Wednesday, November 12, 2008


now playing: raheem devaughn- believe

and again.. faith is misplaced.

you guys know pretty well by now that what i'm listening to dictates what loop of thoughts runs through my mind at that moment. i'm convinced my love of the shuffle feature on my ipod is the contributing factor to me changing up moods every 5 minutes.. but i digress.

the song that touched me today.... Believe- Raheem Devaughn (come on now, ya;ll know i love me some raheem)

With affection like a dreamer
with patience and understanding
like a teacher with a student,
vice versa …promise
not to hurt you, not to leave
not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss
not to stress, like the rest in your past

Believe it
I ain't like most men (I'll gonna do you right)
I ain't like them others
you done dealt with in the past
just have some faith
that is all I ask (I am not perfect)
But I'll try when times gets harder
I'll get harder….go harder…….be stronger baby

really? well thats a little difficult at the moment. there are so few left tt have faith in. so few that really deserve the trust it takes to believe. for me its not so much not believing in santa (aka love).. its more feeling more and more everyday that maybe i really do want to spend my life with one person- but that everyday, the chances of anyone being someone i can believe in enough to be with get smaller and smaller.

this is not to say all men are dogs, or fuck men or whatever brand of man hate you think i'm about to spew. its not just men, its all of us- i just so happen to deal with men, so get over it lol. the only point i'm trying to make is that lately it seems like there are so many reasons to become that bitter chick. so many layers of bullshit over the years, thats its hard to see the sunrise somedays.

i mean really... is it possible for ME to have someone that i dont have to change me or the things i love for? that i dont have to give up my basic needs in order to support thier dreams? that i dont have to turn a blind eye to thier inability to see anyone but themselves, thier own pain? that i dont have to teach how to treat me? that i dont have to coach into giving a damn and showing it once in a while?i'm tired.. i'm losing my ability to believe enough in people to trust them. and that, my friends, is unacceptable.

i know, i know.. make better choices.. but honestly- no one i have alluded to in this blog was bad from the start- they all actually seemed to be the 'turn around the corner' (again, from my point of view lol) the breath of air i needed.. they all came when I wasn't looking for them… then i started to believe in them.. then things changed. then i started to be taken for granted. then things got busy. then having me as the one that will never go anywhere was enough.

so what do i do now? where do you go when what you are finally ready to be open to is the last thing that the stars are lining up for you?

be bitter? fuck that- too much energy to hate all men.

give up on believing? nah- life is too short to give up hope

try to force yourself to accept subpar as acceptable because it has its moments of being good? i dont think i can live like that much longer.. *drama queen warning* my soul cannot flourish in such an enviornment.

i dont know what i think the answer is.. obviously, i need to change something.. i'm jsut writing tonight to reaffirm to myself that believing can hurt, but i'm not done doing it yet. and hopefully the one that really isnt like most men, the one that i should believe in comes before the bullshit completely blocks out the sunrise..

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