Thursday, December 17, 2015

Why am i here?

I ask myself what am I doing here?
And I can't think of one good reason. Because I am miserable. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

its not you, its me

you're intimidating.

if xyz bullshit in my life was different, being with you would be my dream.

you're abc and def, but right now the timing just isnt right.

i should have seen what i had before i lost you.

bullshit. its like there's a script. obviously, its me... but what the fuck am i supposed to do to change it?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

tonight is hard

all i can see tonight is the image of finding her. i just want to see my sister- her, not what i found. i'm not ok. i'm not equipped to be ok yet. 

i fucking hate this song tonight because my dreams are nightmares and they already came true. but i cant stop listening to it. i cant stop wishing i could change it. i just... i dont know, but tonight... i cant. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

my promise

we sat last night and talked about everything we regretted from that day. the words you heard, the ones you didn't, the ones that could have been said. it changes nothing about that day or the rest of our lives- but it helped to be one in it. neither one of us knows about to be just two- and neither of us plans on learning how. you will never not be a part of us that is just empty. we both still have so much anger and hurt over your choice... but i promise that if there wasn't a love so deep that even we didn't know how much we really needed you- then we wouldn't be as lost as we are today without you.

i cant change what happened. i cant fix anything. i hurt more now than the day you left. i will never not be sad at some point in my day. but as misguided as you were, i know that you just wanted everyone to be happy. i cant do that yet, but i can promise this:

i will live because you didn't, smile because you couldn't and love because that's what you did most for me.

i promise that i will say this every hour of everyday until i can actually do it. and when that happens, i want you to promise that you let go of whatever inside of you thought this was what you needed to do and know that wherever you are- we love you.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

feeling forgotten

pity party warning. i'm hurt. this is strictly about being hurt and wanting to not hurt anymore.

what do you do when everyone close to you scatters when you go through something?

everyones response is "i know you need your space." No. when i need space, i actively tell people that.

when my father died, i told the people who used that line that i did't want space. i wanted those close to me to BE HERE. i dont need to talk about it necessarily (i know that no one knows what to say),  but when i do- i can let you know that too. just BE HERE. the response was ok, cool.

now, i cant even sleep through the night without someone here. but most everyone who is close enough to me to know that and has enough proximity to physically get to me? i haven't actually seen in the month since my sisters death. wow. how much space do you think i need?

people who i have broken bread with,sat in their house & invited them into mine, celebrated with and knew my sister... haven't even called, texted, hell even sent a damn carrier pigeon to acknowledge her death.

what kind of horrible friend have i been to people?

then i turn around and friends that have been further out that you could technically call associates, have totally stepped up. without prompt, without know what happened or what my current emotional and physical stressers are- seeking me out so i wont be alone. not asking a single question- just simply sitting with me so i'm not alone. calling to check in, just "to make sure". waiting to ask how i am until i'm not standing in front of a room full of people. the appreciation and love i feel because of them is overwhelming.

i guess that means i'm not all bad..... right?

Monday, January 20, 2014

what i'm learning about grief...

Everyone dies.

That's that there is to learn about grief.
Deal with it.

i was always taught that death, though sad, is a necessary part of life. that growing old is a privilege and heaven was a better place that what we could imagine on earth. my grandparents died. my great aunt & uncle... now i have four guardian angels - great. that cant be all that bad.

some kids i went to high school died and if affected me. i mean we were kids. losing your classmates at that age isn't supposed to happen. it was sad and i grieved along with the rest of my small town.

the first person that was really close to me to die was friend i was starting to get to know better. an unexpected accident during a party i was supposed to attend, but i hadn't gotten back from visiting my family yet. he died while i drove to him. he was a great person, a happy soul, and he challenged me - but he was gone before he had a chance to really do anything with his life. my heart hurt for a long time after that. but that hurt wasn't about me really, but of what he would miss.

that's all i knew about death until this year. in april, my father died. the official report says heart disease, with a secondary contributing factor of cocaine. its a hell of a fucking drug, you know. i'm laughing because that's the first time i've said (or typed) the secondary cause out loud outside of a small circle. i never wanted my little sister to know that he was still fighting his addiction to the end. i mean she knew- but i didn't want her to have that last image of him. i held back on telling her that he battled with it for years. or that it was a contributing factor in my strained relationship with him. she so just wanted her daddy back so badly, i couldn't be the one to ruin the image she had of him before i absolutely had to. if i'm being honest, while i was stuck in my anger toward him- talking to her about it would have made it a little too real for me as well. i just wanted my daddy back too.

i was supposed to call him that morning to tell him i would be out to see him the next month. i remembered i hadn't told him yet while i was in the bathroom mirror. but it was already 10:30- i needed to get out the door to work. it would wait until after work. i missed my last chance. he died while i brushed my teeth.

when i got the phone call about his passing, a part of me died in that parking lot. knowing i had to tell my siblings gave me an all out anxiety attack. i told my brother, who wrote him off years ago, and heard the tears he tried not to let fall through the phone. he did what he was trained to do as my big brother- make sure i was ok. but neither of us was. neither of us was ready, even though we knew it was coming. i couldn't tell Maya though. she needed someone with her- calling would have been cruel- or that's what i told myself. really, i just couldn't do it. Orion's reaction was hellish. hurting her like that would have crippled me. i enlisted my mom to be there with her so i could make more calls. i should have done it myself. she told me later we should have talked about it and i couldn't register anything but frustration. i dealt with all his affairs, his family, his remains on my own- how could she have needed more from me? but until writing this, i didn't realize all the calls and arrangement and tying up loose ends overwhelmed me- but she & i never talked about it at all. i'm a piece of shit for that.

i still haven't dealt with his death yet. i know its real. i know i wont have another chance to have my daddy back, but ... i refuse to even open the package his ashes were mailed in. the final paperwork from the coroners office is still sitting, unopened, on my desk. the last of his belongings are in an ottoman so i dont have to see them. i don't know when i will ever deal with it. knowing i will never have another shot to be angry with, be cold to, want to love or tell him i'm hurting without him- its just too hard. i'm never going to see him again.

i asked her that day to play basketball with my nephew and me. she said it was too cold. i asked again, rebuffed again- so i walked off in a huff with one of my many "whatever"s for her. that was the last thing anyone in my family said to her. she was battling with a pain so deep, she attempted to kill herself three times before he succeeded that day and last word she heard from her family was "whatever". i'm a horrible human being. she died while i watched my other nephew play with his brownie.

the image of her body is all i see. i stare at walls and see her. i wake up out my sleep because i dream about her. people ask me questions and i still fucking see her. i just want to see her smile again without having to physically stare at a picture, willing myself not to take my focus off of it. she was all alone when she died. i was not more than 50 feet away and she was alone. i know i could have sat and stared at her for days and she would have found her time, but i RIGHT THERE. she didn't know that i loved her. she thought she was replaceable. she thought her being gone would be easier. i cant change that she was sick, but damn it if i couldn't have tried harder- to have more for her than "whatever".

my whole life, my parents told us that no matter what happens- the three of us had each other. that we could fight, argue, kill each other- but we were the only three that really got what the others needed. where we came from, what we went through together- the "power of 3"- and they were right. no one else gets this. no one else knows why i need her. why i haven't taken an actual deep breath in over a month because it physically hurts to try- except him. but even he doesn't understand it all because she was necessary to translate. just like i translated for them. there is something magical when all 3 of us actually stop and look at each other. i happens every time we're all in the same room after not seeing each other for a while. an inside joke that's not really funny or serious or sad or mischievous. its just... us. and that's never going to happen again. i'm never going to see her again.

i'm not daddy's girl anymore.
i'm no ones big sister anymore.

and what grief taught me was when i was given the opportunity, i was a failure at both.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

if a dream is a wish your heart makes,
then i wish to always dream of your smile.

Monday, December 23, 2013

i'm sorry. i hate you. you don't have to explain, just come back.

one day i'll write all that i really feel, but right now... i cant make sense of air, much less my feelings. but i have to do something. 

i'm so angry at you. you knew someone would find you. you knew that stupid fucking note on the door was not going to keep me out. now all i see is you- no, your hair. your face. that fucking scarf. i hate you for all of that.

i hate the operator who got an attitude when i was just trying to remember the address. i'm sorry, dickwad, that my cell phone is from ny, so it picked up the wrong tower and now you don't give a shit about what i want, you just want to transfer me. 

i hate that cold feeling you left because the window was open and that i knew you were gone when i was cleaning your bedroom, even though i hadn't found you yet. i told you then i couldn't replace you if you ever made this choice, but i was too late. and i never told you when you were living. i hate myself for that. i hate that i heard you tell me to go find you. that was fucked up. 

where the fuck were you all day?! 

i hate that you plan everything and think that trying to try up your loose ends so we don't have to will make this ok. its not freaking ok. i cant breathe. and my neck hurts in the same place as that fucking scarf was wrapped around you. i cant breathe, Maya. i fucking CANT.

and all i see is your damn hair. 

i cant do this again. i know i couldn't understand. i hope you know i tried. i do get what you were feeling, but i cant fix it. i cant make it better. i never told you how much i wished i could or that you were no longer the little sister, you were what i wanted to be. you accomplished what i wanted to, even when you couldn't see past the pain. i look at the things you accumulated- and yes, they are just things- but they are what you equated with being enough. with being successful and you DID THAT. i wish i could have made you see that you were enough. i wish i had tried. i failed. i was supposed to protect from him. from what he gave you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i gave up. i blamed you for giving up. i'm sorry, imp. i'm so sorry. please don't be real. please. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Cornball moment about moving

I don't have the time or the energy to go into a lengthy blog post about what im feeling right now, but I wanted to at least mark what feels like a huge change. Its not that I haven't felt, seen and relished in the changes in my life over the last few years- but this weekend everything really hit me.

I moved out of my apartment this weekend. When I moved in, I was broken. My main motivation for moving was financial. It was cheaper, smaller and would allow a little more security if I was to receive an overseas assignment at work. It was across town, so the chances of running into anyone I knew were low. I needed peace. I needed to cut any random opportunity for past hurts to reappear. I needed to be alone and just live in the depression I had been sinking into over the previous few years. This apartment did that for me. And for the first year- that's exactly what I did.

Im not going to go back to that year with myself or this post,  but I knowing it happened and seeing where I sit now, I feel incredibly lucky. And blessed. And... *sigh* wow. I made it.

Life isn't perfect. I still question myself. But I'm happy and so much healthier mentally, emotionally and physically.  And im thankful for the changes in my life that came as a result of my time in this apartment.  Its been a good ride, 305. Thanks for holding my life through it.

Friday, January 18, 2013

6 months...

That's June 23rd, 2012 on the left. January 4th, 2013 on the right. What a difference 6 months, a surgery, some internal bleeding, a complete change in diet and millions of tiny sweat beads makes. I want to feel accomplished- and I do, I swear I do. But deep down, this side by side just makes me want to cry for so many reasons. Wow, so much has changed. I guess I'm still processing...