add to this, Miranda’s sex number is the only one we actually know -42. Being that the average age in America to lose ones virginity is 16-17 and she is 34 when we learn this information, Miranda successfully bounced on 2.4 new penises a year. So I guess those three seasons were just really busy for her and she did her whoring in her thirties instead of her early twenties/college years like the rest of us. But what do I know?

I think I have confused myself with all this, so I’m willing to bet you are as well. Let’s go ahead and add the final wrinkle anyway- that Sex and the City only covers four months of a year in any given season. As we learned from Miranda, numbers can be skewed, however in Samantha’s case I think we can stick to the formula. This leaves her with a 55.8 man a year average. Well hot damn, misshapen pussy walls for everyone!

I do realize this is just a TV show and of course things are turned up more than a few notches for dramatic effect. Real life must be much, much slower- right? Apparently, the government thinks so as research shows a woman’s average number of sexual partners is four. (don’t worry guys, you get seven.) Excuse me? FOUR? My most extra virginal, pure as the driven snow friend is holding at four right now. She is under thirty and just broke up with number four. That’s it, she’s done? For life? El Fin? I have friend couples in the late twenty/ early thirties who have been married over ten years each- every single of them is past four- sadly some of them in just the time since they had been married.

Do I just have whore friends, myself included? Or can we venture to guess the government just might be *gasp* wrong? So I ask you, how many is too many? No, I am I not asking how many you have had- nor will I answer- just how many you think is too many for everyone else, considering the math.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Relationships would have been much easier if we had common sense at twenty…

~You are supposed to be single- you’re twenty. Learn how to deal with and love it. Ninety nine percent of the men you date are supposed to be a one or two date thing. If every date turns into sex, a friends with benefits situation, or a relationship you are doing something wrong. Be selective; take the time to make sure you accomplish your goals so you are the catch, not the option. You have to learn you before you can learn anyone else.

~It’s so much easier to catch a man with ho shit. Like, infinitely easier. Too bad easy is the only word that describe everything about that situation- including you. Not much needs to be said about this, except if you want a long term interaction- have a long term introduction.

~You can’t save a bum or change a workaholic.
(Same goes for unstable, crazy, thugs, spineless, et al) What more can I really say about this? He won’t wake up one day and suddenly realize the need for balance. Nothing you say or do will bring him to a middle ground. That’s purely his decision and if it’s not working for you, then waiting for that breakthrough is only succeeding in making you older.

~If there is a problem- it is always you, not them.
It may be a result of their actions or lack there of, but ultimately the problem is yours to deal with. However you choose to solve it- you can only take responsibility for yourself. Your choice in partner. Your choice in accepting certain behavior. Your choice in attitude, outlook, and coping mechanisms. Be accountable for both the positive and the negative in life- this includes yourself.

~You can be wrong. It’s allowed.
What isn’t is not accepting it, making the necessary apologies and actually attempting to change the behavior. None of us are perfect and refusing to change for the better is hurting you more than him in the end. He’ll find someone that doesn’t do that and you will do it to the next one. This also applies to the wrong choice in partner. If it’s not for you- leave.

~You are a woman. You aren’t supposed to do what men do.
Well you can, but how does it benefit you to be mannish? It can be fun, cute or useful for a little while. It is stupid that men can get away with things we can’t, but we have our own set of special powers as well. When is the last time your boyfriend batted his eyes and poked out his breasts to get out of a ticket? Looked at you to open his door? Also on the plus side, you will never have balls. Take the advantages of being a woman and enjoy them.

~He’s a man. Let him be.
Nagging, chastising, screaming and ridicule accomplish nothing. You don’t have to be the mute Stepford Wife, but you do need to learn how to shut up and let him figure it out sometimes. Mastering the art of subtle suggestion is much more effective tool here. The only warning- make sure he is capable of being a man before you give him that type of role in your life. He needs to be able to steer the ship to deserve your submission. (P.S. Submission is not a bad thing- blind obedience is. We all have our roles; they are equally important and require the control of both parties.)

~Faking an orgasm is a huge waste of time. This practice really serves no benefit to anyone involved. He’s going to think that horrible use of his two front teeth is cool, that jack rabbit sex is what’s hot or those three minutes of flaccid pumps are an Olympic performance and more than likely get his feelings (or his forehead) seriously injured when someone down the line blurts out what you couldn't bring yourself to say. You will take just that much longer to learn what it actually takes to have a real orgasm- and lets face it, at twenty (shoot, for some it’s thirty or forty) most of us didn’t know what a bonafide orgasm was anyway. Adding insult to (possible) injury, there is nothing worse for either party for him to pull the “I had you screaming though.” card in a fight only for you to pick that time to tell him he’s horrible in bed. He won’t believe you at that point anyway.

~Like it or not, eventually marriage is necessary.
It may not be suitable for everyone, but if you want someone there when you are eighty, playing house isn’t the way to go about it. While it is true that marriage has lost some of its sacredness and it no longer means a guarantee, it still carries a much deeper commitment to actually working problems out and thinking about the union before giving into desires that serve only one of the two than a one year apartment lease.

~Blowjobs. Yes! You have to do that. And honestly, I hope you enjoy doing it. If you don’t, look at it as reparations for him dealing with your PMS. We all make sacrifices and while I hope you don’t make a martyr of yourself with this one, if that’s what it takes to get you to feign excitement then so be it. Bonus: Get you some head too!n'