Friday, October 31, 2008

that chick you want, but not THE chick you need

ok, so i'm sitting here listening to some random chill out playlist as i do my myspace thing.. and of course, i'm supposed to be asleep- so my brain wont turn off. lucky you to get the overflow lol


first song... "shes not you" raheem devaughn


*sigh* wow.. where do i start with my thoughts tonight..all about how even though he may cheat, may get numbers, may even have whole other relationships .. none of them are this one chick (that we will assume he loves). i'm not even going to get into the cheating aspect of it because i'm far to tired to go there lol.. just the 'shes not you' part of it. and you know what? i'm tired of being 'she'. (not the other woman.. read on)


let me clarify, i'm always A find...
you dont have kids? umm.. no
you have a job? umm.. duh
you stay by yourself? umm.. yeah
you have friends, your own life and can occupy your own time? umm... seriously?
you actually can hold a conversation, make sense and give input on my bullshit? umm.. dont make me slap you- yes!
this list goes on, but i'm going to digress here...

so yeah, i'm A find, but i'm not THE find.
*confused*

now i will take responsiblity for some bad choices as far as men in my life are concerned.. but seriously, now i'm just frustrated. how can i be so wonderful, if i'm never THE one? and whats even more fucked up.. i'm usually the one the leads a mf to find THE one .. i'm not even going to go there, because some of the very ones i'm talking about finding their girl through me read these.. but i'm starting to get a damn complex.

i'm tired of being what you want. i'm tired of being THAT chick that makes you go "damn". THAT chick that makes you comfortable enough to think i will always be here in your corner. your cheerleader. your counselor. your job coach. your sounding board. your 'safe' spot. the one that requires you to grow up enough to be ready for a relationship with the NEXT one. eventually, i would like to be THE chick that you NEED.

second song.. "butterflies" also raheem.. well damn.. yeah.. one day lol

third song... "why does she stay" ne-yo.
yeah, maybe i shouldnt go there either lol. Lord knows sometimes i still question myself on why i stayed in alot of things. waiting, i guess. definitely in vain. funny thing about this song is a guy once told me part of this song line by line (years ago). sick. my question still is: if you are so unworthy of her, and she is asking so little, what is so hard about stepping up? its not rocket science. the girl straight said she just wanted you to call. in short, you aint shit and not only do you know it- you are content to stay that way LOL... sick part II.

last, as i need to go to damn sleep.. "thats the way love goes" the one and only janet
*exhale one mo gin*
moth. flame. yeah...isnt it though? isnt it always that there is that one thing that becomes the deal breaker? something you want to stangle him on? something she needs that you refuse to accept? some hurdle that neither one of you care to break down? its always something.. well.. until you find THE one... so i'm still screwed i guess lol.

ok, ok.. one more.. its short i promise...."in love with another man" jazmine sullivan
damn love. he wasnt shit and i should have realized that sooner and stayed in cali...but no..i opened up a long line of sub par BS. none of which ever added up to me being treated with the level of respect, caring, concern and love that you showed me was possible in a relationship. thank you for the prototype..eventually, i WILL find the real world application and THIS time.. i will be wise enough to hold on.

ok world... let me carry it off to dream land...thanks for sticking with me through some rambling ... i know i bounce alot... if you think i'm talking about you, yeah i probably am. if you think you can relate, yeah i probably thought you could to. if you are just reading because you think i'm a hot mess, yeah... i probably am.

ok ok.. replace all those probably's with "you mf-ing right".

~j

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