Sunday, November 30, 2008


how do you trust when everything up to now
has taught you that its a matter of when, not why or how
before the ones that you put yourself out there for
will show you they value what they can get from you more
than what you are made of, what makes you smile
and all the lessons you were taught as a child
the golden rule, that your word is all that matters
yet time and time again, the most valient attempts shatter
and you try again, hoping this time will be different
hoping that the little things wont add up to your detriment
attempting to let the occasional rasing of your brow
not discredit entirely the one you want to allow
into that place thats been hidden from sight
for longer than you care to bring to light
striving to forget that baby that came during your tenure
the exs that werent really no longer a factor
when a dollar carried more power than your heart
and from the childish ways he was not yet able to part
but you try and try to ignore when every fiber is telling you no
hoping that the curtian call will be different in the matinee show
but it seems impossible to find a reason to give him credence
not yet sure if its my spin due to events in past tense
or that your really are just full of shit

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the real and the not so real

so apparently, there is need to share this openly, as it applies to more than one person, on both sides of the coin.

lets start off with the good news, or great news actually...
lol, i know you guys have gotten a blog before, but that was directed at 3 of you specifically with a few others that it applied to. this is to all of you, especially since there are a few more that i have gotten close to since then. i am truely blessed to have you.
those of you that are there for me even when what i need most is to be alone.
those that want the best for me and actively contribute to my life in a positive way. those that get pissy drunk with me for no reason, or stay stone sober with me (or for me, as the case may be lol).
the ones that hate folks just because they made me cry and love them again when i forgive them despite themselves.
those that carry themselves as strong, educated and classy individuals to give me an example when i feel like mediocraty just might be acceptable and the ones that send me emails like the one that just popped up with contents far past anything that could resemble class (lol)
those that understand i have my issues and laugh with (or at) me and are comfortable enough to include me in thiers as well.
and most importantly- those that are honest with me above all else. even when it hurts me or them.
the fact that you have enough respect for me and enough invested in your own worth to keep it 100% at all times are the ones i value the most. i may not always want to hear it, and i have been known to need a minute to process certian instances of no holds barred truth... but i appreciate it more than any one moment with any of you.

now the bad news... some of you dont fit that bill.
some of you i thought might be capable, and gave you the space to show it either way. some i knew from jump that you would be a pariah in my life and let you in anyway- for varied reasons, none of which hold water today.
regardless of the who what where why and hows... its time for me to walk away from that and i want you very special folks to know the one reason for it, so i dont have to hear later that i'm acting like a funny dude or acting like i dont know you. the truth is, i'm glad to have known you. you taught me some thing(s) about myself and what i need in a real friend. but bottom line... if i cant trust you to do as the ones that will be here tomorrow and tell the truth, then what exactly is the point?
over the last week or so i really had to ask myself why i would let people that would lie about something as simple as the color of the sky into a position to know intimate details of my life. still not totally clear on that answer.. but i am clear that just because i opened the door, doesnt mean if have to continue to let the cold air in.
so yeah... no soup for you! lol
now i know i will get the messages asking if ommissions are the same as lying.. simple answer- yes. while i dont need or want every detail of anyones life.. things that can directly come to negatively affect me are lies, not ommissons. and point blank denials of fact are by defintition, a lie- just in case its not immediatly clear i'm speaking to you.
so thanks for the laughs, but the season is cancelled and the network isnt renewing the contract next year. exit stage left. the real riders are on the right and i would hate for you to get popped in the eye with a champange cork (though i would still laugh hysterically. after i knew you were ok, of course.. ok maybe not, but i would try to hold it in.)

peace and love

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


now playing: raheem devaughn- believe

and again.. faith is misplaced.

you guys know pretty well by now that what i'm listening to dictates what loop of thoughts runs through my mind at that moment. i'm convinced my love of the shuffle feature on my ipod is the contributing factor to me changing up moods every 5 minutes.. but i digress.

the song that touched me today.... Believe- Raheem Devaughn (come on now, ya;ll know i love me some raheem)

With affection like a dreamer
with patience and understanding
like a teacher with a student,
vice versa …promise
not to hurt you, not to leave
not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss
not to stress, like the rest in your past

Believe it
I ain't like most men (I'll gonna do you right)
I ain't like them others
you done dealt with in the past
just have some faith
that is all I ask (I am not perfect)
But I'll try when times gets harder
I'll get harder….go harder…….be stronger baby

really? well thats a little difficult at the moment. there are so few left tt have faith in. so few that really deserve the trust it takes to believe. for me its not so much not believing in santa (aka love).. its more feeling more and more everyday that maybe i really do want to spend my life with one person- but that everyday, the chances of anyone being someone i can believe in enough to be with get smaller and smaller.

this is not to say all men are dogs, or fuck men or whatever brand of man hate you think i'm about to spew. its not just men, its all of us- i just so happen to deal with men, so get over it lol. the only point i'm trying to make is that lately it seems like there are so many reasons to become that bitter chick. so many layers of bullshit over the years, thats its hard to see the sunrise somedays.

i mean really... is it possible for ME to have someone that i dont have to change me or the things i love for? that i dont have to give up my basic needs in order to support thier dreams? that i dont have to turn a blind eye to thier inability to see anyone but themselves, thier own pain? that i dont have to teach how to treat me? that i dont have to coach into giving a damn and showing it once in a while?i'm tired.. i'm losing my ability to believe enough in people to trust them. and that, my friends, is unacceptable.

i know, i know.. make better choices.. but honestly- no one i have alluded to in this blog was bad from the start- they all actually seemed to be the 'turn around the corner' (again, from my point of view lol) the breath of air i needed.. they all came when I wasn't looking for them… then i started to believe in them.. then things changed. then i started to be taken for granted. then things got busy. then having me as the one that will never go anywhere was enough.

so what do i do now? where do you go when what you are finally ready to be open to is the last thing that the stars are lining up for you?

be bitter? fuck that- too much energy to hate all men.

give up on believing? nah- life is too short to give up hope

try to force yourself to accept subpar as acceptable because it has its moments of being good? i dont think i can live like that much longer.. *drama queen warning* my soul cannot flourish in such an enviornment.

i dont know what i think the answer is.. obviously, i need to change something.. i'm jsut writing tonight to reaffirm to myself that believing can hurt, but i'm not done doing it yet. and hopefully the one that really isnt like most men, the one that i should believe in comes before the bullshit completely blocks out the sunrise..

Friday, November 7, 2008

make up assignment 2

so if you pay attention, you know i'm behind on some of my 80s classics.. well they couldnt have been too good if i;ve made it this far in life without seeing them.. but i digress...

first up while i gather the other stuff (my 'assignment' was beat street, krush groove, last dragon)

sweet wonder- damn i guess i need to be young to get this.. cute.. but eh... at least i'm vicki 2.0 and not harriett 2.0. thank god for small favors. speaking on harriett, wasnt that the little girl in troop beverly hills? i used to love that movie..

ok, onto main event for tonight... last dragon, oh, excuse me, barry gordy's the last dragon (one thousand pardons, naj lol)
~wow. this really is totally 80s.. those clothes, that hair.. wait.. wait.. wtf?!? sho'nuff? nucca WHAT?!? LMAO! this is some mess! beatin up on lil kids and shit.

~and bruce leroy know he need to get the hell out of the front row with that big ass hat

~cropped tank tops? HELLZ NAH! and how does EVERYONE up in there know kung fu?

~i think sho'nuff or sho'gun or whatever has low self esteem. people with a postive self image dont need to show off like that. thye got mo sense than that (shouts to cec lol)

~DEBARGE!! they know thye need to get it with those curls and that skinny mustache! and VANITY!!

~ok.. now i'm bored...

~who is this spaztastic white boy talkin about fighting without know how to fight? lol

~"kiss my converse" LMAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
" sting bean rick james lookin fooo!" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO x2

~why does this little boy have leather pants on? and the totally 80s OG strut lol.. oh shit its RUDY!!! and the lil boy school people ..S? lol

~who is this bugged out, bootleg cindy lauper? stillettos with roller skates on them? thats kinda hot lol

~are they line dancing in chinatown? THIS is the shit you guys were all so amped for me to see? lord.........

~i'm about tired of this mans shoulder pads...and someone get that man some moisturizer and a hot comb, DAMN!

~da hell are these shiny hologram things on her bra? ah yes... the 80s.. where if it doesnt make sense its whats hot in the streets..

~bored again......where is this glow everyone keeps talking about?

*time passes, jaz yawns*
15 minutes left and still no glow....

~yes jaeda, i must have had to be there.. because i'm feeling like i want the last hour plus of my life back

OH SHIT WE HAVE GLOW! but how the man with the shoulder pads get the glow? thats fucked up. poor lil leroy getting his ASS WHUPPED!!!

ut ohhh..... he glowin he glowin he glowin!!!!! amazing.. now can we just have good triumph over evil so this mess can end? he caught the bullet.. amzing x4

final summation... classic? you guys are just going to have to keep your classics, because this was some bull... but let me not shit on your childhoods...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

we are forever changed

well people... as of today, Novemember 4, 2008, we are forever changed.

when i woke up this morning, i cant say that i really grasped the reality that would be an Obama adminsitration. of course, you all know he has had my support the whole way. he has since the first page i read in 'Dreams of My Father' a few years back. when i read the first page of the forward, i knew that this man made me feel a way that i had not felt in a long time. his campaign hot button words of 'hope' and 'change' were evident for me from that point on.
even with that being said, the reality and the amazment that comes with the announcement that he really IS the 44th president of the country that i had lost so much faith in, is a reality that has touched and changed me in ways i never thought that any political race could.
i have expirenced something that even up to four years ago i couldnt fathom.
i have lived to see the child of an Kenyan father and a midwestern white mother become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world.
i have lived to see someone that though has a traveled a different path than me, has struggled through the same things i have.
i have lived to see a black president.
i have lived to see my MLK moment.

and for that, i have been blessed.
for that, i am forever changed.

there are so many other thoughts of promise, relief, fear and excitement that are running through my mind right now. so many that i can barely put together a blog that makes sense, let alone capture all that is coursing through me right now. but for tonight, i will only rejoice....

"this is our moment. this is our time."
yes, President Obama, it is. and i thank you for having the courage to show us all how far we have come and how much is really possible.

and to one of the people that is closest and most special to me... i am proud to know that when i am old enough for my body to betray me and my face to show the years i have been blessed enough to live... i am happy i can say that this moment i shared with you.

dear santa

dear santa,

i'm writing you to say that i'm tired of waiting on you. every year, i write you to tell you how good i have been. how much i prepared, did my chores, was nice to everyone and to ask that because i did so much all year, that i get that one special gift. that one thing that i think will make me smile on christmas morning.

then i get stiffed.

but years pass and i watch everyone else open thier gifts all smiling and happy. they hug thier teddy bears. they ride off into the sunset on thier new bikes. they wear thier new jackets and stay warm against the harsh winds of jack frost. and i'm happy for them. i smile with them. but i'm still here with no teddy bear to hug. no bike to ride and i'm cold because i dont have a coat.
i went looking for donner and blitzen. i figure if i can get your reindeer to chill over here for a little while, that eventually you will come looking for them and maybe remember to bring my reward with you when you come. well i found donner, blitzen and even that shiney nose havin muddasucka rudolph- and you know what? they had fleas and now i'm scratching like no ones business.
so then i figure frosty the snowman could help me. i mean its the wind from the north pole that brings him to life right? hes GOT to know how to holla at you, right? well... frosty is triflin. he only comes around when he feels like the wind worked hard enough for him to come to life. he sits idle and ignores me until he feels good and damn ready to run through my yard all happy and hyper. then.. THEN when i finally let him in my house, he gets funny about keeping those silly rubbers, i mean golashes, on so that he doesnt melt all over my floor and leave a big mess. AND he doesnt stick around to clean it up either. just drops it and leaves before i can slip and fall.
after all that, you would think i would stop looking for you, stop writing you letters, stop hoping that THIS year is the year that i get my present that is wrapped up all pretty under the tree AND has the most wonderful, thoughful gift that fits perfectly and keeps me enthralled for hours and hours on end. more disappointment.
but still, i never stopped believing in you. and i even forgave you when i found out that you were shackin up with that darn "mrs" claus- this alleged 'wife'. i bet you gave her a gift. i bet you were so busy getting her gifts that you forgot to come to my house, huh? AND i know about the elves too. you're not even right having them running all your errands and such and all they get is a 'joy' of helping you do YOU. and they get to watch you with this supposed spouse everyday for thier trouble. so cruel!
THIS year, i decided i was going to stop looking for random christmas personas and ride around until i found YOU. yes santa, i was riding past your mama house, your baby mama house, your big homie baby Jesus too... yeah, i didnt see you.. bet you were off somewhere with the three wise men lighting that damn incense- werent you? you aint isshhhhh santa!!!
so i'm not going to write you anymore letters. bump that. the easter bunny BEEN hollerin at me. he kinda funny and likes to hide my stuff though. matter of fact, i may just go all the way and take up with the tooth fairy! at least she understands that when the call goes out, you answer that mug!! AND shes timely- always shows up before i wake up the next morning. what you know about THAT santa?! whens the last time someone needed you in june and you took time out of your busy schedule making 'toys' to check on me? yeah- NEVER!
you know those delicious chocolate chip cookies i lay out for your every year... yeah, i'm taking those back- the milk thats in those pretty decorated jugs- yeah thats not for you anymore either! so there!

wait, i think i hear slieghbells!!! is that you? are you finally coming? is it my turn this year? i take all that mean stuff i said about you back, santa. you know i love you. you know i want you in my life, santa. you know that i will still make sure i'm good all year- just for you santa. but i need you to give a little. even a stocking stuffer. some popcorn balls on the tree. something, santa. i know i said i stopped believing in you, but honestly santa, no matter what happens or how many puddles frosty leaves on my floor! i will never regret what you might have brought me.. just hope in what is yet to come.

love always,

dear reader.. if you think i'm nuts.. replace 'santa' with 'love' and read again lol... santa is still real- i promise!