Thursday, November 19, 2009

thank you Miss Jackson

I watched the Janet Jackson interview tonight with tears in my eyes. As I’m sure is the case with many of you, I tuned in to hear how the sibling who seemed to be closest to Michael was reacting to his death. It sickens me a little inside to know that seeing someone else’s pain at such a loss intrigues me so, as if that were my brother I don’t think I would give that to even my closest friends – let alone the world. But regardless, that’s why I came home to watch. What I was not expecting was for the most poignant part of the hour for me to have nothing at all to do with the loss of the only celebrity I ever became captivated by, but with the personal struggles of a woman that I grew up wanting to be.

As a kid, Janet was “it” for me. I wasn’t exposed to a whole lot of popular culture- but anything Jackson related was on the approved list in my household. She was everything I wanted to be on the outside- beautiful, talented, successful and expressive. And at ten years old, what more is there really to care about? My attempts to emulate her started with learning every step in any video off the Rhythm Nation 1814 album with my brother. Then onto letting a friend weave what felt like about twenty pounds of Korean corner store hair into my head for those Poetic Justice dookie braids while I was in LA one summer- despite my very hate/ hate relationship with the reality of weave- and right onto working out daily to get her abs from the Again album. (To my dismay, I maxed out at 4.) The last of my “be like Janet” years was with the Velvet Rope album when I was sure that opening the doors to my sexual side was what would bring me out of what was going on in my head at the time. All things I look back on and say to myself “Really? What were you thinking?” But hey, we were all young and dumb at some point; you know you had your moments too. And as I reflect more on those memories, each one lines up with some of the most painful experiences of my childhood - the moments when I had to grow up much too fast. The moments when I needed to emulate what I thought was perfect in her because I thought that being perfect was the only way to hide what was really going on.

While it came as no surprise that Janet has her own hang ups, what brought me to the point was listening to her verbalize hating what she saw in the mirror and not understanding how the worlds view of her was so very different from her own. Not being able to see the beauty in her smile or being so scared to share the talents that the world was waiting to see that she freezes up when people look at her too closely. These are all things that seem obvious when you think of her and her shyness, but points that I never really internalized until tonight. Hearing this, as I thought back on the times I wanted to just escape and be her, it hit me just how much I used her to cover the things that I never wanted the world to know where imperfect about me.

How I didn’t just decide to learn the Rhythm Nation dances because it was cool, but because my father wanted me to be a dancer and when you spend weeks in a safe house because of his rage, you will find any way you can think of to please him just to be able to go outside again.

How I hated every minute of getting those damn braids, and even more- that cheap plastic hair poking me in scalp, but when you get to Inglewood and don’t know what Soul Train is, you think you have to do something to fit in and prove you really are half black and not just a white girl with a tan and hips.

How I loved soccer, but making my private goal to have my ribs showing was much less about excelling at the sport or being in shape and more about not being the only one of my friends above a size six and the fact that my prom dress that year was a seven and I was mortified to be in pictures with them. (Oh the irony of still having that same problem to this very day, but looking at that size seven dress with envy instead of disdain.)

How that ‘sexual awakening’ was essentially a bullshit excuse to justify that my self worth had become so tied to affirmation from others that I cheapened myself just to get that fix, walked into situations I should count myself lucky to walk out of and ultimately left home entirely too early to be adequately prepared for the world because the physical affirmations I was getting there were preceded with insults instead of shopping trips and cars.

And yet, after years of going the opposite direction and completely rebelling against needing the acceptance of anyone for anything that I do, I still haven’t been able to totally let go of the need for it in order to feel validated. I still hate looking in mirrors. I still am too scared of people looking at me to share my talents. I still fear letting anyone see the most imperfect parts of me. So why write about all the things I never wanted anyone to know? Because I don’t want to wait until I’m forty to look in the mirror and think my smile is beautiful.


Thank you, Miss Jackson, for the one action I refuse to emulate.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

writers block

you have no idea how badly i need to get something out tonight. anything. no particular reason, i just feel backed up and i cant start it off.. you know when things just sound cliched and cheesy? that's why i don't write happy or otherwise good feeling poetry, so much easier when you are ranting, it just flows. but tonight, i'm not in the mood to rant.

so.... i haiku. why? i dont freaking know! i'm just .. stuck! lol

they dont flow together, they arent supposed to...

Too cold to sleep.
In need of a nice hard dick.
No options present. SHIT!


Need to write tonight.
Get a few things off my mind.
Can’t start a story line.


My toes hate the cold
Wooly socks make me feel old
Don’t care if I’m square


Dark paths lead to risk
Shadows lurking hold secrets
Neither will tell of.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

silence

The silence is the time when I am most troubled
Something about there being no sounds
Nothing to focus your mind on when it begins to drown
And thoughts are the only thing that is left to hold.
The placidity of silence is when the evil that lurks becomes apparent
And all the demons that go bump in the night play,
Too many people to see their agenda in the light day
Guards placed to high to keep prying eyes ever distant.
Everyone knows its most quiet before the storm
And when the silence comes, I remember what was
How I learned to see true thoughts despite what one says or does
When the silence lets people feel free of the need to conform.
The animals take refuge knowing the wicked that this way creeps
Even the trees hold still their branches, under its spell
Calm so thick even your heartbeat quells
When the silence is thick enough to wake you from your sleep
And the façade of strength you can no longer keep.
The silence is the time when I am most troubled.
When my memories come to life
And the ache seems to double
The silence is the time when I am most troubled.


©2009 jasmîne gabrielle

Friday, September 4, 2009

guilty until proven innocent

Tell me where did you go when you left the club last night
What streets did you travel? Where did you sleep?
Were you telling the truth when you said it was just your boys with you?
All these questions, never to be asked or answered
I don’t have to, because I can just follow you if I don’t think you’re true
Guilty until proven innocent- just like every other cheating bastard

Tell me who did you call in the wee hours of the morning
What is she to you? Does she know you intimately?
Are you telling the truth when you say that’s your cousin
All these questions, never to be asked or answered
I don’t have to; I have your online bill login
Guilty until proven innocent- and I have your voicemail password

Tell me why doe your clothes smell of Paris Hilton perfume?
Is that what she smells like? Does she work it better than me?
Is it true that my cousin saw you bring her flowers at her job yesterday?
All these question, never asked or answered
I don’t have to; I have spies in every company –all I have to say
Guilty until proven innocent, they can get any information if I just say the word

Tell me what your plans are for the future- for you and me
Do you love me? Is this going somewhere?
Is it true that you are faithful and will be there forever and always?
All these questions never asked or answered
I don’t have to; I have bleach for your clothes when I can’t keep my jealousy at bay
Guilty until proven innocent, I’ll just stab you and plead insanity- yes, that’s my word.

Tell me are you going to take me home tonight and never call
Was it love at first sight? Am I just your jump off?
Is it true that men won’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for free?
All these questions, never to be asked or answered
I don’t have to, I’ll just call your girl when I find out I’m part of a party of three
Guilty until proven innocent, I operate in spite when perturbed.

Tell me will you act right after I bust the windows out your car?
Never hit back when I slap you? Jimmy the locks when I change them?
Is it true you’ll still love me after I curse your mama out and your girl cousins jump me?
All these questions, never to be asked or answered
I don’t have to, I’ll slice your leather seats, then wait and see
Guilty until proven innocent, I have the Dr. Jekyll/ms Hyde game mastered.

Tell me, will you still love me when I tell you to walk away
Understand I mean hold me? Promise to never let me go
Is it true you can understand me enough to love me until I let go of my issues
All these questions, never asked or answered
I don’t have to, I’m too scared of the answer, scared I will miss you
Guilty until proven innocent, so afraid to let go- not realizing I’m making you leave faster.


The “I” in this piece is figurative. Please don’t ask me tomorrow who I stabbed- I never have been violent with anyone lol. I can tell you that everything in this piece has happened and involved a friend, a friend’s cousin, a relative’s baby mama- someone I know. Why did I write this? Well, I was asked recently “What happened that makes you so scared to date me?” and I had to really think about it… the only answer I can come to is that I’m not over things that have happened in past relationships & I am terrified that the next time I wont take the high road, I wont act like a lady. I have watched women hold in their pain for so long and then let it out in the craziest ways that I want to make sure I’m securely in the ‘over it’ column before I attempt anything new.
In short, this is my warning, if you will, to the men I know… the line between love and hate IS thinner than you realize. And while that doesn’t give women license to go buck- you do need to understand when a woman tells you she needs time – there is a reason; and when she tells you she’s had enough- there is a storm brewing. Like I said- everything in here is true and that woman you thought was so sweet knows 100 times more than you give her credit for even if she has never asked you for the information.


© jasmîne gabrielle

i saw God today

I saw God today
He showed me I wasn’t without flaw
For I was too prideful to look in the mirror and be honest with what I saw
I saw God today
He made me know what it is to be of the earth
For I was too insolent to see I could return to just a notion as I was before my birth
I saw God today
He taught me what it is to be a mortal being
For I was unable to comprehend that both my joys and pains would be fleeting
I saw God today
He fixed what I was unable to mend
For I was to inexperienced to make the world shift and bend
I saw God today
He took my hand and made it his own
For I was too weak to hold myself up alone
I saw God today
He healed all that ailed my human form
For I was too desolate to see the light after the storm
I saw God today
He gave me hope when I thought it was lost
For I was too broken too offer my heart to cover my costs
I saw God today
He brought me though my deepest sorrow
For I was too low to believe in what He had planned for me tomorrow
I saw God today
He nestled me in his arms until I feared no longer
For all that I ever needed, He was equipped to offer.
I saw God today.


© 2009 jasmine gabrielle

i love who i love

There is nothing in my power I would deny you
And that which is just past my grasp, I will aspire to
I don’t need a list- just a passing mention, a subtle clue
It’s in my nature to help, to assist to make right
It makes me happy to that shoulder to lean on when you can no longer fight.
To remind you that the brightest days only come after the darkest nights
I do what I do because I love who I love

I have run myself to the ends of my earth for your needs time after time
Giving you comfort, even when it meant sacrificing mine
And if given the choice to do again, time I would not rewind
It fills me with delight to see the chain reaction
How my choice may fill others with action
That my love will inspire others to continue passing
I do what I do because I love who I love

My love for you has shown my that true generosity is never left unseen
In fact, for many it becomes expected- part of their routine
And that’s when I question the purity in motive and what your love for me really means
I share my blessings because I know you would do the same
But when I looked to you, the support never came
Confused, I wondered are you unable, unwilling or is my trust in you insane?
I do what I do because I love who I love

Am I asking too much to be thought about in kind
For the thoughts of aid to be not only mine
For a mutual want of the others success to be a tie that binds
Or should I just accept that not everyone is capable of extending a hand
That some connections are meant to blow away like grains of sand
But I refuse to give up, this is what makes me stronger, solidifies where is stand
I do what I do because I love who I love


© 2009 jasmine gabrielle

teacher friend mother

How do you define a teacher?
A lover of life with a need to show
To teach many things they never knew they wanted to know
One who gains expansion of self by helping others grow
Someone who smiles always when you see her
Causing the far recesses of the most closed mind to stir.

How do you define a friend?
A keeper of secrets with no expectations
To take your pain away they can see no limitations
Hold you tighter in life’s trials, and cheer hardest during your celebrations
Someone who is always there with a loving touch to lend
Whose presence is so unshakable you can’t imagine life without them.

How do define a mother?
A champion for all that you could ever do, be or conceive
If given the opportunity, your side she would never leave
But who loved you enough to forever trust and believe
That you would grow into an individual like no other
Allowing you to be who you are, while instilling the best that is in her.

How do you define a love all encompassing?
A woman able to be all these things to the people she sees
Yet still be the center of the universe for a select three
Able to balance all the world has ever asked her to do, act or be
For all of our days the holder of that was ever missing
In memories, in life, in lessons, all the best things
Quite simply, a blessing.







© 2009 jasmîne gabrielle

been away a while....

hey folks... yeah, short attention spans and all that.. you will start to see i have my phases of writing a lot and writing a little... here are my most recent and i'm working on new things now.
~j

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Song Cry- Jay Z

this is an old one.. but got favorable reviews. enjoy!

As you walk the path of life, understand that though it may throw you
It may make you wonder why the thing that hurts the worst has turned out to be true
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
There will be times that you don’t know when the clouds will part
And if you have enough strength to once again go back to start
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
When family is the solace you yearn for more than all of your life’s years
Know that love is there and the universe has numbered both of your tears
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
On the nights that you dance with the stars and sip from the cup of life
Commit that time to memory to get you through the times of strife
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
The moment of that next first kiss when you can feel the whole world at you feet
Cherish the emotion wrapped up in that skip in your heart beat
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
Embrace the children in your life harder when they smile
Carry that love onto the time in your life when you are blessed with your own child
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
And the moments that you are not quite sure that the decisions you have made are proper
Know that Allah has blessed you with both the sweet and the sour
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.
Your strength is endless, your love is timeless, and your worth is limitless
Your blessings are bountiful, your heart is faithful and your spirit is unbreakable
It never ends.
Life is funny like that.

© 2008 jasmine gabrielle

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I Wanna Be Loved - Nancy Wilson

I want to feel you in ways that the body can’t imagine
To know that when you look at me
You see perfection
I want the kind of love that makes eyes sparkle like that of a child
To know that there is awe left in the world
And that it lives in his smile
I want to be wrapped up in safety as my mother did when it rained too hard
And know that nothing can touch me
As long as you stand guard
I want my soul to overflow with the kind of love that God felt when he made the trees
To know what it’s like to feel you in my bones
To get that tickle in my elbow, the flutter in my knees
I want to get flashbacks of your kisses in the middle of my day for no reason
To know that you are my only
The new black for every season
I want to be loved in ways that can only be explained by divine intervention
To know God made you for me
To finally find the one from whose rib I am an extension
I want to be loved.

©2009 jasmine gabrielle

Friday, July 3, 2009

voyage to atlantis- the isley brothers

"I'll Always Come Back To You"

I can’t explain why or how
The love never dies
Why I’m laying here next to you now
But it’s the sound of your voice
Deep and low, at my soul it pries
And it’s the memories in your eyes
That leave me no choice

I’ll always come back to you
Nothing and no one can understand me the way you do
No need to define
I never have to hide me, bare nothing but my souls truth
It’s the way you just know
Hold me the way I need, let your strength replace mine
The kind of love that seems ordered, even divine.
It just is… no need for a show

I’ll always come back to you
I think I miss you more than your dreams can grasp
During those times we part ways
Others just place holders to the love I can’t forget
Present, but never touching inside
Filling my nights, just passing my days
Until you come back and remind me I am the sun to your rays
And it’s my heart yours sleeps beside

I’ll always come back to you


©2009 jasmine gabrielle

Thursday, July 2, 2009

what is this?!

hello everyone...
this is going to be my place to hold myself accountable for staying with my craft and attempting to get better. please feel free to leave your feedback- good, bad or ugly.

the current 'project' in making myself comfortable with writing for any emotion whether i'm actually dealing with it or not is to pick one old school song a day and force myself to write in that emotion. please leave me your suggestions and i will do my best to keep up.. and if no one is reading.. i'll be doing it anyway.. one day someone will read it lol

and while we are going over ground rules.. reposting anything without linking back or as your own work isnt cool, dont do it.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

for as long as you let me stay..

Spent so much time unsure of decisions that needed to made
Scared to cash out on a hand that should be played
Intent on securing what you came for,
So when you should have walked away, you stayed.
Gave him benefit of the doubt when your mind told you no
Became comfortable with taking it slow
And slow is good,
Except when slow means you’re only important after the last show
But the last show never comes
The work he values so much is never done
After all- the ambition what attracted you, silly girl
You refused to see that to him- that’s serious, and you? Well you are only for fun.
Fun wanes when reality is brought into the equation
And reality is not what his desires are based in
Bottom line, you aren’t allowed to ask for more
There is no room for your needs at this station
So the train moved on down the track
Leaving you to wonder what it is you really lack
Could you have given more, taken less
Was there ever a time he said he needed you and you didn’t have his back?
Not that you can think of, but who really knows
What more you could have shown
How much clearer you could be
Always the enigma, with this one you let your cover be blown

And blow you did…
Your time- forever waiting,
Your mind- steady reeling,
Your heart- still holding,
Your sleep- always listening,
Your body, lets just be honest about that one- blowing...
Hoping not to be let down

But when you gave him the parts of you rarely seen
When you took of the mask and came clean
That you needed more of him
Hoping to break the façade and bring real life to the scene
He walked away
From you, from the situation, from the rare tears you could no longer keep at bay
It wasn’t until that moment that you were finally able to see
That to him- you weren’t a ‘plan’ you were a ‘for as long as you let me stay’

And the honestly of that moment was all you were asking for
You just wished he stood up and said it like man, instead of speaking through the closing of a door.
And the honestly of that moment was all you were asking for
You just wished he stood up and said it like man, instead of speaking through the closing of a door.

so you called a call center..

3pm
You call the general 800 number with a question. Lets say you want to add a service... and you hear "oh that’s great, let me get you to the sales department"
3- 3.11pm
You sit on hold. Listening to commercials for this providers product and some really cheesy 80s soft rock or maybe some poorly done classical music... it starts to grate your nerves about 3.07... By the time the sales dept picks up, you are truly DONE.
3.12pm
'thank you for calling the sales dept' so you give them your account info, wait 3 more minutes for them to pull it up and then tell them what you want, only to hear "oh, we don’t service your account here. Let me get customer service"
3.13- 3.26pm
You fume because you know you just came from customer service and this hodgepodge of bs music interrupted by the extra hype commercial lady has you about to jump off a bridge
3.27pm
customer service picks up and again, tells you that you need the sales dept. you try to tell this one you just came from there, but to no avail... they transfer you again
3.28- 3.39pm
more f-ing hold music. more f-ing commercials. you want to hang up, but with 40 minutes of your day wasted, you refuse to let it all be in vain
3.40pm
sales again. this one seems to know what they are talking about. they do try to get you to the right place and even stay on the line to get the RIGHT rep in the RIGHT customer service dept and they actually succeed in getting someone who sounds ready and able to help!! Whoo-rah! BUT then you hear the dreaded 'I’m going to drop off the line now' from the transfer rep and in inevitable happens- they disconnect you from the call entirely.
3.42pm
you actually jump off a bridge.

has this (or something like it) ever happened to you? are you tired of calling into service providers and getting no where? congratulations! so is everyone & I have the most honest and real advice you will ever in your life receive on how to deal with it..... ready?
GET OVER IT!
sorry, its true... the following is an outline on what is really going on and why you really can’t ever get anything done. maybe it will help you. maybe it won’t. but at least it will give you a little more insight as to why you feel like you need some KY before you call an 800 number. the list is long, and goes in no particular order, but read on if you like.

1
call time: the importance of this statistic varies in every company and department, but general terms, you can expect the following... customer service works hard to get you off the phone as fast as possible; tech, support staff & sales do everything in their power to keep you as long as they can.
why?
customer service generally gets marked as to how fast they can get a resolution for you. now this is not to say they have to actually SOLVE anything... this just means that when it comes to their stats, getting you out of their call que IS resolution. And yes, that word should be spelled ‘queue’ but it never is in call center land- again, something you just have to deal with.
All the other departments have functions that actually require them to SHOW a resolution, so finding it is in their best interests. Techs need to close tickets, support needs you not to call ever again and sales need your money... all reasons to keep you there until you get what you want and they get what they want. The longer you keep them from getting what they want, the greater your chances of being on hold forever are.

2
speaking on hold… has a rep ever told you they were going to put you on hold and they would be right back? You sit and gear yourself up for the grating voice on the hold music, but all you hear is silence. Have you been hung up on? You look at you phone- nope still connected. Is the hold lady dead? You should only be so lucky. Are you call center purgatory? Not like that ever happened before… WHAT HAPPENED? So you either wait patiently or say “hello, hello, hello” to which your rep (usually) comes back and lets you know they are still there, just working on your issue, order, resolution, whatever, and to just be patient. This is called ‘silent hold’ (a term most companies will write your rep up for actually saying they do to customers- hey they pay a lot of money for the bitch on the hold music & damn it they want their money’s worth!)
silent hold = the mute button
basically, your rep either gets penalized for putting you on real hold, doesn’t want to have the ridiculous idle chat with you while they fix your shit or you pissed them off and they want you to sit there and think about what you did until they feel like talking to you again (or you hang up).
While you are there, it’s probably in your best interests to not:
a- pee, poo, fart, etc… like you are alone. You aren’t and it’s gross. No one needs to hear you grunt and groan.
b- Talk isshh about the rep. THEY CAN HEAR YOU. And you will be there while they talk to their co-workers about you, run to the vending machine, eat their lunch, smoke a cigarette or just pop shit right back at you without your knowledge.
c- Participate in a sexual act. Really? You think that they can’t tell you are trying to muffle your ‘ohhs and ahhs’ when they come back on the line RIGHT as you about to get yours? You ever wonder why their return is so perfectly timed? They heard everything, ya lil freaky mc nasty!
d- Participate in an illegal act. it’s amazing, when you want the call recorded because your rep is an ass, it never is... but when you make a crack sale to an undercover it’s ALWAYS recorded. Learn sign language if the spot is that busy on the day you have a billing issue.

3
bureaucracy… if the government which is full of people YOU vote there cant get anything done, what makes you think that a bunch of faceless folks that never have to see you (or get put up for re-election) give a damn about the process being difficult? Yeah, you could take your business elsewhere, but there are only so many providers for each service out there- so how far are you going if we know they are going to treat you the same way? Why do you think customer service at these places NEVER gets better, but the new customer deals do? They know that someone else will piss you off and you will make a hasty decision to switch to the competition for the “extra special one day only deal” that actually lasts indefinitely. You’ll be back eventually. If not, there is someone else that will. Companies care about the end result only… and if they lose 2%, but gain 3% because marketing did their job right... then in the end… fuck you. (I said this wasn’t going to be pretty)

4
Your importance. Now I know that last section might have hurt your feelings… but honestly, the sooner customers understand that in the companies eyes they are doing you a FAVOR by allowing you to have their service, the less stressed they would be. Yes, companies spend millions on marketing and advertising to get you- but much past that, pay your bill or get out. The truth is unless everyone in America got together and boycotted ONE company (of any service) and they lost ALL their customers at ONCE, then corporate America could give less than 2 damns what you individually do- its about the collective. And collectively, we as a society are too consumerist to go without one of our precious luxuries.
So no, your rep doesn’t care you expect to get a free phone with your cell service, free hbo with you cable service and on time delivery from DHL. Glad to know that’s the expectation- but all these companies expect is that they will exceed expectations with 50% of their customer base. If you are in the other 50% that day, fuck you.
Add to that, your rep is getting raped worse than you- DAILY. Imagine you go through this at most, what a few times a year… they have to do it 40 hours a week AND take your bull isshhh. Yeah, they shouldn’t work somewhere they dislike, hate, etc… but have you looked for a job lately? Ok then, you see why they are there.
Oh yeah, complaining to a manager… HA! You do realize that’s not a manager you are talking to, right? It’s their cube neighbor or teammate or even the same rep with a spiffy new accent saying “uh huh. I’m sorry to hear that. Uh huh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. But NO, we aren’t going to fix your problem.” Why? Because managers know less about how to fix your issue than your rep does. They also could care less and are authorized to do NOTHING. Blame the execs and profit margin. (who, btw, are playing golf, not waiting for your escalation so they can swoop in to save the day.)


So what do you do? How do you survive calling a service provider?
1-have you account information there. RIGHT there. Let the rep know you have it and are waiting on them to let you know when they are ready for it.
2-Speak understandable English. I know, your rep may be in another country, their American counterparts don’t like that fact anymore than you do. But execs are dicks that like to make a profit. Speaking in partial, broken, country, or warp speed English isn’t going to help the situation.
3-Don’t go into a tirade about the last 4 reps until the current rep can wrap their head around your first name. 7/10 times that isn’t the right one either and going on and on is wasting both of your times. State clearly the exact thing you need in the most elementary way possible and wait for instruction. If you think you are going to the wrong place- say so and why. You will still get transferred, but most reps will at least stay on the line to make sure the next idiot knows that this IS their job and they WILL do it.
4-Don’t press the prompt for sales because it’s the easiest way to get a person. It’s also the easiest way to get a pissed off, broke person and end up holding for the right department anyway. Actually LISTEN to the prompts and if you accidentally end up in the wrong place- hey it happens- most will understand if you at least TRIED.
5-Stop expecting everything to be free. You want a service, you need the things to go with it for it to work, just accept it. If a perfect stranger called you wanting to sleep on your couch for free because “it’s just sitting there anyway” you wouldn’t react too kindly- so the fact that your providers equipment “is just sitting there anyway” is not justification for you to be owed it for free. And if you are ordering something- HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD! Look at the economy, companies know your credit’s bad. So it’s theirs and they need their scratch!
6-Block out time. It’s sad, it’s unfair and it sucks- but life is life and life says you will wait if you really want resolution. You aren’t the only one, there aren’t enough (properly trained) reps to accommodate customer bases, execs delight in making your rep do things in the slowest and most painful way possible and everyone is frustrated. Bitching that your anus wax is in 10 minutes isn’t going to motivate anyone to do anything, much less speed up the process of doing nothing.

If you made it this far, CONGRATULATIONS! If you are reading this while you are on hold, you still have 2-3 minutes until the next rep is available (a.k.a. 10 more minutes)

i've been told i'm capable

I’ve been told that I'm capable
That to inspire others I’m able
If I just applied myself, it’s not possible to fail
Then why am I still stuck in this place
Unable to change pace
Waiting for something to change, but looking at the same face?

I’ve been told I’m the only one
That the time for games is done
And together we would find happiness and redemption
Then why did they lie
Unable to understand why I cried
Waiting for me to dig deep, find and fix what the last one broke inside?

I’ve been told that of the three, I’m the strongest
That I was able to do it on my own regardless
Never a worry- I would come out unscathed, always fearless
Then why do I feel abandoned
Unable to see why I wasn’t given a helping hand
Waiting for a safety net even if I would never allow my arm to extend

I’ve been told that I make it hard to stay
Expecting him to stand before he lay
Waiting for a man able to put my fears of a future at bay
Then why have I chosen the weak
Unable to back up that of which they speak
Slowly building up a wall as the end result becomes more and more bleak?

I’ve been told I have to change to make it
That to succeed I would have to learn to fit
Go with the flow, stick to the script
Then why must I always buck
Unable to just accept my life will have just a rare jewel in the muck
Rolling the dice, knowing I had more to rely on that just than dumb luck

I’ve been told that I’m capable
That the time for games is done
Never a worry- I would come out unscathed, always fearless
Then why have I chosen to be weak
Unable to just accept my life will have just a rare jewel in the muck
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Slowly. Rolling the dice.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

homework: krush groove

ok... so it took me a while to watch more off my 'required if i want to keep my black card' list... but the fact that the next season of the sopranos isnt ready yet means that i'm back on it.. krush groove. same format as before, random thoughts as i watch
~awwww... look at blairs lil young, verile ass. no matter the age, that dude got it
~we packin bundt cakes for lunch now?
~i'm not going to ask who is who, but you guys already know much past run dmc, i'm lost.
~ok, i'm about to me sick! i cant watch dissections. operations ok, but dissections- no.
~yeah, that never happened in my high school. ever. not even close.
~"russell? that big dummy!" LOL
~is that really thier dad? he looks like them?
~the hell is this lil ol lady steez?
~am i sensing a deal with the devil?
~*sigh* bored
~was that my uncle L?
~ok, shiela doin her thing. you got that.
~ok ok now i'm back on board.
~ohhhh ralphie!!
~ohhh, thats so sad. pride is a sin
~so is gluttony. and i know they arent running after eatin all that.
~ok, i've been traumatized by the pink bikini's
~homie with the shoulders need to not handcuff. hate is so unattractive lol
~i've been trying to figure this out the whole movie- its that the chick from the practice?
~hey hey! those are the jheri curls that were terrorizing kid n play in house party!
~now how did all of you get away with all these sex scenes in these movies? i KNOW your parents weren't havin it, so you were sneak freaks. thats why you all sex deviants now! lol
~awww..so touching. and they all lived happily ever after
ok, so not a waste of time (unlike another unnamed production with a lackluster 'glow') i see why people call its a classic. more than likely wont be on my classic list, but again- more because i'm not in 198_ watching it in awe. cool lil flick tho.
over and out..

Sunday, January 25, 2009

on my mind...

why these things were on my mind, i couldnt tell you.. but whatever, i gotta get them off my chest because.. yeah, i dont know the answer to that either...moving on...
~i want another tattoo.. hmm... my neck? my forehead? tramp stamp? BWAAHHH ok no on all that and there is no other cool place i dont have one already, so i guess i'm not getting one...
~i have listened to candyman 'knockin the boots' at least 20 times in a row tonight.. and i'm still jammin.. *sigh* i'm so simple lol
~does it signfy a problem if you came home today and said to yourself "self, dinner isnt happening.. drink this here alcoholic libation and call it a day"
~NONE of the streams for the game are working. this is some bullshit!
~i need to stay the hell off twitter, i'm on it entirely too much
~i wonder if i could commit to 2 hours a day... hmm.. food for thought..
~i had a dream omar was walkin around my apartment in hot pink fishnets and an eagles jersey askin about wee-bay... thoughts?
~ bscott is my dude. seriously.
~sissynobby gives me low self esteem. why mine dont move like that?
~why do i never have to pee until i'm comfortable?
~ 6 voicemails.. have people not learned i dont listen to them yet?
~thinking i might ask someone out to dinner next saturday. are girls allowed to do that? ah well.. probably going to do it anyway...
~i LIKE doing for others.. i just dont understand why others think that because i like it, that its not nice to be done for as well.
~ too many people are inherently selfish and try to pass it off as focused. not to say they arent, but that doesnt excuse lack of a larger world view
~ everytime i read the news, i get depressed. this is the world you want me to bring MORE lives into?
~i'm about ready for winter to be over
~ i havent gotten in my seven laughs for the day yet- i think i'm at 5... must find 2 more. make that 4.. extra credit is always good
~ still listening to candyman
~i should watch that movie tonight, but it actually DOES scare me.. why must i love it so much lol?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

where are your children?

Where are your children
Huddled around screens with fuzzy pictures
Watching the surrender of Harlem’s Robin Hood figure
Where are your children
Bludgeoning, shooting and stabbing before they can yet be called men
School of hard knocks more prestigious than traditional books and pen
Where are your children
Idolizing entrepreneurs of death
Forever looking for that father figure whose promise was never kept
Where are your children
Selling dreams of taking back their city
When in reality, only on a quest for power, no matter how horrific, deadly or gritty
Where are your children
Unsure of how to grow in productive members of society
Instead taking the route of fear and ruthlessness bringing them piety

What are your children
And how did they become so lawless
How did the straight and narrow bend into this criminal mess
What are your children
If not recreations of your twisted image
Able to rap before they can read, greatest priority being their status and visage
What are your children
Faithful followers, not of the God you taught, but the god you displayed
Teaching them not to build, but to spend before they were paid, credit before they save
What are your children
As the caliber of gun becomes more important than the child behind the trigger
And we realize that we can no longer balk when they call us nigger
What are your children
But vessels to spew the excuses for mediocrity they learned before their times tables
And mannequins for your need for rank, facades and labels

When are your children
Going to be planned and not just accepted
Celebrated, lifted up and raised in the care of both parents, not rejected
When are your children
Going to idolize something other than the American gangster
And not feel like that gang is their best bet because it’s safer.
When are you children
Going to have parents that accept their own role in the society their children pillage
Stop saying ‘those kids’ and become a valuable part of that village
When are your children
Going to stop dying for growing into the monsters you made them
The only answer is when you stop breeding them into bedlam
Where are your children?

Monday, January 5, 2009

darkness

Bottled up inside myself, unsure of which way to move

All the feelings I want you to understand, all the things I have to prove

All I really want is to feel like I've won

But at the end of the day when all is said and done

Fighting this race is an exercise in futility

Because the harder I fight, the more I lose me

The more I give, the more I allow, the more I make it easy for you to live

Ends with me unable to breathe, asking myself how, letting my heart seethe

I should be happy, so you say

I should be able to see the beauty in today

The smile of my child, the prosperity I walk in

I see your lips moving, but I can't hear you talking

When is it my turn to feel deep down in my soul that I have made it?

That at any moment another devil won't be there to take it

Why can't I make myself move past this?

Wanting to be wrapped up in joy, love and happiness

An order so tall that even the good Lord himself can't seem to deliver

And it's cold where I live, so much that even my heart can no longer shiver

When is the ride over, when can I say that I've given enough?

When is it that I can say my smile is more than just a bluff.

A friend told me I just love too much and I can't expect to control that

Such a noble attempt to heal my pain, yet I reveal in the past

Breathe in, breathe out, I start another day

Not yet ready to accept the beauty I exude, or so they say

Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe it won't

All I can do is keep trying to value myself, even when others don't

Pick it up, stay the course, walk like I'm not broken

Until the day I find a sliver of sunshine to walk in.

one day, mo. one day... keep fighting the battles as best you can. the war cant last forever. the words always come back and the love you give WILL be returned in due time. you are too beautiful inside and out for anything less. take your moment.

~j