Sunday, December 21, 2008

winter blues

ok, now i know that i made a promise to self to stay da HELL out my blog until i could come in here with something positive to contribute to the world... how-mfing-ever... i just have to purge right quick, so later for all that....

well, i'm still on my 'get it together' kick and i must say, its going quite well..ive been quiet about it because no one want to hear about what you 'gonna' do.. so, i will stay off of that topic aside from saying: its a work in progress and progress is happening.

now onto the 'blues' part of the day....well its not all blues, but some of it had to be said

~starting off on a good note: i miss being a kid! even if it was only for a little while today and the snow wasnt cooperating with being snowballed- i had a good time. round two is tomorrow and i hope to get it poppin for real for real then...

~ITS COLD LIKE WHOA.. and i dont understand how i live in a city at 43N latitude and they want to act like snow removal is not in the budget. thats not cute, traction control or not

~now i am working on my penchance for being a touch 'attitudinal' regarding certian behavior, but people seem hell bent to not leave me in my "young ron yee cho" sense of calm. now you know my shoes are like children to me. dont bother them, and i wont bother you... so why.. WHY? did this man just pick up my shoe and play like he was nuttin all over it- sound effects and all? really? REALLY? see... people get bodied for less and your nasty ass really tryin my patience. then want to look at me like "i was just playin" FIRST OF ALL.. you dont play with my shoes SECOND.. sound effects like you are having a mastabatory expirence are NOT at all considered playing my book. drop my knee length, quilted back, tread enfused black leather boot before i am forced to call the ex that i dont want to call over your bullshit, but i will over my fuckin shoe. your ass didnt want to play like that when he was around, dont think that you can play with me like that now, you nasty bastard. now you done made me take it back to "they STILL gonna fuck you up" like this is poetic justice.
*sigh*
bitch bastards...

~why tracey morgan like 4'3''? i know, i know.. all the 'celebs' are short, but damn it man- my nipple is on your forehead. and while we on body parts.. are you like, 40 and in the club with your dress exposing not just the cuff- but your WHOLE ass?! and for tracey morgan? i'ma need you to get your i'm too old to be a groupie life together expiditiously. and knock off coogi is NOT whats hot in the streets

~ok, ok sexual chocolate with the arms like 'whoa' (yes, that is what i call him and i refuse to refer to him as anything else lol) you, my dear sweet man are going to need to keep drinking henny like its water. because as long as you do, i'm more than capable of maintaining good girl status with little effort because that henny smell is arghh. thank you for leaving the listerine in the car and no, you cant have any gum. you still sexy though LOL

~now you know i will not change my number due to family reasons, but damn it, some days, i have to wonder if that is really in my best interests... did i really get a text message from a dude i was dating (read: DATING, not sleeping with) prior to the last TWO exs at 1am asking me if i wanted company after the club? really? seriously? you hit the number for the wrong one, patna. even if the nana WAS taking applications, you couldnt even get an interview with that mess.. keep it pushin, pimpin.

ok, i'm going to take my "1 apple martini, 2 glasses of wine, 2 glasses of sangria and 7 jello shots and STILL not feelin a got damn thing because of the fuckkery that is DA ROC" behind to sleep... holla on the flip side

kisses
~j

Monday, December 8, 2008

walmart on the weekend

see now, you wonder why i got to walmart at three am on a tuesday? this is why: the weekends are just too much for me.. how how in da hell..........

~are you going to be up in there on a sunday at four in the afternoon in december when it is 17 degrees outside with some strappy stillettos, a cocktail dress, a rag on your head and a bubble coat? now i KNOW you didnt wear that to church, and its DEF not wedding wear- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?!

~now i know lil ray-ray and his five year old self is just as cute as he wanna be- and i know he likes pushng the cart and whatnot.. but seriously, this place is packed and i stay getting stuck behind him chillin in the middle of EVERY aisle. get your child, please.

~how are you going to postion your cart at the end of the the aisle, blocking anyone from coming in or out, with your grandbabies at your side (and they are actually aware of people around them and trying to stay out of the way like they have good sense) then post up in that spot to yell at THEM for blocking the flow of traffic? its YOUR simple behind that mysteriously forgot how to handle a shopping cart. shut your yapper and move them feets!

~did you really load up two carts over capacity and get to the front of the line and suddenly realize you dont have your EBT card (honest mistake, BUT...) then actually argue with the cashier because they wont let you take the groceries to the car and bring your card back in? yes, seriously- this was a 5-6 minute conversation in the next line over... people never cease to amaze me.

~are there four colors of weave in your head? FOUR?! jet black, ruby red, honey brown and platinum blonde- REALLY?! all wrapped up in microbraids?! i'ma need whoever did that to your head to be slapped! three times if you did it yourself.. smh

~umm.. isnt that your girl in the next aisle? so help me understand why my booty is even something that needs a comment from you? and you really just said "oh her, yeah, thats my girl but i'm tryin to see whats up with you" *blank stare* yeah, because my entire goal in life is to be the side chick for a snaggle tooth midget with no game. thank you sir.

*sigh*
i'm back to vampire hours for shopping folks..

Saturday, December 6, 2008

voice of the 529

*now playing: numba 1 (tide is high) by kardinal offishall

5=j
2=a
9=z
(dont want to lose you from the start)

I'm Mr. Kardinal, voice to the people
Black Jays family, verses arevlethal
I dont have time for the play play
She a good chick yo but I'm married to the game
Married to the fame
Related to the paper
Tryin to get my name put up on a skyscraper

so.... its like that??


the only question i have for you: if your word is your bond and your bond is only as strong as post-it note glue, why bother with empty declarations? just do you and i'll cheer from the sidelines..ok, maybe the stands... well, i'll at least catch it on sportcenter and THAT is a promise you can actually count on..

Sunday, November 30, 2008

trust

how do you trust when everything up to now
has taught you that its a matter of when, not why or how
before the ones that you put yourself out there for
will show you they value what they can get from you more
than what you are made of, what makes you smile
and all the lessons you were taught as a child
the golden rule, that your word is all that matters
yet time and time again, the most valient attempts shatter
and you try again, hoping this time will be different
hoping that the little things wont add up to your detriment
attempting to let the occasional rasing of your brow
not discredit entirely the one you want to allow
into that place thats been hidden from sight
for longer than you care to bring to light
striving to forget that baby that came during your tenure
the exs that werent really no longer a factor
when a dollar carried more power than your heart
and from the childish ways he was not yet able to part
but you try and try to ignore when every fiber is telling you no
hoping that the curtian call will be different in the matinee show
but it seems impossible to find a reason to give him credence
not yet sure if its my spin due to events in past tense
or that your really are just full of shit

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the real and the not so real

so apparently, there is need to share this openly, as it applies to more than one person, on both sides of the coin.

lets start off with the good news, or great news actually...
I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS
lol, i know you guys have gotten a blog before, but that was directed at 3 of you specifically with a few others that it applied to. this is to all of you, especially since there are a few more that i have gotten close to since then. i am truely blessed to have you.
those of you that are there for me even when what i need most is to be alone.
those that want the best for me and actively contribute to my life in a positive way. those that get pissy drunk with me for no reason, or stay stone sober with me (or for me, as the case may be lol).
the ones that hate folks just because they made me cry and love them again when i forgive them despite themselves.
those that carry themselves as strong, educated and classy individuals to give me an example when i feel like mediocraty just might be acceptable and the ones that send me emails like the one that just popped up with contents far past anything that could resemble class (lol)
those that understand i have my issues and laugh with (or at) me and are comfortable enough to include me in thiers as well.
and most importantly- those that are honest with me above all else. even when it hurts me or them.
the fact that you have enough respect for me and enough invested in your own worth to keep it 100% at all times are the ones i value the most. i may not always want to hear it, and i have been known to need a minute to process certian instances of no holds barred truth... but i appreciate it more than any one moment with any of you.

now the bad news... some of you dont fit that bill.
some of you i thought might be capable, and gave you the space to show it either way. some i knew from jump that you would be a pariah in my life and let you in anyway- for varied reasons, none of which hold water today.
regardless of the who what where why and hows... its time for me to walk away from that and i want you very special folks to know the one reason for it, so i dont have to hear later that i'm acting like a funny dude or acting like i dont know you. the truth is, i'm glad to have known you. you taught me some thing(s) about myself and what i need in a real friend. but bottom line... if i cant trust you to do as the ones that will be here tomorrow and tell the truth, then what exactly is the point?
over the last week or so i really had to ask myself why i would let people that would lie about something as simple as the color of the sky into a position to know intimate details of my life. still not totally clear on that answer.. but i am clear that just because i opened the door, doesnt mean if have to continue to let the cold air in.
so yeah... no soup for you! lol
now i know i will get the messages asking if ommissions are the same as lying.. simple answer- yes. while i dont need or want every detail of anyones life.. things that can directly come to negatively affect me are lies, not ommissons. and point blank denials of fact are by defintition, a lie- just in case its not immediatly clear i'm speaking to you.
so thanks for the laughs, but the season is cancelled and the network isnt renewing the contract next year. exit stage left. the real riders are on the right and i would hate for you to get popped in the eye with a champange cork (though i would still laugh hysterically. after i knew you were ok, of course.. ok maybe not, but i would try to hold it in.)

peace and love
~j

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

believe

now playing: raheem devaughn- believe

and again.. faith is misplaced.


you guys know pretty well by now that what i'm listening to dictates what loop of thoughts runs through my mind at that moment. i'm convinced my love of the shuffle feature on my ipod is the contributing factor to me changing up moods every 5 minutes.. but i digress.


the song that touched me today.... Believe- Raheem Devaughn (come on now, ya;ll know i love me some raheem)



With affection like a dreamer
with patience and understanding
like a teacher with a student,
vice versa …promise
not to hurt you, not to leave
not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss
not to stress, like the rest in your past

Believe it
I ain't like most men (I'll gonna do you right)
I ain't like them others
you done dealt with in the past
just have some faith
that is all I ask (I am not perfect)
But I'll try when times gets harder
I'll get harder….go harder…….be stronger baby


really? well thats a little difficult at the moment. there are so few left tt have faith in. so few that really deserve the trust it takes to believe. for me its not so much not believing in santa (aka love).. its more feeling more and more everyday that maybe i really do want to spend my life with one person- but that everyday, the chances of anyone being someone i can believe in enough to be with get smaller and smaller.


this is not to say all men are dogs, or fuck men or whatever brand of man hate you think i'm about to spew. its not just men, its all of us- i just so happen to deal with men, so get over it lol. the only point i'm trying to make is that lately it seems like there are so many reasons to become that bitter chick. so many layers of bullshit over the years, thats its hard to see the sunrise somedays.


i mean really... is it possible for ME to have someone that i dont have to change me or the things i love for? that i dont have to give up my basic needs in order to support thier dreams? that i dont have to turn a blind eye to thier inability to see anyone but themselves, thier own pain? that i dont have to teach how to treat me? that i dont have to coach into giving a damn and showing it once in a while?i'm tired.. i'm losing my ability to believe enough in people to trust them. and that, my friends, is unacceptable.


i know, i know.. make better choices.. but honestly- no one i have alluded to in this blog was bad from the start- they all actually seemed to be the 'turn around the corner' (again, from my point of view lol) the breath of air i needed.. they all came when I wasn't looking for them… then i started to believe in them.. then things changed. then i started to be taken for granted. then things got busy. then having me as the one that will never go anywhere was enough.


so what do i do now? where do you go when what you are finally ready to be open to is the last thing that the stars are lining up for you?


be bitter? fuck that- too much energy to hate all men.


give up on believing? nah- life is too short to give up hope


try to force yourself to accept subpar as acceptable because it has its moments of being good? i dont think i can live like that much longer.. *drama queen warning* my soul cannot flourish in such an enviornment.


i dont know what i think the answer is.. obviously, i need to change something.. i'm jsut writing tonight to reaffirm to myself that believing can hurt, but i'm not done doing it yet. and hopefully the one that really isnt like most men, the one that i should believe in comes before the bullshit completely blocks out the sunrise..

Friday, November 7, 2008

make up assignment 2

so if you pay attention, you know i'm behind on some of my 80s classics.. well they couldnt have been too good if i;ve made it this far in life without seeing them.. but i digress...

first up while i gather the other stuff (my 'assignment' was beat street, krush groove, last dragon)

sweet wonder- damn i guess i need to be young to get this.. cute.. but eh... at least i'm vicki 2.0 and not harriett 2.0. thank god for small favors. speaking on harriett, wasnt that the little girl in troop beverly hills? i used to love that movie..

ok, onto main event for tonight... last dragon, oh, excuse me, barry gordy's the last dragon (one thousand pardons, naj lol)
~wow. this really is totally 80s.. those clothes, that hair.. wait.. wait.. wtf?!? sho'nuff? nucca WHAT?!? LMAO! this is some mess! beatin up on lil kids and shit.

~and bruce leroy know he need to get the hell out of the front row with that big ass hat

~cropped tank tops? HELLZ NAH! and how does EVERYONE up in there know kung fu?

~i think sho'nuff or sho'gun or whatever has low self esteem. people with a postive self image dont need to show off like that. thye got mo sense than that (shouts to cec lol)

~DEBARGE!! they know thye need to get it with those curls and that skinny mustache! and VANITY!!

~ok.. now i'm bored...

~who is this spaztastic white boy talkin about fighting without know how to fight? lol

~"kiss my converse" LMAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
" sting bean rick james lookin fooo!" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO x2

~why does this little boy have leather pants on? and the totally 80s OG strut lol.. oh shit its RUDY!!! and the lil boy school people ..S? lol

~who is this bugged out, bootleg cindy lauper? stillettos with roller skates on them? thats kinda hot lol

~are they line dancing in chinatown? THIS is the shit you guys were all so amped for me to see? lord.........

~i'm about tired of this mans shoulder pads...and someone get that man some moisturizer and a hot comb, DAMN!

~da hell are these shiny hologram things on her bra? ah yes... the 80s.. where if it doesnt make sense its whats hot in the streets..

~bored again......where is this glow everyone keeps talking about?

*time passes, jaz yawns*
15 minutes left and still no glow....

~yes jaeda, i must have had to be there.. because i'm feeling like i want the last hour plus of my life back


OH SHIT WE HAVE GLOW! but how the man with the shoulder pads get the glow? thats fucked up. poor lil leroy getting his ASS WHUPPED!!!

ut ohhh..... he glowin he glowin he glowin!!!!! amazing.. now can we just have good triumph over evil so this mess can end? he caught the bullet.. amzing x4

final summation... classic? you guys are just going to have to keep your classics, because this was some bull... but let me not shit on your childhoods...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

we are forever changed

well people... as of today, Novemember 4, 2008, we are forever changed.

when i woke up this morning, i cant say that i really grasped the reality that would be an Obama adminsitration. of course, you all know he has had my support the whole way. he has since the first page i read in 'Dreams of My Father' a few years back. when i read the first page of the forward, i knew that this man made me feel a way that i had not felt in a long time. his campaign hot button words of 'hope' and 'change' were evident for me from that point on.
even with that being said, the reality and the amazment that comes with the announcement that he really IS the 44th president of the country that i had lost so much faith in, is a reality that has touched and changed me in ways i never thought that any political race could.
i have expirenced something that even up to four years ago i couldnt fathom.
i have lived to see the child of an Kenyan father and a midwestern white mother become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world.
i have lived to see someone that though has a traveled a different path than me, has struggled through the same things i have.
i have lived to see a black president.
i have lived to see my MLK moment.

and for that, i have been blessed.
for that, i am forever changed.


there are so many other thoughts of promise, relief, fear and excitement that are running through my mind right now. so many that i can barely put together a blog that makes sense, let alone capture all that is coursing through me right now. but for tonight, i will only rejoice....

"this is our moment. this is our time."
yes, President Obama, it is. and i thank you for having the courage to show us all how far we have come and how much is really possible.


and to one of the people that is closest and most special to me... i am proud to know that when i am old enough for my body to betray me and my face to show the years i have been blessed enough to live... i am happy i can say that this moment i shared with you.

dear santa

dear santa,

i'm writing you to say that i'm tired of waiting on you. every year, i write you to tell you how good i have been. how much i prepared, did my chores, was nice to everyone and to ask that because i did so much all year, that i get that one special gift. that one thing that i think will make me smile on christmas morning.

then i get stiffed.

but years pass and i watch everyone else open thier gifts all smiling and happy. they hug thier teddy bears. they ride off into the sunset on thier new bikes. they wear thier new jackets and stay warm against the harsh winds of jack frost. and i'm happy for them. i smile with them. but i'm still here with no teddy bear to hug. no bike to ride and i'm cold because i dont have a coat.
i went looking for donner and blitzen. i figure if i can get your reindeer to chill over here for a little while, that eventually you will come looking for them and maybe remember to bring my reward with you when you come. well i found donner, blitzen and even that shiney nose havin muddasucka rudolph- and you know what? they had fleas and now i'm scratching like no ones business.
so then i figure frosty the snowman could help me. i mean its the wind from the north pole that brings him to life right? hes GOT to know how to holla at you, right? well... frosty is triflin. he only comes around when he feels like the wind worked hard enough for him to come to life. he sits idle and ignores me until he feels good and damn ready to run through my yard all happy and hyper. then.. THEN when i finally let him in my house, he gets funny about keeping those silly rubbers, i mean golashes, on so that he doesnt melt all over my floor and leave a big mess. AND he doesnt stick around to clean it up either. just drops it and leaves before i can slip and fall.
*sigh*
after all that, you would think i would stop looking for you, stop writing you letters, stop hoping that THIS year is the year that i get my present that is wrapped up all pretty under the tree AND has the most wonderful, thoughful gift that fits perfectly and keeps me enthralled for hours and hours on end. more disappointment.
but still, i never stopped believing in you. and i even forgave you when i found out that you were shackin up with that darn "mrs" claus- this alleged 'wife'. i bet you gave her a gift. i bet you were so busy getting her gifts that you forgot to come to my house, huh? AND i know about the elves too. you're not even right having them running all your errands and such and all they get is a 'joy' of helping you do YOU. and they get to watch you with this supposed spouse everyday for thier trouble. so cruel!
THIS year, i decided i was going to stop looking for random christmas personas and ride around until i found YOU. yes santa, i was riding past your mama house, your baby mama house, your big homie baby Jesus too... yeah, i didnt see you.. bet you were off somewhere with the three wise men lighting that damn incense- werent you? you aint isshhhhh santa!!!
so i'm not going to write you anymore letters. bump that. the easter bunny BEEN hollerin at me. he kinda funny and likes to hide my stuff though. matter of fact, i may just go all the way and take up with the tooth fairy! at least she understands that when the call goes out, you answer that mug!! AND shes timely- always shows up before i wake up the next morning. what you know about THAT santa?! whens the last time someone needed you in june and you took time out of your busy schedule making 'toys' to check on me? yeah- NEVER!
*humph*
you know those delicious chocolate chip cookies i lay out for your every year... yeah, i'm taking those back- the milk thats in those pretty decorated jugs- yeah thats not for you anymore either! so there!

*pause*
wait, i think i hear slieghbells!!! is that you? are you finally coming? is it my turn this year? i take all that mean stuff i said about you back, santa. you know i love you. you know i want you in my life, santa. you know that i will still make sure i'm good all year- just for you santa. but i need you to give a little. even a stocking stuffer. some popcorn balls on the tree. something, santa. i know i said i stopped believing in you, but honestly santa, no matter what happens or how many puddles frosty leaves on my floor! i will never regret what you might have brought me.. just hope in what is yet to come.

love always,
jasmine





dear reader.. if you think i'm nuts.. replace 'santa' with 'love' and read again lol... santa is still real- i promise!

Friday, October 31, 2008

that chick you want, but not THE chick you need

ok, so i'm sitting here listening to some random chill out playlist as i do my myspace thing.. and of course, i'm supposed to be asleep- so my brain wont turn off. lucky you to get the overflow lol


first song... "shes not you" raheem devaughn


*sigh* wow.. where do i start with my thoughts tonight..all about how even though he may cheat, may get numbers, may even have whole other relationships .. none of them are this one chick (that we will assume he loves). i'm not even going to get into the cheating aspect of it because i'm far to tired to go there lol.. just the 'shes not you' part of it. and you know what? i'm tired of being 'she'. (not the other woman.. read on)


let me clarify, i'm always A find...
you dont have kids? umm.. no
you have a job? umm.. duh
you stay by yourself? umm.. yeah
you have friends, your own life and can occupy your own time? umm... seriously?
you actually can hold a conversation, make sense and give input on my bullshit? umm.. dont make me slap you- yes!
this list goes on, but i'm going to digress here...

so yeah, i'm A find, but i'm not THE find.
*confused*

now i will take responsiblity for some bad choices as far as men in my life are concerned.. but seriously, now i'm just frustrated. how can i be so wonderful, if i'm never THE one? and whats even more fucked up.. i'm usually the one the leads a mf to find THE one .. i'm not even going to go there, because some of the very ones i'm talking about finding their girl through me read these.. but i'm starting to get a damn complex.

i'm tired of being what you want. i'm tired of being THAT chick that makes you go "damn". THAT chick that makes you comfortable enough to think i will always be here in your corner. your cheerleader. your counselor. your job coach. your sounding board. your 'safe' spot. the one that requires you to grow up enough to be ready for a relationship with the NEXT one. eventually, i would like to be THE chick that you NEED.

second song.. "butterflies" also raheem.. well damn.. yeah.. one day lol

third song... "why does she stay" ne-yo.
yeah, maybe i shouldnt go there either lol. Lord knows sometimes i still question myself on why i stayed in alot of things. waiting, i guess. definitely in vain. funny thing about this song is a guy once told me part of this song line by line (years ago). sick. my question still is: if you are so unworthy of her, and she is asking so little, what is so hard about stepping up? its not rocket science. the girl straight said she just wanted you to call. in short, you aint shit and not only do you know it- you are content to stay that way LOL... sick part II.

last, as i need to go to damn sleep.. "thats the way love goes" the one and only janet
*exhale one mo gin*
moth. flame. yeah...isnt it though? isnt it always that there is that one thing that becomes the deal breaker? something you want to stangle him on? something she needs that you refuse to accept? some hurdle that neither one of you care to break down? its always something.. well.. until you find THE one... so i'm still screwed i guess lol.

ok, ok.. one more.. its short i promise...."in love with another man" jazmine sullivan
damn love. he wasnt shit and i should have realized that sooner and stayed in cali...but no..i opened up a long line of sub par BS. none of which ever added up to me being treated with the level of respect, caring, concern and love that you showed me was possible in a relationship. thank you for the prototype..eventually, i WILL find the real world application and THIS time.. i will be wise enough to hold on.

ok world... let me carry it off to dream land...thanks for sticking with me through some rambling ... i know i bounce alot... if you think i'm talking about you, yeah i probably am. if you think you can relate, yeah i probably thought you could to. if you are just reading because you think i'm a hot mess, yeah... i probably am.

ok ok.. replace all those probably's with "you mf-ing right".

~j